How to Co-Parent with Ex

[Anonymous]

OP, you are clearly really upset. I am CERTAIN that your daughter picks up on that. Children take so many of their cues about how to react to stress from their parents - both of them. From him, she is learning that it's okay to lie and to ask others to lie. From you, she is learning that it's okay to react in whatever way you want as long as you apologize for it later. Neither of those things are okay.

You are both at fault here, and no one on this site is likely going to say "Oh you poor thing, your horrible ex is a horrible person who is wrong all the time!" No one ever says that here. I can count on one hand the number of affirming, unanimous threads I've read on this site.

I am divorced with a four year old. Last year, my ex introduced his then-girlfriend to our daughter over the holidays. He asked me if it was okay in advance and I said it was, because it is not my right to tell him who he can and can't introduce to our daughter and when and it is also not his responsibility to live his life by how I will feel about things. I lost the right to demand that he put my emotional needs as top priority when I left him. When DD mentioned her time with her dad and his girlfriend, I listened to her and did not make a big deal about it. Your reaction was over the top. You know that. Move on from it.

As for how to coparent with someone you have so many differences of opinion with, the only way it gets easier for you is if you make it easier on yourself. He will not make it any easier for you. Some of the things you've mentioned sound very positive. Making a clear schedule for her (that she can see herself) is a great idea. It will be nice for her to be able to predict when she will see her dad, etc. I would strongly encourage that it not just be a custody calendar but a calendar where she can see her activities as well. Please try to transform the move into an exciting time, rather than a scary/sad one. Can you do something festive to her new room? Could you and her have a housewarming party together? Maybe she would like to invite some friends of hers to have a tea party in her new house. Focus on your relationship with your daughter. If she wants to talk about her dad, be supportive and validating of her emotional reactions to things and her preferences without inserting your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM - this place really could be a lot more about positive impacts rather than wasting the time to bring on negativity.

I'm not crazy. I hate the drama and the roller coaster I end up on when I have to deal with my ex. I'm moving on, and know that his antics will always be there.

Oh and in Nov we my daughter saw the girl walk into his house he lied to her about it. So for 3 days with me she asks me "why would dad lie to me???". Ugh. There is always something new to deal with. No joke.

Oh and when my daughter was 3, he would go out every weekend until 3am, go biking in the morning and then his idea of spending time with this daughter was sitting on the couch with both of them sitting with Ipads. I did everything for her, had a full time job while he worked, traveled, partied and biked. So many times I would be at dinner with her and he would just look out into space and say "where's daddy?" Exactly. He wouldn't change so I moved out. He refused counseling because he had already moved on and didn't care about breaking up our family for the sake of fucking random girls.

do you always scream fuck you and i'm not crazy and this isn't my fault and fail to take any criticism for your role in this debacle only to settle down again and try to rationalize shit to yourself until you lose it again? over and over as you've done here? move on with your life and stop bitching because he has obviously moved on from you.

[Anonymous]

I am not creating my daughter emotional situation with my triggers. I creating it when I moved out and then moved again. That I know, I own up to that It just would be nice if my ex acted with things in her best interest, thats all. But thats not what he's ever going to do. For the rest of my life I'm going to be cleaning up the mess he makes.

Oh and for 7 months she called some random woman a step mom and her kids stepbrothers even though they were not, could never be because the woman is married. He does all the family stuff with that woman that he never did with me and my daughter, go to dinner, go to the movies, go shopping etc etc etc. He put the word step-mom into her vocabulary, not me.

The best thing out of my divorce is to get away from his negativity and that he became a dad for the first time in his life. Because he had to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not creating my daughter emotional situation with my triggers. I creating it when I moved out and then moved again. That I know, I own up to that It just would be nice if my ex acted with things in her best interest, thats all. But thats not what he's ever going to do. For the rest of my life I'm going to be cleaning up the mess he makes.

Oh and for 7 months she called some random woman a step mom and her kids stepbrothers even though they were not, could never be because the woman is married. He does all the family stuff with that woman that he never did with me and my daughter, go to dinner, go to the movies, go shopping etc etc etc. He put the word step-mom into her vocabulary, not me.

The best thing out of my divorce is to get away from his negativity and that he became a dad for the first time in his life. Because he had to be.

maybe YOU were the negativity?

sheesh

[Anonymous]

lol - I was looking for advice - not for people to sit and tear me down.

Good god - DCUM, really really really, you can do better than that.

I'm telling my story because Im describing the bs I've been through for those peeps out there that say I'm crazy. That's all. I don't like thinking about this crap. But its been a really shitty weekend with my daughter and I was looking for support.

[Anonymous]

Ha - cuz I didn't want to fuck him because he treated me like dirt. That simple. I all blew up because I was so tired of doing everything that I didn't feel like fucking. So he fucked other people, and when he was really horney, decided it was ok try and fuck me when I was asleep. Craziness. Treat me like dirt - no sex. Be nice, don't knock down my feelings, have a mental connection and yeah, I'll want to fuck. It's not hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha - cuz I didn't want to fuck him because he treated me like dirt. That simple. I all blew up because I was so tired of doing everything that I didn't feel like fucking. So he fucked other people, and when he was really horney, decided it was ok try and fuck me when I was asleep. Craziness. Treat me like dirt - no sex. Be nice, don't knock down my feelings, have a mental connection and yeah, I'll want to fuck. It's not hard

right, you sound like a peach.

[Anonymous]

Yep - me and her have a lot of positive things coming up which I'm excited about. We are going to have a party once it warms up cuz we have a kickass balcony. I'm taking her on 2 trips. I will explictedly talk to her about how I acted and explain things to her. She can talk to me.

And yes, I absolutely know I have been at fault. I've owned up to everything I've done wrong. But I knew that I'm in an vulnerable place right now, I know I am and I'm moving forward. It's good to know that. But yes, having expectations that my ex will respect anything about me is crazy. I just really wish he had told me what he was going to do so I could process it. Whats done is done. I want to focus on positive things, not things I've lost.

But as I told my ex, moving out is hard, moving again is hard, realizing that I was married to someone that had checked out years ago and didn't want to even try to work on it is hard. It just is. I never thought my life would be like this, but it is and I'm going with it. Doing the best I can at the moment. I just have to co-parent with a person I don't like much meanwhile my daughter asks if I love him and I just don't know what to say. She says "You have to love him!". I might be able to be friends with him in time, just not yet.

[Anonymous]

I am hot and cute and fiesty and believe me, I know the world wants to fuck me. Don't worry about that. Every dude I meet thinks I'm awesome, cuz I am. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm kinda awesome. I prefer to hang out with positive people, not negative ones like my ex.

No - I don't want to fuck a guy that doesn't respect me. It's that simple. Id rather be alone. Easier than to deal with iddiots. Lots of lonely horney dudes out there, that I know.

[Anonymous]

Waste of time being on DCUM. Hitting the gym and going out with a girl friend later. Gonna enjoy my free time and let go of the negativity and that nastiness. Yeah for me!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Waste of time being on DCUM. Hitting the gym and going out with a girl friend later. Gonna enjoy my free time and let go of the negativity and that nastiness. Yeah for me!!

guess OP doesn't work either.

Sounds like a real winner!

[Anonymous]

OP, do you honestly want people to feed you things like, "you are AWESOME, you GO GIRL!" instead of giving you honest, construct advice that could actually help your situation?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you sound a little unstable, you should find a counselor or therapist pronto.

[Anonymous]

It's called therapy people - try some

[Anonymous]

she also sounds very very young. and uneducated.

just the type to end up a single mother and blame the world