How to Co-Parent with Ex

[Anonymous]

All I know is the therapist said we need to be on the same page with parenting and we are not and the ex isn't going to change. Sucks. I hate having to raise her this way but the dude doesn't compromise at all, even at the risk of his own daughter. "He knows his daughter and he is going parent the way he wants to". He honestly doesn't think he did anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

The best way, seriously, for you to co exist with an ex is to lower your expectations and to never ever react in front of your daughter to anything he does.

that will protect your daughter the most.

[Anonymous]

I KNOW THAT! I knew I was going to react that way. That's why I asked him to not do it right now when I'm so vulnerable.

This is my fault? Really? Really? Really? My daughter doesn't want a step mom, she wants us back together. Good god 13:03 you don't get it at all.

I need advice - not remarks on HOW I messed up. Geez

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I know is the therapist said we need to be on the same page with parenting and we are not and the ex isn't going to change. Sucks. I hate having to raise her this way but the dude doesn't compromise at all, even at the risk of his own daughter. "He knows his daughter and he is going parent the way he wants to". He honestly doesn't think he did anything wrong.

he didnt

he has a girlfriend that he presumably cares about. he wanted to share the holidays with his gf and his daughter.

instead of being able to do that, he has an ex wife trying to control him and freaking out in front of the daughter when he doesnt comply

you're not married anymore. you can't control his behavior around dating and you are wrong to assume that he couldnt/shouldnt enjoy the holidays with those he cares about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No of course I didn't. I asked him specially not to bring the girl around, he did anyway and told my kid to keep it a secret. He should have told me what he was going to do that I could process my emotions away from my daughter. That's my point, he should have manned up and told me. But the man can't communicate at all and its a big reason why I moved out. So the point is, how do I co-parent with an ass? That's my question. Not how I handled it.

I really am looking for advice. Not snarky comments on what happened.. I'm moving forward from that and figuring out how to make sure that she doesn't feel ashamed and comfortable to tell me anything. His actions really had a big affect on her. Mind did to, of course

You cannot control him and while you can ask whatever you want he will probably do the opposite just to piss you off and get a reaction. He has succeeded at this. So, don't ask him anything anymore and set your self up for this. also, don't cry about it in front of your daughter either. DCUM standard advice applies here: do not engage assholes. Stick to the daughter and the schedule, everything else rolls off you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I KNOW THAT! I knew I was going to react that way. That's why I asked him to not do it right now when I'm so vulnerable.

This is my fault? Really? Really? Really? My daughter doesn't want a step mom, she wants us back together. Good god 13:03 you don't get it at all.

I need advice - not remarks on HOW I messed up. Geez

Yes, it is your fault.

you are divorced. you have no claim on him. he has absolutely no reason to not spend time over the holidays with the two people he cares most about simply because you can't handle it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I know I can't react. But with the move and the holidays etc its been very very stressful and I know I'm in a very vulnerable space right now and I communicated that with my ex. But he went ahead and did his thing and now my daughgter is scarred because of his antics. Going to take a lot to get her to trust anything. She is so afraid of losing anything right now - down to not wanting me to throw away boxes, or throw away a old hanger. She blows out candles wishing that me and dad would get back together No joke. That's the issue - She's not comfortable in my new place yet or even us not getting back together.

[Anonymous]

13:07 - Fuck you! It is not my fault. I dont want a claim on him. I want him to respect me and my daughters boundaries. Simple stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I KNOW THAT! I knew I was going to react that way. That's why I asked him to not do it right now when I'm so vulnerable.

This is my fault? Really? Really? Really? My daughter doesn't want a step mom, she wants us back together. Good god 13:03 you don't get it at all.

I need advice - not remarks on HOW I messed up. Geez

Yes, it is your fault.

you are divorced. you have no claim on him. he has absolutely no reason to not spend time over the holidays with the two people he cares most about simply because you can't handle it.

I agree with this too. She admits she knew she was going to react the way she did so because she cannot control herself she asked the ex not to bring the gf around...big mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I know I can't react. But with the move and the holidays etc its been very very stressful and I know I'm in a very vulnerable space right now and I communicated that with my ex. But he went ahead and did his thing and now my daughgter is scarred because of his antics. Going to take a lot to get her to trust anything. She is so afraid of losing anything right now - down to not wanting me to throw away boxes, or throw away a old hanger. She blows out candles wishing that me and dad would get back together No joke. That's the issue - She's not comfortable in my new place yet or even us not getting back together.

Of course, children always want their parents back together. Divorce is terrible on children.

But now that you are divorced, you can't be such an emotional mess in front of your kid. You created the situation by giving your ex an ultimatum that he wasn't going to abide by. A PP is right, everyone is afraid of your reactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I know I can't react. But with the move and the holidays etc its been very very stressful and I know I'm in a very vulnerable space right now and I communicated that with my ex. But he went ahead and did his thing and now my daughgter is scarred because of his antics. Going to take a lot to get her to trust anything. She is so afraid of losing anything right now - down to not wanting me to throw away boxes, or throw away a old hanger. She blows out candles wishing that me and dad would get back together No joke. That's the issue - She's not comfortable in my new place yet or even us not getting back together.

no she is scarred because you made it a negative situation

if you would have taken the approach of, he is free to love and spend time with whomever he wishes - then your daughter would not have felt bad about it

you think your ex was trying to create scarring for your child?

no, he is trying to find ways to create new love and new traditions with what he has to work with. kudos to him for trying to heal and move on

[Anonymous]

THIS IS NOT MY FAULT??? WHAT THE FUCK DCUM???? Geez

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:07 - Fuck you! It is not my fault. I dont want a claim on him. I want him to respect me and my daughters boundaries. Simple stuff

Well now we all see where the drama comes from and why everyone is afraid of your reactions.

You don't get to set boundaries with him anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP it honestly sounds like you are the problem. It's all in the delivery.

[Anonymous]

Of course i don't want to be an emotional mess, but watching it play out on my daughter is really really hard to take. he's a complete asshole that does what ever he wants to do. It's not my fault. I communicated that I was vulneralbe and the ass told my daughter to lie to me. All he had to do was man up and tell me himself and all would be fine. But he can NEVER EVER have the hard conversations and has his daughter do his dirty work. Fucked up.

Again - how do I co-parent with an asshole. What is what I'm asking.