Resenting my wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if she found FT work would she be earning enough to pay for the childcare? It not, there is no point at all in pushing her to.

Why would you only count childcare expenses against her salary?

It's pretty obvious.
When she doesn't work, they dont have to pay the expense.
If she does work they have the expense.
Especially when if she doesn't want to work, why would she work if they didn't come of ahead?

Yeah, this is basically an exercise in analyzing the marginal utility of the wife taking a job. I'd say at the end of the day, it still makes the most financial sense to do it. But this isn't a "sexist" calculation since all income and liabilities are joint and fungible anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the OP were a woman the responses would be drastically different.

I'm sorry OP, but your wife bamboozled you so she could stay home. Basically she lied to you.

The people here defending her are wrong. You don't marry someone and then totally switch up things and get mad with they don't jump on board. That's not how marriage works and probably why the divorce rate will remain so high.

+ 1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so she wants to be a stay at home wife. She probably resents you pushing so hard for her to work. If you want to be helpful, do 1/2 the housework, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and care taking while you are home. A babysitter will watch the kids but will not take care of all the little things. Oh, don't forget doctor and dental appointments, etc. too.

Oh please, DW here and OPs wife is NOT entitled to be a SAHM. If he needs financial help for their household she needs to woman up and get a job. How is it fair for him to feel all the financial stress.

OP- sorry your wife sounds selfish and also like she is not trying 100% (or was) to get a job. You both need to sit an prioritize your marriage and fiances asap!

[Anonymous]

If my husband had refused to work, I'd divorce his loser freeloading ass.

Sorry OP. You got hoodwinked.

[Anonymous]

If the OP were a woman the responses would be drastically different.

Agree. Have you read the WOH wife/SAH husband threads? Yes, the gender difference is startling -- women recommend taking away DH's cell phone and punishing him financially as a way to induce him to get a job, even where the husband does the housework and child care. You know, because it's the man's role to provide!

OP, it is pretty normal for a woman's priorities to shift unexpectedly after a child, but it sounds like you are weighed down by the stress of (also unexpectedly) being an sole provider. Can you share that with her in a way that doesn't make her feel defensive? I am the sole provider in our family, and my husband is a SAHD. I grew up spending long hours in daycare and am a big believer in having one parent at home. But the financial responsibility is stressful, and we talk about the weight of that responsibility and my fear that I am failing as a provider on a pretty consistent basis.

I think that what you suggest about downsizing is a good idea. But this has to be approached as a team, and you could probably benefit from some counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - You married a lemon. Prepare for a third kid down the road, so your DW can milk the SAHM gravy train as long as possible.

OP can count on this happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - You married a lemon. Prepare for a third kid down the road, so your DW can milk the SAHM gravy train as long as possible.

OP can count on this happening.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If the OP were a woman the responses would be drastically different.

Agree. Have you read the WOH wife/SAH husband threads? Yes, the gender difference is startling -- women recommend taking away DH's cell phone and punishing him financially as a way to induce him to get a job, even where the husband does the housework and child care. You know, because it's the man's role to provide!

OP, it is pretty normal for a woman's priorities to shift unexpectedly after a child, but it sounds like you are weighed down by the stress of (also unexpectedly) being an sole provider. Can you share that with her in a way that doesn't make her feel defensive? I am the sole provider in our family, and my husband is a SAHD. I grew up spending long hours in daycare and am a big believer in having one parent at home. But the financial responsibility is stressful, and we talk about the weight of that responsibility and my fear that I am failing as a provider on a pretty consistent basis.

I think that what you suggest about downsizing is a good idea. But this has to be approached as a team, and you could probably benefit from some counseling.

That's not gender induced. What all of those threads are about is one spouse wants to stay at home while the other spouse doesn't agree. Both spouses HAVE to agree to have one stay at home, otherwise one spouse is solely responsible for the financial well-being of the family, and that's not something anyone should have to do without their consent. If you really feel entitled to stay at home against your spouse's wishes, be prepared for a thread about you where your spouse is saying he or she resents you, because that's the only outcome of that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so she wants to be a stay at home wife. She probably resents you pushing so hard for her to work. If you want to be helpful, do 1/2 the housework, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and care taking while you are home. A babysitter will watch the kids but will not take care of all the little things. Oh, don't forget doctor and dental appointments, etc. too.

