How to Co-Parent with Ex

[Anonymous]

It is a difficult position to be in. My ex gave my daughter her own AE card when she was 18 years old during a time that I was having financial problems. I had to watch her come in with 40.00 skin cream when i didn't have rent....of course I didn't go to her about it.
Now, he ok's trips and travel. Refuses to check with me first. She goes to him because he always says yes, and he has the money. Now that she is older 21, she can do what she wants, however, when borrowing from dad, both parents should be involved in deciding whether to loan or not.... Or, actually, whether she should be able to go to the place she wants to go to....Dominican Republic for example. Dad was fine with it, I wasn't, but I am not heard, not respected and feel like smacking them both.(never would). Actually, I am just damn depressed. She is smoking pot now, he says "Everyone does at her age", lets her have guys stay over when he is at his girlfriends place...again "everyone does" I only found out because I dropped over to give her a forgotten xmas gift. (Girlfriend doesn't like me in his house, so after no rules on that, now, I've been threatened that he will call police if I enter his home.) He gives her extravagant gifts. She has several credit cards. Now she has started cussing me out when I try to talk to her about the genetic factor of drugs. I have 7 years clean and sober. I was her sole caregiver for the first half of her life, which she doesn't recall........and when I was in rehab, he sought custody, wouldn't let me see her unless he said, allowed nannies to provide main care. Was needed for awhile as I had to find place to live, which I did. That hasn't worked out, and I think my depression over the situation makes me not care about anything, so I live in my car now. I am an RN, but have no energy, crying all the time and overwhelmed with rage at my ex. He's the type that won't ever deliver a complement, thank you for a gift, acknowledge your presence is daughter is around. I'd love it if his business failed, he is such a know-it-all. Yet my life has been Pediatric RN, Daycare provider, etc....yet, I've never according to him, had one intelligent comment regarding our daughter. I knew it when she had symptoms of ADD, he says: "She is only reacting to your anxiety." ??? I was not an anxious person?! We did have her tested and when results came back that she did have ADD the ONLY THING HE SAID WAS "hMMMM, YOU WERE RIGHT" . Nothing to say on altering our approach with her, meds or no meds, etc. That was the total of his response....ever. He has always treated parenting as a popularity contest saying things like "I hear that 3 year olds are crazy about their daddy's, how is that going to make you feel? ? I just looked at him in confusion... Then said, "great, I was not close with my dad". But then it got worse, he would accuse me of bad talking him....which I never did. She just didn't know him, as he was around so infrequently when small. Now she is bad-talking me......because I sleep in my car. I wish I could start my life over, my judgement sucks. screw em both..... mad. (Yes, I am trying to remedy my situation.) I would like feedback on how to be with my daughter......tough? easy? I've taken the middle road stating that I couldn't even recognize her, I was not going to engage in any communication while she was screaming, I would always be there for her but I could not tolerate her behaving superior and thinking herself more worldly than I." She did same thing last month - cussing at me, I at that time, took her by the shoulders and squeezed, saying " you have no idea what the meaning 'family' means, DONT you EVER EVER EVER speak to me that way again." She apologized, but obviously meant nothing. help

[Anonymous]

It is a difficult position to be in. My ex gave my daughter her own AE card when she was 18 years old during a time that I was having financial problems. I had to watch her come in with 40.00 skin cream when i didn't have rent....of course I didn't go to her about it.
Now, he ok's trips and travel. Refuses to check with me first. She goes to him because he always says yes, and he has the money. Now that she is older 21, she can do what she wants, however, when borrowing from dad, both parents should be involved in deciding whether to loan or not.... Or, actually, whether she should be able to go to the place she wants to go to....Dominican Republic for example. Dad was fine with it, I wasn't, but I am not heard, not respected and feel like smacking them both.(never would). Actually, I am just damn depressed. She is smoking pot now, he says "Everyone does at her age", lets her have guys stay over when he is at his girlfriends place...again "everyone does" I only found out because I dropped over to give her a forgotten xmas gift. (Girlfriend doesn't like me in his house, so after no rules on that, now, I've been threatened that he will call police if I enter his home.) He gives her extravagant gifts. She has several credit cards. Now she has started cussing me out when I try to talk to her about the genetic factor of drugs. I have 7 years clean and sober. I was her sole caregiver for the first half of her life, which she doesn't recall........and when I was in rehab, he sought custody, wouldn't let me see her unless he said, allowed nannies to provide main care. Was needed for awhile as I had to find place to live, which I did. That hasn't worked out, and I think my depression over the situation makes me not care about anything, so I live in my car now. I am an RN, but have no energy, crying all the time and overwhelmed with rage at my ex. He's the type that won't ever deliver a complement, thank you for a gift, acknowledge your presence is daughter is around. I'd love it if his business failed, he is such a know-it-all. Yet my life has been Pediatric RN, Daycare provider, etc....yet, I've never according to him, had one intelligent comment regarding our daughter. I knew it when she had symptoms of ADD, he says: "She is only reacting to your anxiety." ??? I was not an anxious person?! We did have her tested and when results came back that she did have ADD the ONLY THING HE SAID WAS "hMMMM, YOU WERE RIGHT" . Nothing to say on altering our approach with her, meds or no meds, etc. That was the total of his response....ever. He has always treated parenting as a popularity contest saying things like "I hear that 3 year olds are crazy about their daddy's, how is that going to make you feel? ? I just looked at him in confusion... Then said, "great, I was not close with my dad". But then it got worse, he would accuse me of bad talking him....which I never did. She just didn't know him, as he was around so infrequently when small. Now she is bad-talking me......because I sleep in my car. I wish I could start my life over, my judgement sucks. screw em both..... mad. (Yes, I am trying to remedy my situation.) I would like feedback on how to be with my daughter......tough? easy? I've taken the middle road stating that I couldn't even recognize her, I was not going to engage in any communication while she was screaming, I would always be there for her but I could not tolerate her behaving superior and thinking herself more worldly than I." She did same thing last month - cussing at me, I at that time, took her by the shoulders and squeezed, saying " you have no idea what the meaning 'family' means, DONT you EVER EVER EVER speak to me that way again." She apologized, but obviously meant nothing. help

