Is it wrong to tell a child they were a surprise/accident? What about unwanted?

[Anonymous]

I think it's sort of weirdly narcissistic to assume we're all special wanted snowflakes. I've never had this conversation with either of my parents before they died. It wouldn't crush me to find out I was a "surprise."

I don't particularly care about my parent's intent when they had sex. That's gross to think about it. What matters is how they parented me after I was born.

[Anonymous]

Unwanted - keep to yourself.

Surprise or oops baby - fine

I was an oops baby. My parents planned to have a second child, just not so soon. I don't care at all. It fits their personalities well.

[Anonymous]

I was a surprise, and my mother considered abortion.

I actually think my mother wanted a child, but since at the time she was not married, my father was of a different ethnicity and her family was extremely conservative and dysfunctional, she was very confused and anxious at first about what she should do and how people would perceive her. She also had Multiple Sclerosis and worried how that might affect our life.

My mother adores me, by the way. Unfortunately she's emotional and not a great communicator. Sometimes I have been made to feel unwanted, when in actuality I know perfectly well she was happy being a mother.

My point is that it is not the fact you disclose this information - I believe every child should know as much about him or herself as possible, even the not so pleasant bits. It is HOW you disclose it that matters. Say it lovingly and with assurance. Say how happy this child has made you. Don't suddenly throw the "unwanted" info into the conversation in a fit of rage...

[Anonymous]

My mom told me when I was old enough to understand, that I was not only unwanted but that she tried to abort me and it didn't work. She got pregnant with me when my brother was 2 months old and she had figured out my dad was not a good provider, so she freaked out. My grandmother talked her out of it.

She told me out of ignorance I guess but as a result that I always tell my kids how much I wanted them even before I had them in my belly, so they never ever feel unwanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My first daughter was an accident/surprise/mistake/whatever.

She knows I had not planned to get pregnant at 17. It's not a big deal at all. I have never told her that when I found out I was pregnant all I thought was "Fuuuuuuuuck! I'm gonna look so lame in my prom dress now, this totally sucks!" I just told her that she was unexpected, I was surprised at the huge rush of love I felt as soon as I saw her, even all covered with gunk, and that I'm sorry I didn't know much about being a good mother when I was that young.

No need to tell your child they were initially unwanted.

awesome! my mom was 17 also and there was no need to tell me i was an accident. she did tell me that her older sisters (she's one of 8) urged her to abort. i still love my aunties even though i know this but damn i'm glad she didn't listen.

I think both of you sound like great people with a wonderful appreciation of life!!

[Anonymous]

My dad was an accident and was about to be aborted (illegally) but the doctor showed up late and my grandmother changed her mind. She loved to tell that story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first daughter was an accident/surprise/mistake/whatever.

She knows I had not planned to get pregnant at 17. It's not a big deal at all. I have never told her that when I found out I was pregnant all I thought was "Fuuuuuuuuck! I'm gonna look so lame in my prom dress now, this totally sucks!" I just told her that she was unexpected, I was surprised at the huge rush of love I felt as soon as I saw her, even all covered with gunk, and that I'm sorry I didn't know much about being a good mother when I was that young.

No need to tell your child they were initially unwanted.

You're one fabulous mom, and she's one blessed little girl to have you for her mom!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a surprise, and my mother considered abortion.

I actually think my mother wanted a child, but since at the time she was not married, my father was of a different ethnicity and her family was extremely conservative and dysfunctional, she was very confused and anxious at first about what she should do and how people would perceive her. She also had Multiple Sclerosis and worried how that might affect our life.

My mother adores me, by the way. Unfortunately she's emotional and not a great communicator. Sometimes I have been made to feel unwanted, when in actuality I know perfectly well she was happy being a mother.

My point is that it is not the fact you disclose this information - I believe every child should know as much about him or herself as possible, even the not so pleasant bits. It is HOW you disclose it that matters. Say it lovingly and with assurance. Say how happy this child has made you. Don't suddenly throw the "unwanted" info into the conversation in a fit of rage...

my sis once asked when she was like 8/9 what year did the world go to shit - not her exact words - and my dad said 1978. that was the year she was born. i still jokingly tell her that she's the reason the world has gone to shit.

[Anonymous]

We tell people baby was "planned at the very last minute." Is that TMI?

[Anonymous]

My mother let me know I was an "accident," as she put it. The belief was that my father was infertile. I would never have realized I was unplanned, since my mother wasn't yet 30 and was married to my father when she conceived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and I were both surprises. My parents were neck-deep in adoption proceedings for a yet to be born baby (this was the early 70s, a pregnant mother had been identified) when my mom found out I was on the way.

They'd been trying for years and told that there was no chance. They didnt go forward with the adoption, they felt they had been incredibly lucky and shouldn't be greedy. Several years later, my brother was another total fluke.

Surprises, flukes, etc. are totally different than unwanted, IMO. I'd never, ever say unwanted, even if it was true. I have no issue with surprise or oops, maybe because there was never a moment I doubted how much my parents loved me.

Pretty much my story, except it was the late 70s before they threw in the towel after nearly 12 years and finally believed they could never have biological children. They desperately wanted children and were pursuing whatever means they could to make that happen. My mom says I was certainly the surprise of a lifetime since doctors had told her at 18 she would likely never bear children.

[Anonymous]

Every child wants to think that their parents wanted them. Please do not tell a child that he/she was unplanned or unwanted. My parents did that to me and my siblings and it really sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every child wants to think that their parents wanted them. Please do not tell a child that he/she was unplanned or unwanted. My parents did that to me and my siblings and it really sucked.

there are gentle ways to say unplanned. Unwanted is a whole different animal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents really wanted and planned my older sister, and I was an Oops. I wish they hadn't told me that. They also have 10,000 baby pictures of her, and 3 of me. However, in all other ways they have treated us fairly and loved us equally. I wouldn't tell my kid that he/she was unplanned (unless I was 17 when the kid was born).

DC1 was a total oops, DC2 very much planned. We have literally thousands of photos of DC1 and maybe 100 of DC2. When you only have one child, it's a lot easier to reach for the camera. Two children takes everything I've got. Recording the experience photographically is just not going to happen! IOW, don't read too much into it. I think most families have far, far more photos of their first child than any subsequent ones.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the consequences of separating sex and procreation.

There should not even be a concept of "oops," or "mistakes," or "accidents." The idea should be that if you have sex, you might have a child.

Humanae Vitae spoke the truth.