Help Me Learn How to Not Come Off As Abrasive

[Anonymous]

Talk less, talk quieter, listen more, be more humble and accepting of all kinds of people. Use manners.

[Anonymous]

I tried to help a friend with this and had her practice conversations with me as she didn't at all get how argumentative and angry she came across. I was like, slow down, bring down the volume, choose your words carefully. Patience and tone. Work on those.

[Anonymous]

I will say, that as a woman, I only find that other women have an issue with people being surly or whatever. Men seem to just take in the info and move on, they don't care how it is delivered. Women get in their feelings because it wasn't said nicely.

[Anonymous]

Sex change and viola assertive!

But since this is the world we live in... google how to be assertive instead of aggressive.

Also read how to make friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie.

[Anonymous]

tender tones

[Anonymous]

I have had to tell people when they are too abrasive, not assertive, not professional, lazy... and I give examples.

I hope you got examples you remember and can use to correct what is coming off so wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I’m in meetings with higher ups, I study their soft skills to help myself figure this out. It’s helped a lot as I’ve noted higher up the chain and into more outward facing roles. Things I now try to make a point to do:

- make small talk with staff across the organization, as a PP laid out well. Go to happy hours and drop in on lunch room conversations.

- Keep an awareness of the people I have strained relationships with and try to build some good will. For example, I have a coworker whose opinion I know I’ll often be pushing back on. I don’t hold myself back from doing so, but i proactively reach out to that person for their opinion on other things, even though I really don’t want to deal with them, as doing so makes them feel I am not totally dismissive of all their ideas and still value their contributions even if we sometimes disagree.

- Acknowledge And thank others often.

- Decide what to dig in on. Lately I’ve been using language along the lines of “I feel strongly about this for X and Y reasons. Here’s the solution I’ve come up with - what do you think?’ Presenting disagreement that way is much more effective, and often leads to better, unexpected outcomes than just going in saying “I’ve been through this 10 times. We just need to do Z!”

This is great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were a man you'd probably been seen as tough, confident and a leader. Only women have to get along. Signed, another woman who doesn't come off well because she usually speaks her mind and doesn't have time for chit-chat.

+1,000,000

That abrasive, agressive label for those of us with two legs instead of three is annoying as heck. I feel for you OP but I also applaud your attempt to make it right. I'm too old and surly to give a rat's arse but I'm also quite good at what I do and I am well respected at work. I have super high standards so the people who are working as hard or harder understand and don't judge; the lazy people are the ones who have an issue because I'm constantly pushing them to raise the quality of their work. It helps that I work with all men. I love it.

Oooh, this exactly. The smart competent people like me just fine. I’ve been told I need to change my style because I intimidated a new hire because I was so smart and picked things up so fast it made him feel inferior. Wtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I did to soften my abrasive image.

1. Talk to people. Smile and say hello or good morning before I launch into what I need. If you walk up to anyone, but especially a secretary or someone in a clerical position or otherwise a support position, and overhear them sharing good news -- a birthday, a new baby, someone getting married -- engage them. "I couldn't help overhear. Did your daughter have a baby? Wow! Congratulations! I love babies." Know "your" people and ask about them. Express your joy for them. If you are told someone is out of work because of a death in their family when you see them next tell them privately I heard that you experienced a loss in your family. I am so sorry to hear of it. I genuinely care about new babies, graduations, weddings, etc for "my" people. If you care about flexible schedules -- go to bat for it for yourself and others. If you want your organization to do more outreach ask people for their help -- Mary Ellen, I know you live in Maryland. I live in Virginia so I am a bit behind the 8 ball as it is. I want to propose that our department collect school supplies for a school with kids whose families maybe can't afford all their supplies. The big boss lives in Potomac -- they don't need our help -- but I thought if I proposed this project in MD she might be more on board with me. Can I take you to lunch an pick your brain about some MD elementary schools?

2. Use your abrasive side to your advantage. When my former boss tried to come down on the support staff over some dumb issue, I blasted him publicly and in front of them. He was the kind of guy that only listens to you if you are more abrasive than him. He actually thanked me for preventing him from causing a big rift and the support staff practically built an altar to me. So find ways that you can make it work for you.

3. Go to lunch. Go out of the office and sit somewhere with a mixed group of people. Eat lunch together and talk about not work. It is amazing how this really helps.

