How to Co-Parent with Ex

[Anonymous]

I am asking for advice - not on who's fault is was. Good god - I'm looking for positivity, not negative crazy comments. Why doesn't anyone on DCUM get this???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course i don't want to be an emotional mess, but watching it play out on my daughter is really really hard to take. he's a complete asshole that does what ever he wants to do. It's not my fault. I communicated that I was vulneralbe and the ass told my daughter to lie to me. All he had to do was man up and tell me himself and all would be fine. But he can NEVER EVER have the hard conversations and has his daughter do his dirty work. Fucked up.

Again - how do I co-parent with an asshole. What is what I'm asking.

A) you created the "dirty work" by declaring to the world that you can't handle it and that you wanted to control his actions
B) he and your daughter were actually looking out for you, because even if you should be able to handle it they see that you can't and tried to spare you.
C) you never should have asked her about it specifically
D) the advice for co-parenting is contained within: stop trying to control him, stop questioning your daughter when she comes back, eliminate your expectations that you will be able to change his behavior, focus solely on the direct matters which are about your daughter and accept that he is going to move on with a new woman who will be a part of daughter's life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am asking for advice - not on who's fault is was. Good god - I'm looking for positivity, not negative crazy comments. Why doesn't anyone on DCUM get this???

because we are already afraid of your reaction. you sound batshit crazy and a mess. you need to clean up your act, that's my advice for co-parenting with an asshole (you).

[Anonymous]

I didn't ask my daughter. WTF - she told me within 5 minutes of seeing me after 7 days. No father should tell his daughter to lie to her mother. That's the point.

So - moving forward, how do I get her to trust things again? His antics just set her back. It's really really frusterating.

[Anonymous]

Really? really? I am not an asshole. I am a woman that has been through a crazy mess because of my asshole ex. I'm working through things, slowly, but it would a hell of a lot to have a little support, some positivity.

Thanks DCUM. Thanks for nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't ask my daughter. WTF - she told me within 5 minutes of seeing me after 7 days. No father should tell his daughter to lie to her mother. That's the point.

So - moving forward, how do I get her to trust things again? His antics just set her back. It's really really frusterating.

after a year and a half, you asked him to not to see his gf for 7 days? really? what things do you speak of which she needs trust again? your antics and generally being unstable are certainly not helping her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a drama queen.

People have told you the way you co-parent. You stop trying to control him or anything having to do with his dating life. You don't react the way you have in front of your daughter.

Of course he should not have told her to lie. I agree with you on that.

With everything else, though, you are coming across as though you are trying to manufacture drama to prove how *he* is solely traumatizing your daughter. You refuse to step back and see what role you have in that as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a drama queen.

People have told you the way you co-parent. You stop trying to control him or anything having to do with his dating life. You don't react the way you have in front of your daughter.

Of course he should not have told her to lie. I agree with you on that.

With everything else, though, you are coming across as though you are trying to manufacture drama to prove how *he* is solely traumatizing your daughter. You refuse to step back and see what role you have in that as well.

BINGO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really? really? I am not an asshole. I am a woman that has been through a crazy mess because of my asshole ex. I'm working through things, slowly, but it would a hell of a lot to have a little support, some positivity.

Thanks DCUM. Thanks for nothing.

Your inability to see the answers in spite of your rage is clearly the problem here.

Perhaps ex-husband has the same perspective as we do.

[Anonymous]

OP, let me ask you a simple question.

Since one does not have the ability to control the actions of ones ex, what do you think you can do to help this situation, and to help your daughter thrive?

[Anonymous]

No - his parents were in town and when they come to town, they want her the whole time. I had her this weekend specifically so he could introduce the gf to his parents when my daughter was with me.

I pull together a monthly calender for her to see so she knows where she will be, I'm the one that takes her to therapy, I'm the one that she talks to about anything. I knew my move was going to have an affect on her, I knew it but I had no choice. So everytime I'm with her its about getting her settled into my new place. She's getting there.

And for the record, I told her that it wasn't good that I cried or how I handled things. At least I talk to her about it. My ex never says sorry for anything

[Anonymous]

I am fine with I'm by myself, my daughter or anyone else. He triggers me, I know that, communicate that to him. I just don't like that he's putting things through my daughter than talking to me and leaving her out of it. It's that simple.

For me, I don't plan to see his face for at least 6 months because I know what it does to me. I'm getting my ass to the gym a lot more, and hey hey I'm going to get myself my own therapist. That is what I'm doing to help the sitution, in additon to taking care of my daughter's emotional situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am fine with I'm by myself, my daughter or anyone else. He triggers me, I know that, communicate that to him. I just don't like that he's putting things through my daughter than talking to me and leaving her out of it. It's that simple.

For me, I don't plan to see his face for at least 6 months because I know what it does to me. I'm getting my ass to the gym a lot more, and hey hey I'm going to get myself my own therapist. That is what I'm doing to help the sitution, in additon to taking care of my daughter's emotional situation.

You are creating your daughters emotional situation with your reaction that he "triggers."

[Anonymous]

DCUM - this place really could be a lot more about positive impacts rather than wasting the time to bring on negativity.

I'm not crazy. I hate the drama and the roller coaster I end up on when I have to deal with my ex. I'm moving on, and know that his antics will always be there.

Oh and in Nov we my daughter saw the girl walk into his house he lied to her about it. So for 3 days with me she asks me "why would dad lie to me???". Ugh. There is always something new to deal with. No joke.

Oh and when my daughter was 3, he would go out every weekend until 3am, go biking in the morning and then his idea of spending time with this daughter was sitting on the couch with both of them sitting with Ipads. I did everything for her, had a full time job while he worked, traveled, partied and biked. So many times I would be at dinner with her and he would just look out into space and say "where's daddy?" Exactly. He wouldn't change so I moved out. He refused counseling because he had already moved on and didn't care about breaking up our family for the sake of fucking random girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM - this place really could be a lot more about positive impacts rather than wasting the time to bring on negativity.

I'm not crazy. I hate the drama and the roller coaster I end up on when I have to deal with my ex. I'm moving on, and know that his antics will always be there.

Oh and in Nov we my daughter saw the girl walk into his house he lied to her about it. So for 3 days with me she asks me "why would dad lie to me???". Ugh. There is always something new to deal with. No joke.

Oh and when my daughter was 3, he would go out every weekend until 3am, go biking in the morning and then his idea of spending time with this daughter was sitting on the couch with both of them sitting with Ipads. I did everything for her, had a full time job while he worked, traveled, partied and biked. So many times I would be at dinner with her and he would just look out into space and say "where's daddy?" Exactly. He wouldn't change so I moved out. He refused counseling because he had already moved on and didn't care about breaking up our family for the sake of fucking random girls.

so you left him even though he wasn't cheating on you? or had abandoned you? or had abused you? but because you didnt like that he would spend time on the couch with his daughter?

you worked while he worked?

he spaced out?


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