ending a relationship with a parent

[Anonymous]

I am trying to come to terms with the very real fact that I likely need to cut off contact with my mother. For years, I have tried with no improvement and things just continually get worse. I don't wish to discuss details or particulars of what has transpired over the years (emotional abuse) but more would like to hear from others who have had to end a relationship with their mother.

How did this affect your relationship with other family members? Were you able to maintain a relationship easily with the other parent? Siblings?

Did your children maintain a relationship with their grandparent? Did they maintain a relationship with both grandparents, just the one that you still speak with or neither? If they do still have a relationship with that grandparent how do you coordinate it or make it possible when the child is very young and unable to make plans themselves? What about when new children are born?

Do you live near or far from this cut off parent? How does that affect things? (FWIW, I live across the country.)

Were you ever able to reconcile?

[Anonymous]

I cut myself off from my mother after a lifetime of emotional abuse when it became absurd to continue. It just made no sense anymore; it felt like it wasn't even a decision but a necessity.

She cut me off from everyone else in my family and from family friends, and went on a full-tilt mission to destroy me. It's been brutal.

Since you live across the country from your mother, I recommend keeping a cordial, long distance relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your response and I am sorry you have to deal with this. I've tried the cordial, long distance relationship with her but it seems to continue to get worse and worse.

[Anonymous]

Mine is a backstabbing, selfish, emotional abuser. Honestly, I don't know why I bother. I want to be opposite her with my children, so that is what keeps me away from her.

Sorry you are also going through this, OP. Know that you deserve better and that you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

My mother cut off her mother and her brother. This happened when my mother was in her 60's. She reached a breaking point and couldn't take it anymore. There was no reconciliation.

I in turn cut off the relationship with my grandmother and my uncle. For me this was an independent decision. My mother revealed some details of her childhood to me and I couldn't believe she had a relationship with these two people as an adult.

I think you should do what is best for you. I would encourage you to work with a therapist if you are not already doing so. I do think it is good to remove toxic people from your life.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation now. My mother (father is deceased) is engaging in behavior I find inappropriate. I've tried to talk to her about it but she doesn't see my side. If I do cut off ties, my children won't see her, they are just babies. She lives very close by. It breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

DH did this after our wedding, which we managed to keep my MIL from ruining, but the anxiety of doing so ruined his day. He's never been happier. We're sort of in touch with this sister who lives near/sees his mother, she doesn't get him on many levels but she seems to respect his wishes (we have no indication otherwise). We did not send my MIL a birth announcement but we sent my SIL one.

The biggest problem is it makes my (normal) family think he's a weird kind of asshole for cutting off his mother.

[Anonymous]

I cut off both my parents this year.

My parents are horrible people and I don't want my kids around them. When I told them I was done, they vilified me to my sisters who cut me off in return. I asked them why, and they repeated a bunch of lies which had obviously come from my parents. I explained that those were lies, but honestly, they were told to pick between my parents and I. They picked my parents who live close to them while I live across the country.

I do not think it is worth keeping a cordial relationship if they are still being abusive towards you. It's not worth the stress and emotional turbulence really. My kids are babies, and they simply won't know my parents. I am not sure what I will say to them, but I know it's best that they don't know them.

My parents sent them Christmas gifts this year which put me in an awkward position. I think I will tell them to not do that again, especially since they addressed everything to them and purposefully excluded my husband and I. They don't get a relationship with my kids without my consent, sorry. I donated the gifts, but I didn't say anything to my parents.

I am sorry you're going through this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH did this after our wedding, which we managed to keep my MIL from ruining, but the anxiety of doing so ruined his day. He's never been happier. We're sort of in touch with this sister who lives near/sees his mother, she doesn't get him on many levels but she seems to respect his wishes (we have no indication otherwise). We did not send my MIL a birth announcement but we sent my SIL one.

The biggest problem is it makes my (normal) family think he's a weird kind of asshole for cutting off his mother.

My inlaws thought this too, but I sat down and explained to them why I have no relationship with my parents. Yes it was humiliating sharing stories of emotional abuse (I kept the physical abuse ones secret), but now they have gotten much closer to me and understand why my parents are gone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I cut off my relationship with my mother after years of emotional and physical abuse. I can tell you with all honesty, I am much happier and better parent to my children because of it. No longer do I have her negativity swirling around me and my family.

