Is it wrong to tell a child they were a surprise/accident? What about unwanted?

[Anonymous]

I'm just curious. My 2nd child was a surprise, and initially, a very unwanted child. I've heard some people say that a child should never know they were an accident- but others say it's ok.

[Anonymous]

A surprise? I think that's okay. Unwanted? Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

My first daughter was an accident/surprise/mistake/whatever.

She knows I had not planned to get pregnant at 17. It's not a big deal at all. I have never told her that when I found out I was pregnant all I thought was "Fuuuuuuuuck! I'm gonna look so lame in my prom dress now, this totally sucks!" I just told her that she was unexpected, I was surprised at the huge rush of love I felt as soon as I saw her, even all covered with gunk, and that I'm sorry I didn't know much about being a good mother when I was that young.

No need to tell your child they were initially unwanted.

[Anonymous]

Um, as a child who was told she was an accident, don't tell him/her. If she/he asks, just say it was a pleasant surprise.

[Anonymous]

Unwanted? Are you serious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, as a child who was told she was an accident, don't tell him/her. If she/he asks, just say it was a pleasant surprise.

OP here. Can you elaborate why? My husband was a surprise and he doesn't think it was a big deal at all that he knows that.

Just to be clear- I'm not planning on telling DC #2 they were unwanted. Was just curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first daughter was an accident/surprise/mistake/whatever.

She knows I had not planned to get pregnant at 17. It's not a big deal at all. I have never told her that when I found out I was pregnant all I thought was "Fuuuuuuuuck! I'm gonna look so lame in my prom dress now, this totally sucks!" I just told her that she was unexpected, I was surprised at the huge rush of love I felt as soon as I saw her, even all covered with gunk, and that I'm sorry I didn't know much about being a good mother when I was that young.

No need to tell your child they were initially unwanted.

You sound REALLY awesome. I bet you are a great mom!

[Anonymous]

I cannot understand any good reason for a parent to say a child is unwanted.

Sometimes it's clear that a child is unplanned - teenage mother, mother in their 40s with several years between the last child and prior child. And the child will figure it out as he/she becomes an adult.

However, I cannot think of any good reason to sit a *child* down and say the words "you were unwanted."

[Anonymous]

"You were, a mistake, and, initially, a very unwanted child. However, over time, I have now come to tolerate you."

[Anonymous]

My MIL tells everyone that my DH was an accident. It's embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot understand any good reason for a parent to say a child is unwanted.

Sometimes it's clear that a child is unplanned - teenage mother, mother in their 40s with several years between the last child and prior child. And the child will figure it out as he/she becomes an adult.

However, I cannot think of any good reason to sit a *child* down and say the words "you were unwanted."

I'm the one who got pregnant at 17. My DD was either 7 or 8 when she found out she'd been unplanned from asking questions about our lives. It doesn't take being an adult to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sometimes it's clear that a child is unplanned - teenage mother, mother in their 40s with several years between the last child and prior child. And the child will figure it out as he/she becomes an adult.

How many years between kids do you consider unplanned? Just out of curiosity, since we are just now about to try fertility treatments and our first will be at least 8 before a second is born. However, I'm not in my 40s, but my mid-30s.

[Anonymous]

I know I'm a 'surprise' - at least from my Dad's perspective. (There's family lore about whether or not my mom may been somewhat disingenuous with regard her "unintended" pregnancy.) I've never felt anything but loved and wanted by both my parents though, so hearing I was unplanned was totally not a big deal - it's fun to be in on the joke. I think a kid's perspective on that would be totally different though if there was even a subtle undercurrent that their presence in this world was problematic for their parents or that there sibling were somehow more 'wanted'.

[Anonymous]

I do think a surprise is OK, but "unwanted" goes a bit too far.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I didn't realize "child" would be interpreted as a young kid- that's not what I meant at all. I meant, would you tell your teen or adult child, not a young tot.