ending a relationship with a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut off both my parents this year.

My parents are horrible people and I don't want my kids around them. When I told them I was done, they vilified me to my sisters who cut me off in return. I asked them why, and they repeated a bunch of lies which had obviously come from my parents. I explained that those were lies, but honestly, they were told to pick between my parents and I. They picked my parents who live close to them while I live across the country.

I do not think it is worth keeping a cordial relationship if they are still being abusive towards you. It's not worth the stress and emotional turbulence really. My kids are babies, and they simply won't know my parents. I am not sure what I will say to them, but I know it's best that they don't know them.

My parents sent them Christmas gifts this year which put me in an awkward position. I think I will tell them to not do that again, especially since they addressed everything to them and purposefully excluded my husband and I. They don't get a relationship with my kids without my consent, sorry. I donated the gifts, but I didn't say anything to my parents.

I am sorry you're going through this too.

write "Return to Sender" on the package and drop it off at the post office. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cut off both my parents this year.

My parents are horrible people and I don't want my kids around them. When I told them I was done, they vilified me to my sisters who cut me off in return. I asked them why, and they repeated a bunch of lies which had obviously come from my parents. I explained that those were lies, but honestly, they were told to pick between my parents and I. They picked my parents who live close to them while I live across the country.

I do not think it is worth keeping a cordial relationship if they are still being abusive towards you. It's not worth the stress and emotional turbulence really. My kids are babies, and they simply won't know my parents. I am not sure what I will say to them, but I know it's best that they don't know them.

My parents sent them Christmas gifts this year which put me in an awkward position. I think I will tell them to not do that again, especially since they addressed everything to them and purposefully excluded my husband and I. They don't get a relationship with my kids without my consent, sorry. I donated the gifts, but I didn't say anything to my parents.

I am sorry you're going through this too.

write "Return to Sender" on the package and drop it off at the post office. Problem solved.

I was the poster of this. Thank you for the suggestion. I think I will do that.

[Anonymous]

Sorry Op that you are in this situation. You seem like a reasonable person who wants the best for her family. If your mom raised you then there must be some good in her. Limit her from your children and your family, but understand that you are her child. Do your part as a daughter but do not let her cross your set boundary. I am sure you are a strong person and everything will be fine.

[Anonymous]

+100 to all posters above. My very supportive husband says please leave crazy land behind and come home. (my kids are NOT coming into this). The blame never ends with some families. Another burden to bear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry Op that you are in this situation. You seem like a reasonable person who wants the best for her family. If your mom raised you then there must be some good in her. Limit her from your children and your family, but understand that you are her child. Do your part as a daughter but do not let her cross your set boundary. I am sure you are a strong person and everything will be fine.

PP, some people are not normal. They do not respect boundaries. They will go through you or around you, but they will NOT let you be the one to set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry Op that you are in this situation. You seem like a reasonable person who wants the best for her family. If your mom raised you then there must be some good in her. Limit her from your children and your family, but understand that you are her child. Do your part as a daughter but do not let her cross your set boundary. I am sure you are a strong person and everything will be fine.

Bullshit. Using your logic, parents of a child who commits evil acts must have some evil in them as well. OP needs to think of herself as a mother and human being first. Daughter is way down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry Op that you are in this situation. You seem like a reasonable person who wants the best for her family. If your mom raised you then there must be some good in her. Limit her from your children and your family, but understand that you are her child. Do your part as a daughter but do not let her cross your set boundary. I am sure you are a strong person and everything will be fine.

PP, some people are not normal. They do not respect boundaries. They will go through you or around you, but they will NOT let you be the one to set boundaries.

Exactly. Sorry to say, posts like this perfectly describe my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry Op that you are in this situation. You seem like a reasonable person who wants the best for her family. If your mom raised you then there must be some good in her. Limit her from your children and your family, but understand that you are her child. Do your part as a daughter but do not let her cross your set boundary. I am sure you are a strong person and everything will be fine.

That is great advice for a normal family. For the not normal, everything is different. Except put distance.

[Anonymous]

I cut off communication with my father (and mother) about 5 years before my pregnancy. I was trying to recover from a debilitating depression. The negative talk, rages, and lack of concern added a toxic element that inhibited real recovery. The lightness and hopefulness was such a joy. My father had a toxic relationship with his mother. She was loving and supportive of me. I didn't want to rob my son of a potentially rewarding relationship.

Now I face the decision to end the relationship again. My son loves his grandpa. Over Christmas my father showed signs of his frightening rages when my son didn't want to play a game anymore. My son wasn't rude, just dragging his feet and asking grandpa to do it. Grandpa said my son was lazy and trying to trick him into do for him. My son is 3, just exhausted. He went into a full rage over the weekend. I never wish to subject my son to the withering, mind-bending tirades.

Boundaries are sort of a joke. He will claim he is "just being honest" while eviscerating me for things I've never thought or done. I've tried to establish boundaries to no avail. Both parents have health issues so I may be looking at the last few years with them. I think there is the eternally hopeful little child in me who wants some appreciation for her strengths. What I will probably do is limit contact to near nothing. Any conversations that veer away from grandson will have to end. If they can't accept this condition for the foreseeable future, then they don't have to call. I work every day to establish a confidence that my father's insults don't erode.

A helpful idea for me is to treat yourself as if you are your own parent. Take care of yourself the way a loving adult would take care of her younger self.

[Anonymous]

I wish my DH cut off his father, who has been a controlling, authoritarian person to these days. He also insulted me when DH and me were dating. But the thing is FIL owns a house 30 minutes away from us and DH manage the bills.