Help Me Learn How to Not Come Off As Abrasive

[Anonymous]

I feel like we now live in an age where no one who is "abrasive" is appreciated, male or female.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my husband. Quite warm and caring but frequently comes off as abrasive to new ppl or ppl he perceives as being less efficient or competent.

Everyone thinks that I'm the nice one but those close to us will tell you that I'm kind of wicked.

Anyhow, to answer your question: Smile. Soften your language and tone, especially when you give criticisms. Sandwich criticisms with compliments. Smile some more. Pretend to care about whatever the staff person cares about. Act interested in his/her family. Have your secretary note birthdays on your calendar so that you remember to wish them a good day or provide a card of some sort. This little tricks work every time.

I agree with this I have been called abrasive also (at times) Usually when I am in a hurry or under pressure. People really appreciate those little gestures. Pretend to care really works...after some time maybe you will care a little (or not)

[Anonymous]

For the women who are abrasive and/or are saying don't change, I have a question:

Does this apply to black women?

IME, black women who are surly/abrasive are given the dreaded "angry black woman" title? How do you think this differs from your personality?

I'm genuinely curious in how these two things are viewed differently, based on race.

[Anonymous]

This is very interesting to me, as I am currently dating someone who is abrasive and considering dumping him for it. He claims he doesn't think his behavior is rude. Anyway, I think a lot of it is tone of voice. Try to speak in a pleasant tone. Don't snap. Smile. Make eye contact. Say please and thank you. When criticizing, try to couch it - "you did a great job on xyz project, so if you could, please make this one as high quality as that one."
I also wonder if it is cultural. Are you from NYC or Boston etc?

[Anonymous]

12:27 has the best advice.

I was this way and I took a communication class and there was a section on how to be assertive instead of aggressive.

It's a good thing to read about - google - assertive vs. agressive.

Also, read about "You" vs. "I" statements (this will help if you are married also)

Here is the difference:
You need to have the report on my desk by 4pm.
I have to turn the report in by 5pm so I will need it by 4pm so I can review it.

In addition, there is something about wanting to be "right". If you are trying to prove your point in a meeting - or trying to prove you are "right" you can come off as "self-righteous".

You should be able to voice your opinion and listen to other peoples opinions and see there is some value in both.

But, if you spend the whole meeting trying to prove the other opinion or way of doing something is "wrong" to ensure your opinion is "right" - that is being "self-righteous". Somebody does not have to be wrong for you to be right.

When I was in my 20's I could not do this nor did I see the value. Now I do it and I see the value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the women who are abrasive and/or are saying don't change, I have a question:

Does this apply to black women?

IME, black women who are surly/abrasive are given the dreaded "angry black woman" title? How do you think this differs from your personality?

I'm genuinely curious in how these two things are viewed differently, based on race.

I am not a black woman, but I am a South-Asian woman. Whenever I speak up about anything to certain members of my family and community, assert my opinion or belief, I get called "angry." Culturally, women in South Asian communities are expected to be passive and not very assertive. It's amazing how much culture alters "acceptable" or "normal" behavior for women. Depending on the communities and cultures I engage with, I'm called strong, vocal, assertive, confident, and determined - or angry, abrasive, disruptive, aggressive, or negative. At the same time, nothing about me changes - I am who I am, as I am, just being myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my husband. Quite warm and caring but frequently comes off as abrasive to new ppl or ppl he perceives as being less efficient or competent.

Everyone thinks that I'm the nice one but those close to us will tell you that I'm kind of wicked.

Anyhow, to answer your question: Smile. Soften your language and tone, especially when you give criticisms. Sandwich criticisms with compliments. Smile some more. Pretend to care about whatever the staff person cares about. Act interested in his/her family. Have your secretary note birthdays on your calendar so that you remember to wish them a good day or provide a card of some sort. This little tricks work every time.

If you overdo this, people also can perceive you to be brown nosing, or someone, who is either sleazy or trying too hard. I personally don't trust overly friendly people, or those who always have the widest smile every single time about everything and try to smooth things over. In my experience such people tend to be snakes behind your back, have secret agenda, and almost always if confronted in some way or contradicted turn the ugly face towards you. I think remembering the birthdays of all your coworkers is weird, unless you have a very small and very tight group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I did to soften my abrasive image.