4. Really, as much as it sucks, smile. Practice smiling.

As a childfree by choice woman, I can't help but feel resentful of this expectation that I am supposed to care about some random baby being born. No offense to the PP but it comes across as disingenous...like why do you care so much? A lot of what PP proposes is really just more emotional labor for women at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I relate to this - very good social skills but am prone to abrasiveness at work - I just don't suffer fools very well. I've gotten a lot better about it, but it still flares now and then. For me the key is patience, patience with others. Work is not a church social, but I have to remind myself others may not feel the same way.

Being abrasive at work means your social skills are lacking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I did to soften my abrasive image.

1. Talk to people. Smile and say hello or good morning before I launch into what I need. If you walk up to anyone, but especially a secretary or someone in a clerical position or otherwise a support position, and overhear them sharing good news -- a birthday, a new baby, someone getting married -- engage them. "I couldn't help overhear. Did your daughter have a baby? Wow! Congratulations! I love babies." Know "your" people and ask about them. Express your joy for them. If you are told someone is out of work because of a death in their family when you see them next tell them privately I heard that you experienced a loss in your family. I am so sorry to hear of it. I genuinely care about new babies, graduations, weddings, etc for "my" people. If you care about flexible schedules -- go to bat for it for yourself and others. If you want your organization to do more outreach ask people for their help -- Mary Ellen, I know you live in Maryland. I live in Virginia so I am a bit behind the 8 ball as it is. I want to propose that our department collect school supplies for a school with kids whose families maybe can't afford all their supplies. The big boss lives in Potomac -- they don't need our help -- but I thought if I proposed this project in MD she might be more on board with me. Can I take you to lunch an pick your brain about some MD elementary schools?

2. Use your abrasive side to your advantage. When my former boss tried to come down on the support staff over some dumb issue, I blasted him publicly and in front of them. He was the kind of guy that only listens to you if you are more abrasive than him. He actually thanked me for preventing him from causing a big rift and the support staff practically built an altar to me. So find ways that you can make it work for you.

3. Go to lunch. Go out of the office and sit somewhere with a mixed group of people. Eat lunch together and talk about not work. It is amazing how this really helps.

4. Really, as much as it sucks, smile. Practice smiling.

Great advice - but the comment on smiling is ambiguous. Smiling is easy and it's a non - verbal way of saying I know you, I like you and Im glad to see you. It's like non- verbal flattery. Not everyone feels comfortable smiling, so just fake it till you make it. It will take a few weeks, but you'll be rewarded for your efforts. Some people are embarrassed about their teeth so they don't smile very often. Invest the money have them whitened or capped. It's not vain to invest in yourself. Everyone has had a little something done. In some cultures smiling is frowned upon and interpreted and a sign of weakness. In this country a welcoming smile is a sign of friendship on the surface, but subconsciously it is interpreted as a sign self-confidence and strength.

Invest in a great smile. A great smile can soften the [b]brusk[i] exteriors of others and they can begin to pry open doors which otherwise may be closed without ever having to say a word.

brusque

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to this - very good social skills but am prone to abrasiveness at work - I just don't suffer fools very well. I've gotten a lot better about it, but it still flares now and then. For me the key is patience, patience with others. Work is not a church social, but I have to remind myself others may not feel the same way.

Being abrasive at work means your social skills are lacking.

Or you are just a grouch. Some people have a thin skin and get offended over everything, so that might be what is going on. Or it could be real, who knows?

Anyway, some nerd resurrected this thread from 2013!!! Why???

[Anonymous]

I think I have a touch of this because I am direct and honest.

I know I should work on listening more, not interrupting and not giving unsought advice. Perhaps offering options as suggestions rather than corrections or the presumed “right answer.” Be more humble/open? But no reason to act meek or self-effacing).

I agree this line can be very hard for women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were a man you'd probably been seen as tough, confident and a leader. Only women have to get along. Signed, another woman who doesn't come off well because she usually speaks her mind and doesn't have time for chit-chat.

I wish that were the case but my Black DH would be labeled angry and abrasive for the same thing that would be called “passionate” for other people.

[Anonymous]

Try being less critical. I work with a woman who is abrasive. She also thinks she can do no wrong, finds others lacking and not competent, and is incredibly impatient. We all see that she embodies incompetence, we have just chosen to not be critical of her all the time.