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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]One more thing and I don't have this answer. What to tell the children when they are older? I am not a mean person by nature. I have kept with grandmom's not well and they buys this. Grandpop is taking care of grandmom (not!!) and they buy this but this won't be forever:(..at some point I feel I should talk to them about our family dynamic. I will probably ask a therapist to help at that time but that is one thing I worry about. I have also made extensive plans for the kids should something happen to us..can't imagine my side raising them.[/quote]

I've had to face this (and all the other things folks have posted about regarding people thinking your horrid for cutting off your parents).  In my case, my father is a violent, alcoholic, narcissistic abuser who rages.  I can't have a relationship with my mother because she does whatever it takes to pacify him, including calling me (and other 'defy-ers') in the middle of the night and relaying his hate filled messages.  When my oldest was about 5, we started to discuss with him and the younger kids that it wasn't safe or healthy for us to be around my father.  As they've gotten older, we've elaborated more on that.  Since my ILs died 3 years ago, my kids have had no grandparents.  I'm sorry they don't but, honestly, a lot of kids don't have extended families and it's not that big a deal.  We have some very close friends who they call aunt/uncle.  It's not the quanitity of relatives that's important, it's the quality of love.

My decision is made easier because I moved 600 miles from my family of origin.  When I go back to visit (not often after having kids), I stay with friends.  I have a lot of unresolved anger towards my mother who did nothing to stop my father's horrific abuse of me and my siblings and continues to stick with him.  I'm afraid after he dies, she's going to want to re-kindle our relationship.  I know she's hurt that she doesn't have much of a relationship with my kids but I won't budge on the issue of my father.  I'd have to be crazy to allow that insanity into our lives.[/quote]

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