1. Talk to people. Smile and say hello or good morning before I launch into what I need. If you walk up to anyone, but especially a secretary or someone in a clerical position or otherwise a support position, and overhear them sharing good news -- a birthday, a new baby, someone getting married -- engage them. "I couldn't help overhear. Did your daughter have a baby? Wow! Congratulations! I love babies." Know "your" people and ask about them. Express your joy for them. If you are told someone is out of work because of a death in their family when you see them next tell them privately I heard that you experienced a loss in your family. I am so sorry to hear of it. I genuinely care about new babies, graduations, weddings, etc for "my" people. If you care about flexible schedules -- go to bat for it for yourself and others. If you want your organization to do more outreach ask people for their help -- Mary Ellen, I know you live in Maryland. I live in Virginia so I am a bit behind the 8 ball as it is. I want to propose that our department collect school supplies for a school with kids whose families maybe can't afford all their supplies. The big boss lives in Potomac -- they don't need our help -- but I thought if I proposed this project in MD she might be more on board with me. Can I take you to lunch an pick your brain about some MD elementary schools?

2. Use your abrasive side to your advantage. When my former boss tried to come down on the support staff over some dumb issue, I blasted him publicly and in front of them. He was the kind of guy that only listens to you if you are more abrasive than him. He actually thanked me for preventing him from causing a big rift and the support staff practically built an altar to me. So find ways that you can make it work for you.

3. Go to lunch. Go out of the office and sit somewhere with a mixed group of people. Eat lunch together and talk about not work. It is amazing how this really helps.

4. Really, as much as it sucks, smile. Practice smiling.

Great advice - but the comment on smiling is ambiguous. Smiling is easy and it's a non - verbal way of saying I know you, I like you and Im glad to see you. It's like non- verbal flattery. Not everyone feels comfortable smiling, so just fake it till you make it. It will take a few weeks, but you'll be rewarded for your efforts. Some people are embarrassed about their teeth so they don't smile very often. Invest the money have them whitened or capped. It's not vain to invest in yourself. Everyone has had a little something done. In some cultures smiling is frowned upon and interpreted and a sign of weakness. In this country a welcoming smile is a sign of friendship on the surface, but subconsciously it is interpreted as a sign self-confidence and strength.

Invest in a great smile. A great smile can soften the brusk exteriors of others and they can begin to pry open doors which otherwise may be closed without ever having to say a word.

[Anonymous]

Abrasive isn't pretty in anyone, male or female.

Op, I would ask your friends. Chances are they have seen that side of you but don't really care or feel the need to say anything. Ask for honest feedback from them.

[Anonymous]

Are you my colleague? The issue is not your content, it's your tone. No matter what you say, when you say it, it always comes across as defensive, and frankly, rude. It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

I've been told I have this problem too, and I actually got specific feedback that (I think) has helped me improve. My boss said to me "when you don't like someone, or don't find what is being said interesting or smart, you make it really obvious. You need to remember that you say something with every move you make, and that everyone deserves a fair hearing and respect just because they are people." That rang a bell for me. It is a struggle for me to fake interest where none exists, but you have to remember that there are actual people behind most nonsense, so even if you don't agree, it's worth it to stay polite and respectful.

[Anonymous]

I went to U chicago for Sociology, so this is a pretty dorky response... but this book by Sociologist Irving Goffman is really interesting and can teach you a lot about interactions. http://amzn.to/10Gt7MH Maybe learning more about them could give you a way to improve how you are seen by others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were a man you'd probably been seen as tough, confident and a leader. Only women have to get along. Signed, another woman who doesn't come off well because she usually speaks her mind and doesn't have time for chit-chat.

Very well said. As a female I am " abrasive" but the male co-workers are much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were a man you'd probably been seen as tough, confident and a leader. Only women have to get along. Signed, another woman who doesn't come off well because she usually speaks her mind and doesn't have time for chit-chat.

Very well said. As a female I am " abrasive" but the male co-workers are much worse.

I always wonder how this happens. How did you revive a barely 2 page thread from 2013???!!!

[Anonymous]

When I’m in meetings with higher ups, I study their soft skills to help myself figure this out. It’s helped a lot as I’ve noted higher up the chain and into more outward facing roles. Things I now try to make a point to do:

- make small talk with staff across the organization, as a PP laid out well. Go to happy hours and drop in on lunch room conversations.

- Keep an awareness of the people I have strained relationships with and try to build some good will. For example, I have a coworker whose opinion I know I’ll often be pushing back on. I don’t hold myself back from doing so, but i proactively reach out to that person for their opinion on other things, even though I really don’t want to deal with them, as doing so makes them feel I am not totally dismissive of all their ideas and still value their contributions even if we sometimes disagree.

- Acknowledge And thank others often.

- Decide what to dig in on. Lately I’ve been using language along the lines of “I feel strongly about this for X and Y reasons. Here’s the solution I’ve come up with - what do you think?’ Presenting disagreement that way is much more effective, and often leads to better, unexpected outcomes than just going in saying “I’ve been through this 10 times. We just need to do Z!”