Grandmother to be, and visiting after birth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again -
I will indeed honor what they've asked. But I remain feeling justified in thinking they are being unfair, and will end up needing the help. It is very different with their generation, as my generation relied on the family during these times, and they think they can do it all.

I do know it is their choice, I just do not understand it one bit.

Even without having just had labor and a newborn and your own nuclear family to take care of, it is TOTALLY different having out-of-town houseguests living in your house for days VERSUS family stopping by a few hours a day.
Help that lives in your house can really wear out its welcome.

[Anonymous]

OP: out of curiosity, what do you consider "helping"?

Is it cooking meals, doing laundry, changing diapers, vacuuming, taking the dog for a walk, cleaning out the kitty litter, running to the grocery store, greeting drop in guests, feeding those guests, sterilizing bottles, letting your DiL sleep when she needs to?

Or is it helping by holding the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again -
I will indeed honor what they've asked. But I remain feeling justified in thinking they are being unfair, and will end up needing the help. It is very different with their generation, as my generation relied on the family during these times, and they think they can do it all.

I do know it is their choice, I just do not understand it one bit.

Christ. I can tell you'd be a pain in the ass to have around. This is not your decision. If you can't understand it after all of these PPs have done a good job explaining it, then it's your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: out of curiosity, what do you consider "helping"?

Is it cooking meals, doing laundry, changing diapers, vacuuming, taking the dog for a walk, cleaning out the kitty litter, running to the grocery store, greeting drop in guests, feeding those guests, sterilizing bottles, letting your DiL sleep when she needs to?

Or is it helping by holding the baby?

Haha, I point blank asked my Mom if she would help with errands, housework, meals, etc while I get the hang of baby stuff and recovered the first couple weeks. She point blank said "no, but she would play with the baby!"
She and my father would be out of town houseguests then, and due to their (self-centered) answer, now they are coming month 2.

The inlaws have a slick proposal too. They want to wait until we figure everything out, recover, and I am back at work, and then come visit for "several weeks" and be fulltime childcare. Not sure we're going with that as (a) houseguests for over a week are stressful, and (b) they haven't even babysat an infant in decades.

Meanwhile, I'm looking fw to being a total sore zombie for the first couple months.....ugh.... and we're considering just making a big triangle of flights to both parents for Christmas/new years time instead. Might be better than our home (and budget!) ballooning from 2 people to 5 people all at once!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again -
I will indeed honor what they've asked. But I remain feeling justified in thinking they are being unfair, and will end up needing the help. It is very different with their generation, as my generation relied on the family during these times, and they think they can do it all.

I do know it is their choice, I just do not understand it one bit.

you dont need to understand it. you need to respect it.

i loved having that time with my new baby and my husband and no visitors. it is such a precious time and such a wonderful moment for their family. family can still be helpful and what is helpful to the new parents may not have been what you considered helpful as a new parent.
sure they might want help but they might not want it from you or the first week. and its not an i told you so if they ask for it later.

it is not unfair just because you disagree and you would choose something different.

[Anonymous]

I can't help but think this is a troll. It doesn't have the usual troll-isms, but this topic has been on DCUM COUNTLESS times. Like, multiple threads about giving birth/post-labor, and the mother/MIL wanting to be in the room, or houseguests right after.
And this post didn't even have a "I know this topic has been discussed several times before, but...." which usually a person writes when that's the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't help but think this is a troll. It doesn't have the usual troll-isms, but this topic has been on DCUM COUNTLESS times. Like, multiple threads about giving birth/post-labor, and the mother/MIL wanting to be in the room, or houseguests right after.
And this post didn't even have a "I know this topic has been discussed several times before, but...." which usually a person writes when that's the case.

Yeah, the more I think about it, I think you're right. Shouldn't have wasted my time responding.

[Anonymous]

Only a fool would want to visit someone who has a newborn.
When my children marry and want to visit, I will put them in a hotel, as well. I don't want to be that close to their lives and I
do not want them that close to my life especially if they have children.

[Anonymous]

Take a step back and stop being so selfish, OP.

This really, really is not about you and what tales you want to spin for your bridge buddies.

[Anonymous]

There's a hidden advantage for you, here, Grandma. You can be the fun grandmother, the one who does interesting things with the children without being responsible for raising them.

Enjoy it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only a fool would want to visit someone who has a newborn.
When my children marry and want to visit, I will put them in a hotel, as well. I don't want to be that close to their lives and I
do not want them that close to my life especially if they have children.

Is this post serious?

[Anonymous]

My MIL came in every day after I gave birth, brought her boyfriend along, some wine and pretended its a party! In addition to this, she refused the idea of handwashing, pushed me away from the baby "you go rest", followed me to the room when I breastfed, and many other things (I already complained here about I was miserable. I am moving 5 hours away before I have another baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't help but think this is a troll. It doesn't have the usual troll-isms, but this topic has been on DCUM COUNTLESS times. Like, multiple threads about giving birth/post-labor, and the mother/MIL wanting to be in the room, or houseguests right after.
And this post didn't even have a "I know this topic has been discussed several times before, but...." which usually a person writes when that's the case.

Yeah, the more I think about it, I think you're right. Shouldn't have wasted my time responding.

I think it's the same troll who pretended to be a SIL feeding her brother's baby. Maybe this person wants to show her MIL's perspective instead of writing as it is. I responded anyways- a chance to vent about my MIL

[Anonymous]

Ha!! NOT-YOUR-DECISION. Guilt ("is this what passes for family these days") should not be used, and hopefully doesn't work. And "how can I convince them" (insert any issue here) should not be in your vocabulary.

[Anonymous]

^^ you have the chance to have the kind of relationship with your children based on frank and honest communication of one's needs and wants. Accept that this is their time when their needs trump yours. It's so much better when others don't think they know what's best for someone else. That get's exhausting. Relating in this way could be a real gift -no quess-work. Trust that they mean well. But they are the ones calling the shots.