[Anonymous]

Yikes, OP you sound like my friend. Struggling to co-parent with her bi-polar ex. After awhile it was hard to continue to have sympathy for someone who keeps dwelling in all the "but he is wrong..." mindset. Every-time you post in anger you add more things to the list he did that you think is fucked up. Doesn't mean these things aren't wrong, but your still waiting for the world to be fair and him to be reasonable. You can't control people's actions, just how you choose to react to them.

You are still holding on to a lot of anger and playing blame game and it is poisoning you and hurting you daughter.

Therapy is the best answer to you original question, get some help sorting out your feelings with a professional so that you can control your reactions in front of your daughter. And get some tips for changing how you react to things your ex does that makes you mad. Bottom line you are in serious need of perspective, this thread makes that very clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a difficult position to be in. My ex gave my daughter her own AE card when she was 18 years old during a time that I was having financial problems. I had to watch her come in with 40.00 skin cream when i didn't have rent....of course I didn't go to her about it.
Now, he ok's trips and travel. Refuses to check with me first. She goes to him because he always says yes, and he has the money. Now that she is older 21, she can do what she wants, however, when borrowing from dad, both parents should be involved in deciding whether to loan or not.... Or, actually, whether she should be able to go to the place she wants to go to....Dominican Republic for example. Dad was fine with it, I wasn't, but I am not heard, not respected and feel like smacking them both.(never would). Actually, I am just damn depressed. She is smoking pot now, he says "Everyone does at her age", lets her have guys stay over when he is at his girlfriends place...again "everyone does" I only found out because I dropped over to give her a forgotten xmas gift. (Girlfriend doesn't like me in his house, so after no rules on that, now, I've been threatened that he will call police if I enter his home.) He gives her extravagant gifts. She has several credit cards. Now she has started cussing me out when I try to talk to her about the genetic factor of drugs. I have 7 years clean and sober. I was her sole caregiver for the first half of her life, which she doesn't recall........and when I was in rehab, he sought custody, wouldn't let me see her unless he said, allowed nannies to provide main care. Was needed for awhile as I had to find place to live, which I did. That hasn't worked out, and I think my depression over the situation makes me not care about anything, so I live in my car now. I am an RN, but have no energy, crying all the time and overwhelmed with rage at my ex. He's the type that won't ever deliver a complement, thank you for a gift, acknowledge your presence is daughter is around. I'd love it if his business failed, he is such a know-it-all. Yet my life has been Pediatric RN, Daycare provider, etc....yet, I've never according to him, had one intelligent comment regarding our daughter. I knew it when she had symptoms of ADD, he says: "She is only reacting to your anxiety." ??? I was not an anxious person?! We did have her tested and when results came back that she did have ADD the ONLY THING HE SAID WAS "hMMMM, YOU WERE RIGHT" . Nothing to say on altering our approach with her, meds or no meds, etc. That was the total of his response....ever. He has always treated parenting as a popularity contest saying things like "I hear that 3 year olds are crazy about their daddy's, how is that going to make you feel? ? I just looked at him in confusion... Then said, "great, I was not close with my dad". But then it got worse, he would accuse me of bad talking him....which I never did. She just didn't know him, as he was around so infrequently when small. Now she is bad-talking me......because I sleep in my car. I wish I could start my life over, my judgement sucks. screw em both..... mad. (Yes, I am trying to remedy my situation.) I would like feedback on how to be with my daughter......tough? easy? I've taken the middle road stating that I couldn't even recognize her, I was not going to engage in any communication while she was screaming, I would always be there for her but I could not tolerate her behaving superior and thinking herself more worldly than I." She did same thing last month - cussing at me, I at that time, took her by the shoulders and squeezed, saying " you have no idea what the meaning 'family' means, DONT you EVER EVER EVER speak to me that way again." She apologized, but obviously meant nothing. help

YIKES