OK so he works but he's supposed to come home and take care of 1/2 the household duties as well to help her? SAHM have got to be the laziest group of people on the planet. Panhandlers work harder and with less complaining about all they have to do. If you are overwhelmed by having to make a phone call to the dentist once or twice a year - good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the OP were a woman the responses would be drastically different.

I'm sorry OP, but your wife bamboozled you so she could stay home. Basically she lied to you.

The people here defending her are wrong. You don't marry someone and then totally switch up things and get mad with they don't jump on board. That's not how marriage works and probably why the divorce rate will remain so high.

+ 1,000

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom going back to work is not an "expense category." It's not even a cost. It's an asset.

Even if she loses half that additional income to child care expenses and taxes, she's still adding money to the household.

Childcare certainly is an "expense category" incurred by Mom going to work.

9:47, things change when you have kids. OP's wife will have to adjust to a different lifestyle and certainly could have been more direct about what she wanted.

It is an expense category for all working parents, moms and dads alike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if she found FT work would she be earning enough to pay for the childcare? It not, there is no point at all in pushing her to.

Why would you only count childcare expenses against her salary?

...because if she isn't working the expense doesn't exist? If she'll be able to earn 35K a year but the nanny is going to cost 42K, everyone's better off with her staying home (assuming that's what she wants to do).

That is a very short-sighted view of the value of work. By remaining employed, she is employable and capable of increasing her earnings. There are also benefits like retirement and health insurance to consider.

Childcare comes out of both incomes.

I agree with this. It's not just a matter of what she can make now but what it means for her career down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the OP were a woman the responses would be drastically different.

I'm sorry OP, but your wife bamboozled you so she could stay home. Basically she lied to you.

The people here defending her are wrong. You don't marry someone and then totally switch up things and get mad with they don't jump on board. That's not how marriage works and probably why the divorce rate will remain so high.

I know that this would have bothered my husband - especially because he wanted to be a fully-engaged dad and, while being married to a SAHM wouldn't have necessarily precluded that, men are more likely to share less in parenting when the women they are married to stay at home to take care of the kids. I'm fine with a couple choosing to divide household labor that way but it never would have suited my dh.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sympathetic to your situation but I think you should try to look at the upsides. I don't know what your work is but for me, I would love to have a SAHM (I am a WOHM) at home. Never worry missing a day of work for sick kid, random teacher in service day. Don't have to do errands or pick dry cleaning on the weekends. Come home to dinner. Never argue about drop off/pick up. If you have to work late or last minute business trip, no problem. I am surprised at how many husbands here are complaining about their sahms. My husband would be thrilled if I didn't work for the sole reason that having kids is really hard to juggle with 2 working parents.

When my husband was furloughed during the shutdown, it was awesome. It was like having a wife at home.

Now maybe your work isn't so demanding that you work 9-5 and have great flexibility. But having someone at home will make your life much less chaotic.

Your financial concerns are obviously legitimate. I echo PPs who say that you should sit down with your wife and say I respect your desire to stay home to take care of the kids and family. But without your income, we are going to need to move and I want to do that before the second baby is born. You should also be clear on the expectations of what she will do and what you will do (in terms of household chores) and on the newly diminished household budget.

[Anonymous]

OP, why did your wife leave the workforce after your first child? Why do you want her to earn money, and why do you secretly resent her for not doing so? Does she have champagne tastes on a beer budget? Does she seem miserable being at home? Are there things she could do that would make staying at home more tenable to you? Have you told her any of this? If not, why? Having children impacts women in a fundamental way. You can discuss "what will happen after kids come along" until the cows come home, but until they do, your wife has no idea how she will feel. Given that she's been out of the workforce for so long, and that you'll have two kids who need childcare, I doubt her income from any job will help with the bills as much as you think. I'd also be very careful with your language, re "investing in herself". All of us, everyday invest in ourselves. Most of us can't tie a dollar amount to it. If you'd laid out money for her to do medical transcription, and she chose to drink wine instead of go to class, then say that openly. Since you didn't say that, the message I take away from your posts is that you view your wife as a flawed human being who's only value to you is "helping with the bills" except she's not even capable of that. Imagine how soul crushing that would be if you were on the receiving end.