Yes, there are repercussions from other family members. It took me awhile to get my father and siblings on the same page. I told them that they are welcome to come over and be a part of my children's lives, but in no way can my mother come over or have contact with us. It took many years, but we are all in a better place as a family. I will warn you that utilizing this approach will make your mother very angry and lash out, and create "sides" but know in the end that what you are doing is for the sanity and well-being of your own children and immediate family. I wish you well. I know how hard it is, but you'll find the peace you deserve without your mother.

[Anonymous]

My MIL cut off her parents.

In turn (decades later) my SIL (MIL's daughter) cut MIL out too.

Disfunction breeds disfunction, make sure it's not something you can learn to put boundaries around.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thank you all for the responses. It is a terrible thing for anyone to have to deal with and wish each of you weren't going through it.

12:40 Thank you. Sometimes it feels like you are alone and I think of the people of have wonderful, close relationships with their mothers. I know, logically, there are many who do not but sometimes its hard to remind myself of that.

14:23 Thank you. That is one of the larger factors for me - the negativity swirling around me and my family. I don't want my children to grow up and see me riding the roller coaster ride that my mother takes me on. And I am worried about the taking sides thing. She has already spent years telling lies about to me other family members so I can only imagine what she would do if I cut off contact. And a total fear of all of this is what if I don't find the peace after the fact? What if I spend the rest of my life with guilt from doing this?

16:03 yes, it is one of my greatest fears that my children will see a family dynamic that they will in turn model in our own family. I would hate that. I fear it. I know of one particular family where the DH was estranged from his family and as a result he, his wife and children are all extremely close. I think they viewed it as how lucky they are to have family and didn't repeat the problem themselves. I can only hope we can create a family environment that our children feel differently than I did in my family environment.

I think the hardest decision I am having with this is in relation to my children. I have a hard time accepting that they will not have a relationship with my mother (and possibly my father if 'taking sides' is inevitable) Will they wonder why their cousins all know Grandma and Grandpa and they don't? Will they blame me?

[Anonymous]

OP, there are past threads on this topic with some very helpful responses. Good luck to you. You may be surprised at how much you feel like a weight has been lifted from you. You do not owe anyone anything sheerly because they are related to you if they have crapped all over you. Mourn what you never had, be glad to get rid of what's toxic, and invest your energies in your positive relationships and in making a good life for yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP I cut my mom off at the ripe old age of 13 years old. I am in my 40's now. My parents divorced and I went to live with my dad. I had no contact with that side of the family again until I married. My mom's parents reached out to me right before my wedding. It is very sad to cut your mother off and most people will judge you and think something is wrong with you. Personally, I think it is one of the most cruel things about having a terrible mother -you not only have to deal with the abuse but everyone around you will think there is something wrong with YOU. I mean the fact that it was hard to get external validation even among my dad's family has made me feel horrible at times. It's very easy to come back to is there something wrong with me? In my opinion that's how abusers get away with it for so long. There are cultural expectations to love your parents. I know it was a big flag with my inlaws. Now that they've known me for almost 20 years and know what type of person that I am they don't mention it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I cut my mom off at the ripe old age of 13 years old. I am in my 40's now. My parents divorced and I went to live with my dad. I had no contact with that side of the family again until I married. My mom's parents reached out to me right before my wedding. It is very sad to cut your mother off and most people will judge you and think something is wrong with you. Personally, I think it is one of the most cruel things about having a terrible mother -you not only have to deal with the abuse but everyone around you will think there is something wrong with YOU. I mean the fact that it was hard to get external validation even among my dad's family has made me feel horrible at times. It's very easy to come back to is there something wrong with me? In my opinion that's how abusers get away with it for so long. There are cultural expectations to love your parents. I know it was a big flag with my inlaws. Now that they've known me for almost 20 years and know what type of person that I am they don't mention it anymore.

I agree with this post - it's bad enough to have parents who treat you like a thing, a punching bag (both of mine did). Our culture sees children who cut off their parents as mean, vindictive, and bad just by virtue of the fact that they've cut them off. Horrendous abuse, even homicidal abuse, simply isn't viewed as a legitimate reason to cut off family members. This belief enables parents, and makes children hesitate to protect themselves and to get help.