Is it wrong to tell a child they were a surprise/accident? What about unwanted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I didn't realize "child" would be interpreted as a young kid- that's not what I meant at all. I meant, would you tell your teen or adult child, not a young tot.

I guess it would depend on the context of the conversation. I think it would be okay to explain to a teen or adult that you did not want to get pregnant, that it was not what you'd planned for X reason or Y reason. I do not think it would be okay for any age group or in any context to tell a child that they were UNWANTED. Unexpected, unplanned, yes. Unwanted, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I'm a 'surprise' - at least from my Dad's perspective. (There's family lore about whether or not my mom may been somewhat disingenuous with regard her "unintended" pregnancy.) I've never felt anything but loved and wanted by both my parents though, so hearing I was unplanned was totally not a big deal - it's fun to be in on the joke. I think a kid's perspective on that would be totally different though if there was even a subtle undercurrent that their presence in this world was problematic for their parents or that there sibling were somehow more 'wanted'.

13:39 here. I think that OP would have an undercurrent that the 2nd child was less wanted if she told him/her that it was a surprise/accident. If there's not an obvious reason (teen pregnancy/parents married shortly before child born) for your child to question whether the pregnancy was planned, don't bring it up with your child because it will make your child feel less than 100% wanted. If your having problems in your marriage because you have a second child, definitely don't tell your child he/she was an accident because children tend to feel responsible for their parents' problems anyway and this will make it worse.

[Anonymous]

My parents really wanted and planned my older sister, and I was an Oops. I wish they hadn't told me that. They also have 10,000 baby pictures of her, and 3 of me. However, in all other ways they have treated us fairly and loved us equally. I wouldn't tell my kid that he/she was unplanned (unless I was 17 when the kid was born).

[Anonymous]

It never occurred to me to equate the fact that I was a "accident" with being unloved. But of course my mom didn't say I was unwanted after I was born. They do seem different. It seems to me you could spin this quite positively, "you were the best surprise of our lives".

[Anonymous]

OP, Im curious as to what the net gain for the DC#2 would be in having this information?

My mother did tell me I was unexpected, that she and my dad were using the rhythm method, and she would joke that there was a "one day" miscalculation that resulted in me. And that she was so glad to have me, that the whole idea of planning a child for the right time was probably silly as there is no such thing as the perfect time. She told me being a parent taught her to be less selfish(she was pretty damned unselfish, and my guess is she kinda was already like that before me!). She also told me that I should never feel like I have to have a child. That I could chose not to and that would be ok. But she would not want to ever have been without me, and, when she was dying of cancer she reiterated all this and let me know how horrible her situation be if she didnt have me.

So, in my case, there was never a sense that I was less valued because I was an accident. Rather, my takeaway was this unexpected event transformed her life, and that despite the challenges of parenting, I was a source of joy, and a friend a comfort to her in her last years of iife. She died at age 50. Miss her lots.

I've already told DD that she was planned (she was in that we stopped using birth control so I could get pregnant- still took a year!) and that we are both so glad we decided to have a child because we almost decided against it. I will also tell her about me, and waht my mother said to me.

The net gain to her would be the knowledge that children come into our lives a variety of ways, and that in both my case and hers, there was/is love in great abundance!

So, in my opinion, the motivation for telling her should be to point out that the roads to happy outcomes are delightfully varied.

[Anonymous]

My sister, who is 9 years older than me, had no issues telling me I was a mistake and a surprise. I don't think my parents ever said that, and I don't remember asking my parents if I was indeed a mistake, but I grew up just accepting the fact that my parents didn't mean to have me, and it never bothered me (My sibings are 9, 11, and 12 years older than me.)

I remember my first grade teacher asking about siblings and ages and I responded, "I'm the youngest. I was a mistake." And she laughed and said that was very funny.

[Anonymous]

I know I was unplanned. Hasn't affected me, I always felt loved

[Anonymous]

My mother was unmarried and I know I was a mistake. But she showed me only love my entire life. It makes me feel sad for people who make decisions about unwanted pregancies they regret later and what they missed out on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Im curious as to what the net gain for the DC#2 would be in having this information?

