ending a relationship with a parent

[Anonymous]

OP. I am sorry for your pain. Having done the same thing -- it is very difficult. The weight is lifted and overall you feeling better. If you can afford therapy and can find a supportive therapist. That can be a big help. You can say all the twisted things that have made you make this decision. My therapist said this and it has been a big help to me. " everyone says their family is weird But your family is not weird. They are very abusive. Others will not understand in casual conversation so don't have it"
As for the children it does get awkward at times but compared to real emotional abuse they are do much better off. They do not have a story book family. But we are very close.

[Anonymous]

^^The fr***** phone. Hopefully will get ly meaning.

[Anonymous]

OP. there is another thing. Abusive families waste your time and emotional energy. All those ups and downs long discussions. Angry upsets getting over it long talks. It add s up. There is more you can be doing with your life and without all that you will find you have more time to have peace and normal relations with others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I cut my mom off at the ripe old age of 13 years old. I am in my 40's now. My parents divorced and I went to live with my dad. I had no contact with that side of the family again until I married. My mom's parents reached out to me right before my wedding. It is very sad to cut your mother off and most people will judge you and think something is wrong with you. Personally, I think it is one of the most cruel things about having a terrible mother -you not only have to deal with the abuse but everyone around you will think there is something wrong with YOU. I mean the fact that it was hard to get external validation even among my dad's family has made me feel horrible at times. It's very easy to come back to is there something wrong with me? In my opinion that's how abusers get away with it for so long. There are cultural expectations to love your parents. I know it was a big flag with my inlaws. Now that they've known me for almost 20 years and know what type of person that I am they don't mention it anymore.

+1 For me, it was a violent and alcoholic father. But the experience was the same. I cut him off after social services pulled me from his home and sent me to my mom. (She was negilent, but at least she didn't beat me.) My father's family blamed me and cut me off. For years everyone in my family - father's side AND mother's side - made it my fault. 30 years later, my dad and his parents are long since deceased. They died still blaming me. My mother's family sort of gets it now, but you can tell that some of the family still don't entirely believe me. There's always this quiet suspicion. I think it's because they know that if they admit it was true, then they have to admit that they did nothing to protect me. That's simply too hard for most people. Plus, my dad bullied and abused them too. Standing with me would have meant facing his wrath. They weren't prepared to cut him off just because I was.

So, OP, I would be prepared to get rejected by everyone else too. The fact that you are right and have good reasons for this will not sway anyone. This isn't about logic or even what's right. Unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Gosh OP I wish I could talk to you. I am going through the same thing. My mother is swirling in mental sickness. I realize this has been going on my whole life. My dad was a passive enabler and I realize this too as when he finally couldn't take my mom, he moved on to another mental case. With my mom, I have tried and tried to get her help and she refuses. She is just sane enough to not be legally insane where I could force things. I also talked with a therapist who advised me to move on from my family. I was angry at him at first thinking he was cold but now I realize he was correct. You cannot change people, they need to change (if my mom came to me tomorrow and hit rock bottom, I would help her in a second). Ditto my dad. I have a happy wonderful family and have made wonderful friends in the DC area. My family and hs friends live far away. The fall out has been awful. I can't tell you how many mean calls I have received or calls from family complaining about my mom's behavior and asking me to fix this. They get very angry when I say I am not calling her to report that xx person saw her doing xxx. I can't and have noticed I have moved away from people who just won't let this be. It's hard, not going to lie because it is. I am strong though because my children have never seen a troubled family. We don't have screaming matches at my house where terrible things are said. No flying glasses etc. We really are happy and my inlaws are lovely and non judgmental. I have never ever heard them say a bad word about my family. Parents haven't tried to see my kids in years. I noticed they never asked so I didn't offer. I think you need to do what is best in your heart for your children. You have the opportunity to stop this cycle. It's hard but sometimes necessary.

[Anonymous]

One more thing and I don't have this answer. What to tell the children when they are older? I am not a mean person by nature. I have kept with grandmom's not well and they buys this. Grandpop is taking care of grandmom (not!!) and they buy this but this won't be forever..at some point I feel I should talk to them about our family dynamic. I will probably ask a therapist to help at that time but that is one thing I worry about. I have also made extensive plans for the kids should something happen to us..can't imagine my side raising them.

