Resenting my wife

[Anonymous]

So she's not looking for a job (really, she's not), but she thinks being a mother is really hard too. What's going on with her? Why can't she just confess to you the truth- either she's trying seriously to get back to work, or she wants to be a stay at home mom. Make her do the budget, so she can see how hard it is for you currently.
And yes, she did get pregnant on purpose. And for all the women out there who say it takes two, you all know what I'm talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so she wants to be a stay at home wife. She probably resents you pushing so hard for her to work. If you want to be helpful, do 1/2 the housework, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and care taking while you are home. A babysitter will watch the kids but will not take care of all the little things. Oh, don't forget doctor and dental appointments, etc. too.

this is sarcasm right?

[Anonymous]

OP, I got a 3 BR condo in a good school system in NOVA. 1538 sf, @300k. Rentals available too. You can downsize if you are willing to make trade offs. It's not forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so she wants to be a stay at home wife. She probably resents you pushing so hard for her to work. If you want to be helpful, do 1/2 the housework, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and care taking while you are home. A babysitter will watch the kids but will not take care of all the little things. Oh, don't forget doctor and dental appointments, etc. too.

this is sarcasm right?

I think what PP is saying is, if DH is doing half the household work, then DW has no leg to stand on regarding unwillingness to work FT outside the home. If both parties are equally sharing the home responsibilities, both parties should also be WOHM.

I don't think PP is suggesting he should do half the home work and ALSO be the only breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are still reading this thread, please ignore everything that has been said.
Please think about he issues you have (money, principle, DW wants to have just 2 kids or does she want more?) and approach them as a couple and talk to her and find a solution together. Sounds to me that you are the oñly one seeing a $$$ issue, and she is either blind or avoiding the conversation. Talk to her in a loving way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so she wants to be a stay at home wife. She probably resents you pushing so hard for her to work. If you want to be helpful, do 1/2 the housework, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and care taking while you are home. A babysitter will watch the kids but will not take care of all the little things. Oh, don't forget doctor and dental appointments, etc. too.

this is sarcasm right?

I think what PP is saying is, if DH is doing half the household work, then DW has no leg to stand on regarding unwillingness to work FT outside the home. If both parties are equally sharing the home responsibilities, both parties should also be WOHM.

I don't think PP is suggesting he should do half the home work and ALSO be the only breadwinner.

if she isn't doing these things as SAHM now, i dont think there is any expectation that additional effort on H's part would affect a more positive outcome.

seems like all that would do would be to increase his workload and set the stage for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHy do most of you base decisions on money only?
Aren't you willing to give up a few years of income to have extra time with the kids?

Why do most of you base everything on money?
Not just money but income potential in the future?

I'll take some less income Potential in the future in order to have extra time with my kids.

Since SAH is a decision that impacts finances, both parties need to agree. There may need to be compromised made to afford that choice, like living further out, renting instead of buying, smaller scale home, taking a job with longer hours or travel that pays more. There is also the stress that it puts on one person. If work is getting unbearable you don't have the luxury of taking a break from work or else the mortgage won't get paid. If you hear layoff rumors you have to worry about having no income to support the family. You also may have to look at how you plan retirement, life insurance, and disability with only having one wage earner.

Also don't all those studies mention financial stress as being one of the major causes of marital conflict and possibly divorce? If the desire to spend more time with the kids and not work outside the home comes at the expense of being in a partnership with DH/DW in the end you won't be giving your kids stability if it leads to marital arguments and/or divorce.

Back to OP, you can't force DW to get a job and you don't know if it is the lack of desire, fear of not being as good now that she is out a couple of years, or genuinely tough market even if she is at the top of her game. You can however revisit the family finances based on SAH including downsizing to take some of the financial pressure off and help meet the bills and no babysitter half time. If I had become a SAHM I would have needed a small part-time job (maybe retail) to earn extra money for mom mornings out or become part of a babysitting swap. Also, make sure you have discussed the division of labor so to speak. Yes,childcare, making dinner, doctor appts etc. fall to SAHP but it can't be 24-7. It's a labor of love but still labor. So maybe you have dinner cleanup and bedtime duties plus some one on one time with the kids on the weekend. My DH would bring the oldest with him on errands or to the play area when DC was younger so I could get a break on the weekend. The younger one was very tied to me but one trip to a breakfast place with dad as a toddler and it was momy who. Setiouslybits nice to see they have traditions and time when they don't have to compete with sibling for attention.

Good luck. You are in a tough place. If you don't think conversations will go well with spouse, you may want to get counseling to help you through this rough patch.