Resenting my wife

[Anonymous]

21:49, how did you manage to find work each time? Trying to figure out how best to support her in finding something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Really appreciate the views shared. I am trying to come to accept my wife as being a permanent SAH, though it's not our original agreement. House we bought was on the promise from her that she'd return to work. If this doesn't happen, our expenses are too high for my income. So I was thinking to tell her that if things don't change in 18 months we would sell the house, and adjust our lifestyle accordingly. I realize this sounds like an ultimatum which I would avoid but that's the gist. I admit it is 95% a money issue and 5% a principle issue.

My husband encouraged me to SAH and I could not imagine it. I am now and this was absolutely not what we agreed to but he was right, I am much happier at home and when I am happier, he is happier. Get over your principal as if she does not earn enough to pay child care or a nanny, you could end up supplementing child care and that doesn't include work clothing, gas, car expenses, etc. If you cannot afford your current lifestyle, it is reasonable to have that discussion. You tell her you are fine with her staying at home/not working but the current financial situation is not working and you need to downsize the house and adjust your lifestyle, especially with the addition of another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Really appreciate the views shared. I am trying to come to accept my wife as being a permanent SAH, though it's not our original agreement. House we bought was on the promise from her that she'd return to work. If this doesn't happen, our expenses are too high for my income. So I was thinking to tell her that if things don't change in 18 months we would sell the house, and adjust our lifestyle accordingly. I realize this sounds like an ultimatum which I would avoid but that's the gist. I admit it is 95% a money issue and 5% a principle issue.

I think you are within perfect right to do this and in fact are being more than fair, if you really did have an "original agreement" about how this was going to work. She has changed the terms on you, but you are still giving her a choice. She either helps pay for this house, or you live in something smaller that you can afford on one income. How can anyone criticize that logic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, OP. I was married to someone - professional female - who decided the SAHW gig was a good one and when we were nearing the child leaving the nest started pining for another. That's when I got the vasectomy, and later the divorce. Good luck to you. I feel for you bro'. It's a lot of pressure to have to be the sole provider for a family, and then have it not even understood and appreciated by the the "overworked" SAHW.

You sound like a charmer. Hope she got you for alimony!

[Anonymous]

OP, if she found FT work would she be earning enough to pay for the childcare? It not, there is no point at all in pushing her to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if she found FT work would she be earning enough to pay for the childcare? It not, there is no point at all in pushing her to.

Why would you only count childcare expenses against her salary?

[Anonymous]

I rode the gravy train for 3 decades. WHAT A RIDE !!

[Anonymous]

OP, I only have sympathy for you if you literally cannot afford to pay your bills every month with the current set-up.
This is because having a baby changes a woman's priorities and it would be wrong to hold her to old agreements or begrudge her if she is happier staying at home.

DH was perfectly fine with me staying home, and after trying it, we both realized that I was far less stressed (I used to have regular panic attacks at my old workplace, pretty stressful job). Note that we made it work on 60K with DC1, and now with 92K with DC2. I scrimp and save and budget. We are happy. I also know that the job market is AWFUL for returning mothers, and my Master's is not worth anything without fresh work experience. Finding a reasonably paying job will be HARD for your wife.

That being said, if she's at home and you are in financially tight, there is no need for either a babysitter or a maid!!! The SAH bargain is childcare and clean house with meals instead of working. Of course you should absolutely help out too, like cleaning the gutters or mowing the lawn or taking out the trash, or ironing your shirts.

Start by opening the lines of communications. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey, OP. I was married to someone - professional female - who decided the SAHW gig was a good one and when we were nearing the child leaving the nest started pining for another. That's when I got the vasectomy, and later the divorce. Good luck to you. I feel for you bro'. It's a lot of pressure to have to be the sole provider for a family, and then have it not even understood and appreciated by the the "overworked" SAHW.

You sound like a charmer. Hope she got you for alimony!

Only until she remarried, which was two years. It was totally worth it to be rid of her. Oh, and even with the alimony she had to find work as it was supplemental to her own income. The court imputed an income to her based on education. She got $30K and the house. I got the pension and 401K, which in the end was the better deal for me. Oh, and the kids preferred me to her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if she found FT work would she be earning enough to pay for the childcare? It not, there is no point at all in pushing her to.