[Anonymous]

Wow, what an amazing thread, I think for all of us with emotionally abusive parents it is so much just to know we are not alone. I found the book 'Why Can I Never Be Good Eough' by Karyn McBride just hugely helpful,really life changing (no relation to author, ha ha ) I wish there were a group somewhere for people like us. I completely agree with what someone posted above, that you're caught -- if you keep in contact you're still getting the abuse, but if you cut off you get judged (and sometimes the others who are still imprisoned send a lot of time and energy attacking you. So the book recommends a few strategies, I've gone for sort of cordial distance, which is working OK for now. But I think what is a really interesting point that people have highlighted is that it is not just dealing with one crazy, mean person but sometimes a whole crazy,mean network. We've worked in my family at dealing with this in the next generation down and we've done OK, although the original dynamic (OMG the thing about calling me to complain about others!!!) is so hard to really overcome. I would say that I had a very good relationship with one parent, but he died several years ago.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP and I have found I am not alone. As my family situation was gotten worse, much to my surprise I found some of my new friends in DC were similarly situated. Maybe some of the details different but the same in needing to end a family relationship. Perhaps that is why I made a life so far from home. I also feel guilt and worry about my mom. I could get a call someday that she died. I realized though that my kids and my husband are more important. My kids didn't chose to be born and I choose to be a mother and I am determined to be a good one and not allow the craziness of my family hurt them. One thing that still stings is the judgement from my hs "friends"--I would think they could understand since they saw what happened to me as I grew up. The thing about abuse is sometimes the abuser can be kind and then awful so it's not so simple. I love my mom and I know she isn't well. When she was well, she was the best and wanted the best for me. When she wasn't well, it was inhumane and it's gotten worse so I had to do something. My dad had to do something but he sadly found a woman who also has problems. The thing I try to focus on is the here and now and here and now I have a wonderful husband and kids and friends. Nothing in life is simple but in my heart I know this is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I cut my mom off at the ripe old age of 13 years old. I am in my 40's now. My parents divorced and I went to live with my dad. I had no contact with that side of the family again until I married. My mom's parents reached out to me right before my wedding. It is very sad to cut your mother off and most people will judge you and think something is wrong with you. Personally, I think it is one of the most cruel things about having a terrible mother -you not only have to deal with the abuse but everyone around you will think there is something wrong with YOU. I mean the fact that it was hard to get external validation even among my dad's family has made me feel horrible at times. It's very easy to come back to is there something wrong with me? In my opinion that's how abusers get away with it for so long. There are cultural expectations to love your parents. I know it was a big flag with my inlaws. Now that they've known me for almost 20 years and know what type of person that I am they don't mention it anymore.

Totally agree with this. It's one more burden to bear.

[Anonymous]

Watch this movie. It's the only imaginable "happy ending" for kids of abusive parents.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKe_AxTFGXc

http://www.nytimes.com/movies/movie/162462/The-Celebration/overview

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing and I don't have this answer. What to tell the children when they are older? I am not a mean person by nature. I have kept with grandmom's not well and they buys this. Grandpop is taking care of grandmom (not!!) and they buy this but this won't be forever..at some point I feel I should talk to them about our family dynamic. I will probably ask a therapist to help at that time but that is one thing I worry about. I have also made extensive plans for the kids should something happen to us..can't imagine my side raising them.

I've had to face this (and all the other things folks have posted about regarding people thinking your horrid for cutting off your parents). In my case, my father is a violent, alcoholic, narcissistic abuser who rages. I can't have a relationship with my mother because she does whatever it takes to pacify him, including calling me (and other 'defy-ers') in the middle of the night and relaying his hate filled messages. When my oldest was about 5, we started to discuss with him and the younger kids that it wasn't safe or healthy for us to be around my father. As they've gotten older, we've elaborated more on that. Since my ILs died 3 years ago, my kids have had no grandparents. I'm sorry they don't but, honestly, a lot of kids don't have extended families and it's not that big a deal. We have some very close friends who they call aunt/uncle. It's not the quanitity of relatives that's important, it's the quality of love.

My decision is made easier because I moved 600 miles from my family of origin. When I go back to visit (not often after having kids), I stay with friends. I have a lot of unresolved anger towards my mother who did nothing to stop my father's horrific abuse of me and my siblings and continues to stick with him. I'm afraid after he dies, she's going to want to re-kindle our relationship. I know she's hurt that she doesn't have much of a relationship with my kids but I won't budge on the issue of my father. I'd have to be crazy to allow that insanity into our lives.

[Anonymous]

How do you guys deal with family interactions, after cutting out a parent? Do you avoid them entirely? Or just stick to small talk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut myself off from my mother after a lifetime of emotional abuse when it became absurd to continue. It just made no sense anymore; it felt like it wasn't even a decision but a necessity.

