Grandmother to be, and visiting after birth
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Anonymous
Seriously. And do it all WITHOUT being asked!! |
Anonymous
| If they were smart enough to politely indicate their preference, why wouldn't you honor that? What else would you do? Show up unasked and barge in? |
Anonymous
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OP again -
I will indeed honor what they've asked. But I remain feeling justified in thinking they are being unfair, and will end up needing the help. It is very different with their generation, as my generation relied on the family during these times, and they think they can do it all. I do know it is their choice, I just do not understand it one bit. |
Anonymous
But maybe you're not as much help as you think you are. Also I would want my mom to be right there in the first week simply because there is a deeper familiarity and I don't care if she sees me naked. I also wouldn't care if my house wasn't clean. MIL is awesome but I would feel an obligation to host that I would not with my own mom. And on that note (due to a small apartment) nobody came to help me at all and I managed just fine. |
Anonymous
OP, it sounds like you made some assumptions when you first raised the topic with them. Also, you haven't told us exactly "what they've asked" for. We don't know whether the motel is an issue for you because of budget, or because it feels unwelcoming, or because you expected to be on hand for them 24/7, or because you want to be able to spend more time with the new baby and sibling. We don't know if the older sibling will be in a childcare situation or not. We don't know what your relationship with them is like generally, or what kind of budget they have for help already, or what kind of friend network they have. If I were you, I'd slow down and talk with them - before the baby comes, and again when you visit. It's their job to ask for help, it's your job to say what you're willing to do or not do for them. It's your job to ask to spend time with them and their children, it's their job to say when and how those visits would work for them. If you stick to your roles, nobody will come off thinking anybody else is being "unfair." |
Anonymous
Grandma, please leave that attitude at home. If you think they need the help so much, go there and be as helpful as you can be. They will realize that help from family can be great as long as it doesn't come with judgement and "in my day we gave babies bourbon in their bottles" kind of advice and attitudes. |
Anonymous
| OP, take a hint. They might have moved 5 hours away for a reason. It's not even your daughter giving birth, it's your daughter IN LAW. Maybe if they want help, she might feel more comfortable getting it from her side of the family. She is going to be dealing with some serious physical recovery and possibly challenging breastfeeding. You're lucky they're even letting you come into town right after the birth and not having you wait until they're settled. You have already had your children... this is their turn to make their own decisions about one of the most important times in their lives. |
Anonymous
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As painful as it is to realize that you aren't a dearly wanted grandma, you need to take a step back and do as they ask in order to keep the peace and to be able to maintain a relationship with your grandchildren. Your DIL will likely control how involved you are in their life.
When you go to their house don't just jump in and start helping. they are telling you that you are a visitor or a guest - not someone they see as someone they want in the house all the time and you need to respect that. Politely offer to help out. You can ask your son to give you a heads up on what your DIL considers helpful and not helpful. Don't overstay your welcome - better to have a few short visitors as a guest then come across too strong and have even more distance put between you. Many people don't see extended family as family or think they should be actively involved (unless its to babysit when they need someone!). It is a real adjustment if you have seen extended family as family and consider your DIL to be family when she doesn't see you the same way. Congrats on the new grandbaby. |
Anonymous
It was different when they were local and you could come and go at short intervals. Being there 24-7 after the birth of a child is a lot for some people. They may rather you not come right away if you want to stay for awhile. It is a different ball game when you live far away. If you are not used to living at a distance from family members, spend some time thinking about what their experience is like (and yours) both hosting and traveling, what is involved, etc. Be pleasant and understanding. Make them think, "Gosh, we kind of wish Mom stayed longer" rather than "wow, we are asking mom to stay at a hotel from now on!" |
Anonymous
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OP, I get along swimmingly with my MIL. But when I gave birth and right afterwards, I really didn't want her around. I wanted to go camp out in bed for a week with my new baby and establish breastfeeding. I spent the week topless. I just wanted to cuddle the new baby and get used to being a bigger family.
DH and I didn't need help from in-laws or other relatives, no matter how well-meaning they were. My MIL is lovely, but she doesn't load the dishwasher the way DH and I like it, she doesn't fold the towels the way we want them folded so they'll fit in the linen closet, and she lets DC eat things that are not okay with us (screw it being a grandparent's job to spoil their grandchildren). Sorry you're hurt but this is not about you. And if you bring an "I told you so" attitude to them if they DO wind up asking you for help, you'll make them wish they hadn't. |
Anonymous
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Presumably DIL has a family of origin, and it is her prerogative to seek their help if she chooses.
The paternal grandmother plays second fiddle. You must learn your place. Remember--the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand the rules the world. If you want a place in your lives, keep your mouth shut. |
Anonymous
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16:16 - you are an amazing person with amazing parents. And you knew better at 20 something than most "experienced grandmothers" know!
Basic common sense and consideration go a long way. Unfortunately, my MIL has neither, and showed her true colors early in the relationship. She wants to rule the roost, but she forfeited any say all by herself. If you want to truly be helpful, that is one thing. If you want bragging rights and a p*ssing contest (frankly), that is quite another. The generation before us rarely spoke up, and we speak up far more than they imagined. If the latter is the case, be glad your son saw fit to marry a strong, independent, and very capable woman; who will raise strong, independent and very capable (grand)children. |
Anonymous
| I think this is a troll, people. Same one who posted pretending to be a MIL all hurt about wedding invitations. |
Anonymous
| OP, the most helpful thing that you can do is to offer to care for and entertain the older child. Take your grandchild out, bring him/her back and forth to the hospital, make his/her meals, get them ready for bed--that kind of help is priceless. You can even offer to take them to your hotel with you to spend the night and give the new parents bonding time (although you should not be offended if they don't take you up on the offer as having their older child there to bond with the baby is also important). Just because you are staying in a hotel doesn't mean that you can't be helpful and that you can't spend time with them. But you need to give them some space as well. It's tough enough to have houseguests without kids but having them after you just got out of the hospital with a newborn is a lot to ask. |
Anonymous
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I am a first time expectant mom and I can understand your perspective, OP. It's the perspective my own MIL probably has. This is our first child, and the first grandchild for both sides, and I am torn on how to handle it when out of town family wants to travel here to see the baby. My MIL will probably want to stay with us, as she always has in the past, and she will be very insulted and confused if I ask her to stay in a hotel. I can understand that perspective--she is by herself, and staying in a hotel would seem off-putting at a time when one might think family connection and togetherness should be important. She probably thinks she can be somewhat helpful, so why wouldn't I want her to stay in our house and help out with the baby?
But I just don't know if I want to be a host for guests, and my MIL is a demanding guest (as are my own parents). My MIL expects to be entertained, and she doesn't really help out with anything normally. I can see her offering to be helpful in this situation by maybe preparing meals or watching the baby, but overall I think it will be more stress for me to be a host (provide clean towels, make sure there is food in the fridge that she likes, make sure she is entertained, etc.) and I don't know if I will be up for it as a first time mom. Having guests is stressful for me, whether it's my own parents or my MIL. There is always the expectation to be a host and make sure they have clean towels, have food they like, etc. And having someone who is not usually there is just stressful in general, because you can't just be yourself. I don't really feel comfortable with my MIL, and we haven't had a very good relationship--just a distant relationship so far, and DH and I have been married over 10 years. However, if I ask her to stay in a hotel she will be very offended and not understand at all, and I don't know if I want to deal with that and deal with her being offended. So I'm not sure what to do. It's a tough situation. |