Why would you only count childcare expenses against her salary?

...because if she isn't working the expense doesn't exist? If she'll be able to earn 35K a year but the nanny is going to cost 42K, everyone's better off with her staying home (assuming that's what she wants to do).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if she found FT work would she be earning enough to pay for the childcare? It not, there is no point at all in pushing her to.

Why would you only count childcare expenses against her salary?

Not the PP, but it's just a matter of math. If the DW goes to work FT you have to give up whatever income she makes that has to cover daycare. If she stays home, you should not be paying for day care.

OP full time daycare for a preschooler as of August 2013 where I live was $1100 a month. You will have two under K age? Plus you have to gross up the math to include the income taxes you pay to make that $2200 to pay your daycare provider.

Honestly, it is probably best for your relationship and your finances if you just let her SAH. But I would put my foot down about expenses. If she is going to SAH then her job includes coupon clipping, meal preparation, and otherwise reducing the household budget. Moving to a smaller place you can afford goes without saying.

I would recommend you approach this gently, lovingly. "Since it seems like the job market is still tough, and since daycare for two kids is so expensive, it seems like it might make more sense for you to SAH until the kids are in elementary school What do you think dear? OK, but we both need to understand, we really will need to get a smaller house for a few years that we can afford on one salary. It's OK; it will only be for a few years".

Can you rent out your current home and buy or rent a smaller place? That way you can move back if/when the kids are older and the house is more affordable. Also if the market keeps going up, you can sell it later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Really appreciate the views shared. I am trying to come to accept my wife as being a permanent SAH, though it's not our original agreement. House we bought was on the promise from her that she'd return to work. If this doesn't happen, our expenses are too high for my income. So I was thinking to tell her that if things don't change in 18 months we would sell the house, and adjust our lifestyle accordingly. I realize this sounds like an ultimatum which I would avoid but that's the gist. I admit it is 95% a money issue and 5% a principle issue.

I think you are within perfect right to do this and in fact are being more than fair, if you really did have an "original agreement" about how this was going to work. She has changed the terms on you, but you are still giving her a choice. She either helps pay for this house, or you live in something smaller that you can afford on one income. How can anyone criticize that logic?

ITA. If you can't afford your home on your current HHI, then you must increase your income or downsize your living expenses. This is not an ultimatum, this is REALITY. It sounds like your wife needs a reality check.

Further, who is saving to support both of you in retirement? The question about whether the family's net income increases when both parents are working and childcare is an expense is an extremely short-sighted one. Every year one spouse stays out of the work force makes it that much harder to get back in at anywhere close to the salary she stopped working and is another year lost in retirement savings or pension contributions.

But the person you should be having this conversation with is your wife, not us. It sounds like you guys have lots to talk about, actually. You didn't know she was planning to have another child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if she found FT work would she be earning enough to pay for the childcare? It not, there is no point at all in pushing her to.

Why would you only count childcare expenses against her salary?

...because if she isn't working the expense doesn't exist? If she'll be able to earn 35K a year but the nanny is going to cost 42K, everyone's better off with her staying home (assuming that's what she wants to do).

That is a very short-sighted view of the value of work. By remaining employed, she is employable and capable of increasing her earnings. There are also benefits like retirement and health insurance to consider.

Childcare comes out of both incomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:49, how did you manage to find work each time? Trying to figure out how best to support her in finding something.

I work in a pretty specialized field, so I did informational interviews each time we moved. I invited prospective employers out to lunch to pick their brain about what opportunities would be available, and each time I did that it was based on these people having a lot of contacts as well. So it was, "well, if you hear of anything that you think I might be a good fit for, please let me know." Each time I did that, I was ultimately hired by the people I took out to lunch.

FWIW, I think your plan of selling the house is a good one. The only benefit from moving each time without a job was that none of our living expenses like mortgages were ever based on my salary because I didn't have one. So we never based our "must haves" on a double income. We got our "we wants" on my income. Selling your house would be the reverse of that.

I hope things work out for you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if she found FT work would she be earning enough to pay for the childcare? It not, there is no point at all in pushing her to.

Why would you only count childcare expenses against her salary?

Exactly. It's so short sighted to discount benefits....retirement, health care, potential bonuses, not to mention higher future earnings potential. If she actually committed to a career her earnings would ostensibly go up over time.