She cut me off from everyone else in my family and from family friends, and went on a full-tilt mission to destroy me. It's been brutal.

Since you live across the country from your mother, I recommend keeping a cordial, long distance relationship with her.

This has been my experience entirely. My mother launched a full on hate campaign to destroy my life when I began to cut ties from her. She called my friends, ex's, neighbors..anyone she could think of to try and turn against me. Not to mention the pain she's caused me, it's very embarrassing to have your crazy mother try to ruin your life to everyone you know. I need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you all for the responses. It is a terrible thing for anyone to have to deal with and wish each of you weren't going through it.

12:40 Thank you. Sometimes it feels like you are alone and I think of the people of have wonderful, close relationships with their mothers. I know, logically, there are many who do not but sometimes its hard to remind myself of that.

14:23 Thank you. That is one of the larger factors for me - the negativity swirling around me and my family. I don't want my children to grow up and see me riding the roller coaster ride that my mother takes me on. And I am worried about the taking sides thing. She has already spent years telling lies about to me other family members so I can only imagine what she would do if I cut off contact. And a total fear of all of this is what if I don't find the peace after the fact? What if I spend the rest of my life with guilt from doing this?

16:03 yes, it is one of my greatest fears that my children will see a family dynamic that they will in turn model in our own family. I would hate that. I fear it. I know of one particular family where the DH was estranged from his family and as a result he, his wife and children are all extremely close. I think they viewed it as how lucky they are to have family and didn't repeat the problem themselves. I can only hope we can create a family environment that our children feel differently than I did in my family environment.

I think the hardest decision I am having with this is in relation to my children. I have a hard time accepting that they will not have a relationship with my mother (and possibly my father if 'taking sides' is inevitable) Will they wonder why their cousins all know Grandma and Grandpa and they don't? Will they blame me?

My mother cut off her parents when I was very young. I never met either of them before they died, and I still haven't met my uncle who is alive today.

A lot of the reasons you have are the same as my mother's reasons for ending the relationship with her parents. I don't have much to offer you other to let you know that, as the grandchild involved, I never felt like I missed out on anything. Neither did my brother. In fact, knowing all that I know about my mother's family, I'm grateful that she made the courageous decision to protect my brother and me. My upbringing would have been much more nutty with my mother on my grandparents' dysfunctional, manipulative and emotionally abusive roller coaster.

Peace to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you all for the responses. It is a terrible thing for anyone to have to deal with and wish each of you weren't going through it.

12:40 Thank you. Sometimes it feels like you are alone and I think of the people of have wonderful, close relationships with their mothers. I know, logically, there are many who do not but sometimes its hard to remind myself of that.

14:23 Thank you. That is one of the larger factors for me - the negativity swirling around me and my family. I don't want my children to grow up and see me riding the roller coaster ride that my mother takes me on. And I am worried about the taking sides thing. She has already spent years telling lies about to me other family members so I can only imagine what she would do if I cut off contact. And a total fear of all of this is what if I don't find the peace after the fact? What if I spend the rest of my life with guilt from doing this?

16:03 yes, it is one of my greatest fears that my children will see a family dynamic that they will in turn model in our own family. I would hate that. I fear it. I know of one particular family where the DH was estranged from his family and as a result he, his wife and children are all extremely close. I think they viewed it as how lucky they are to have family and didn't repeat the problem themselves. I can only hope we can create a family environment that our children feel differently than I did in my family environment.

I think the hardest decision I am having with this is in relation to my children. I have a hard time accepting that they will not have a relationship with my mother (and possibly my father if 'taking sides' is inevitable) Will they wonder why their cousins all know Grandma and Grandpa and they don't? Will they blame me?

My mother cut off her parents when I was very young. I never met either of them before they died, and I still haven't met my uncle who is alive today.

A lot of the reasons you have are the same as my mother's reasons for ending the relationship with her parents. I don't have much to offer you other to let you know that, as the grandchild involved, I never felt like I missed out on anything. Neither did my brother. In fact, knowing all that I know about my mother's family, I'm grateful that she made the courageous decision to protect my brother and me. My upbringing would have been much more nutty with my mother on my grandparents' dysfunctional, manipulative and emotionally abusive roller coaster.

Peace to you.

Sorry, I forgot to add that (at least I think) the only way to truly sever ties is to end the relationship between your kids and the toxic relative. If someone is too toxic to be in your life, you don't want them around your kids.

My mother told me that if I wanted to meet her mother once I became an adult, that she would be supportive.

FWIW, I never took her up on it, and neither did my brother.