I've already told DD that she was planned (she was in that we stopped using birth control so I could get pregnant- still took a year!) and that we are both so glad we decided to have a child because we almost decided against it. I will also tell her about me, and waht my mother said to me.

The net gain to her would be the knowledge that children come into our lives a variety of ways, and that in both my case and hers, there was/is love in great abundance!

So, in my opinion, the motivation for telling her should be to point out that the roads to happy outcomes are delightfully varied.

OP here. This is a nice story, PP! In the same vein, the net gain could also be for DC #2 to know exactly what you yourself said- just because they were a surprise doesn't mean they aren't the love of my life, etc.

For the PPs who asked how would my child know? Well, let's just say we have unique circumstances that when people learn about our family, their first question is to ask if DC #2 was a surprise (yes, rude, but it happens). And when DC #2 is old enough to fully understand how DC #1 came about, it'll be quite obvious to them they were unplanned.

I'm asking b/c my mom is aghast that DC#2 would ever find out, but as I said, DH was a surprise (actually, as were his two brothers!) and he doesn't see the big deal at all. I was just wondering about such competing thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sometimes it's clear that a child is unplanned - teenage mother, mother in their 40s with several years between the last child and prior child. And the child will figure it out as he/she becomes an adult.

How many years between kids do you consider unplanned? Just out of curiosity, since we are just now about to try fertility treatments and our first will be at least 8 before a second is born. However, I'm not in my 40s, but my mid-30s.

Note that I said "mother in their 40s with several years..." not just "several years between kids".

My best friend from grade school was born when her mom was 41. She has 4 siblings. The sibling "immediately" older than her was 9 years older than her.

Great friend from college was born when her mom was 44. She has 3 siblings. The sibling "immediately" older than her is about 15 years older than her.

There wasn't a lot of fertility treatments going on in the 60s and 70s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first daughter was an accident/surprise/mistake/whatever.

She knows I had not planned to get pregnant at 17. It's not a big deal at all. I have never told her that when I found out I was pregnant all I thought was "Fuuuuuuuuck! I'm gonna look so lame in my prom dress now, this totally sucks!" I just told her that she was unexpected, I was surprised at the huge rush of love I felt as soon as I saw her, even all covered with gunk, and that I'm sorry I didn't know much about being a good mother when I was that young.

No need to tell your child they were initially unwanted.

awesome! my mom was 17 also and there was no need to tell me i was an accident. she did tell me that her older sisters (she's one of 8) urged her to abort. i still love my aunties even though i know this but damn i'm glad she didn't listen.

[Anonymous]

My mother told a friend while we were in the car. I must have been a young teenager. I was annoyed. There was no reason I would have figured it out.

My first was conceived either on our honeymoon or right before we were married. I do not plan to tell. Will just say that we wanted children right away.

[Anonymous]

My brother and I were both surprises. My parents were neck-deep in adoption proceedings for a yet to be born baby (this was the early 70s, a pregnant mother had been identified) when my mom found out I was on the way.

They'd been trying for years and told that there was no chance. They didnt go forward with the adoption, they felt they had been incredibly lucky and shouldn't be greedy. Several years later, my brother was another total fluke.

Surprises, flukes, etc. are totally different than unwanted, IMO. I'd never, ever say unwanted, even if it was true. I have no issue with surprise or oops, maybe because there was never a moment I doubted how much my parents loved me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Surprises, flukes, etc. are totally different than unwanted, IMO. I'd never, ever say unwanted, even if it was true. I have no issue with surprise or oops, maybe because there was never a moment I doubted how much my parents loved me.

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

awesome! my mom was 17 also and there was no need to tell me i was an accident. she did tell me that her older sisters (she's one of 8) urged her to abort. i still love my aunties even though i know this but damn i'm glad she didn't listen.

I don't think it makes your aunts monsters or anything, and it doesn't mean they don't love you. I think it is rare that an unexpected teenage pregnancy ISN'T immediately met with some questions as to what to do about it.