Help Me Learn How to Not Come Off As Abrasive

[Anonymous]

I had a meeting with my boss and wounded up having a really good conversation about what I wanted to do in my current position and how I could grow etc. Without giving away too many details, my boss (it came from a good place) said he has concerns that I sometimes come off as abrasive.

I don’t doubt this. I was once called surly (which I took to mean as burley which is entirely different, ha!) so I believe there is some truth to this.

The issues is – I don’t know how to fix it. I do consider myself a nice person – warm and friendly. I have a large network of friends and I believe they would be shocked to hear this. I think I come off as abrasive in work settings and professional situations. But I don’t think I am aware of it.

Is there any advice for how I can try and rectify this? I want to be successful in my career and if this is holding me back, I need to figure out how to fix it.

[Anonymous]

I relate to this - very good social skills but am prone to abrasiveness at work - I just don't suffer fools very well. I've gotten a lot better about it, but it still flares now and then. For me the key is patience, patience with others. Work is not a church social, but I have to remind myself others may not feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Can you ask your boss for more specifics--is it an in-person issue, an email issue, issue with specific types of interactions? It's hard to recommend how to fix it if you don't know the details about when you're coming off that way.

FWIW the coworkers I'd call "abrasive" are those who never take time to ever make small talk or thank me for my work. Also I tend to have worse relationships with those with whom I communicate almost entirely by email. Talking in person or on the phone can really help because you can't leave off social "niceties."

[Anonymous]

Ask for examples- let him know you aren't challenging him, just wanting examples so you can reflect more on your behaviour.

Thanks for wanting to change this. I work with a lot of people without social grace that I find abrasive and I wish they wanted to (or could) change.

[Anonymous]

You sound like my husband. Quite warm and caring but frequently comes off as abrasive to new ppl or ppl he perceives as being less efficient or competent.

Everyone thinks that I'm the nice one but those close to us will tell you that I'm kind of wicked.

Anyhow, to answer your question: Smile. Soften your language and tone, especially when you give criticisms. Sandwich criticisms with compliments. Smile some more. Pretend to care about whatever the staff person cares about. Act interested in his/her family. Have your secretary note birthdays on your calendar so that you remember to wish them a good day or provide a card of some sort. This little tricks work every time.

[Anonymous]

Be glad you're not labeled as "angry" anytime you show any hint of discomfort, displeasure, etc. It gets really old.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the smile poster. Also, occasionally you should pretend the coworkers are people you are trying to set up to ask a favor, and that may soften your speech

[Anonymous]

If you were a man you'd probably been seen as tough, confident and a leader. Only women have to get along. Signed, another woman who doesn't come off well because she usually speaks her mind and doesn't have time for chit-chat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were a man you'd probably been seen as tough, confident and a leader. Only women have to get along. Signed, another woman who doesn't come off well because she usually speaks her mind and doesn't have time for chit-chat.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were a man you'd probably been seen as tough, confident and a leader. Only women have to get along. Signed, another woman who doesn't come off well because she usually speaks her mind and doesn't have time for chit-chat.

+1,000,000

That abrasive, agressive label for those of us with two legs instead of three is annoying as heck. I feel for you OP but I also applaud your attempt to make it right. I'm too old and surly to give a rat's arse but I'm also quite good at what I do and I am well respected at work. I have super high standards so the people who are working as hard or harder understand and don't judge; the lazy people are the ones who have an issue because I'm constantly pushing them to raise the quality of their work. It helps that I work with all men. I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were a man you'd probably been seen as tough, confident and a leader. Only women have to get along. Signed, another woman who doesn't come off well because she usually speaks her mind and doesn't have time for chit-chat.

+1

+2

Learn to embrace it. Just do a kick ass job and don't try to win any popularity contests.

[Anonymous]

Some men are also seen as jerks and abrasive too.
Sometimes, it is knowing the tone of the work culture, and how people operate in your place. My manager has a tone that sounds to my ear like a low whine, very annoying. Yet, this is now the prevailing manner of speaking for the female leadership of our organization! Imagine if the head of the company spoke like a valley girl and soon that was the tone for everyone to follow?
I like the advice about finding non verbal signals like nodding and smiling to soften the perceptions. You are sending the message twice when you do that. Best to you...

[Anonymous]

Here is what I did to soften my abrasive image.

1. Talk to people. Smile and say hello or good morning before I launch into what I need. If you walk up to anyone, but especially a secretary or someone in a clerical position or otherwise a support position, and overhear them sharing good news -- a birthday, a new baby, someone getting married -- engage them. "I couldn't help overhear. Did your daughter have a baby? Wow! Congratulations! I love babies." Know "your" people and ask about them. Express your joy for them. If you are told someone is out of work because of a death in their family when you see them next tell them privately I heard that you experienced a loss in your family. I am so sorry to hear of it. I genuinely care about new babies, graduations, weddings, etc for "my" people. If you care about flexible schedules -- go to bat for it for yourself and others. If you want your organization to do more outreach ask people for their help -- Mary Ellen, I know you live in Maryland. I live in Virginia so I am a bit behind the 8 ball as it is. I want to propose that our department collect school supplies for a school with kids whose families maybe can't afford all their supplies. The big boss lives in Potomac -- they don't need our help -- but I thought if I proposed this project in MD she might be more on board with me. Can I take you to lunch an pick your brain about some MD elementary schools?

2. Use your abrasive side to your advantage. When my former boss tried to come down on the support staff over some dumb issue, I blasted him publicly and in front of them. He was the kind of guy that only listens to you if you are more abrasive than him. He actually thanked me for preventing him from causing a big rift and the support staff practically built an altar to me. So find ways that you can make it work for you.

3. Go to lunch. Go out of the office and sit somewhere with a mixed group of people. Eat lunch together and talk about not work. It is amazing how this really helps.

4. Really, as much as it sucks, smile. Practice smiling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were a man you'd probably been seen as tough, confident and a leader. Only women have to get along. Signed, another woman who doesn't come off well because she usually speaks her mind and doesn't have time for chit-chat.

+1,000,000

That abrasive, agressive label for those of us with two legs instead of three is annoying as heck. I feel for you OP but I also applaud your attempt to make it right. I'm too old and surly to give a rat's arse but I'm also quite good at what I do and I am well respected at work. I have super high standards so the people who are working as hard or harder understand and don't judge; the lazy people are the ones who have an issue because I'm constantly pushing them to raise the quality of their work. It helps that I work with all men. I love it.

+1 No wonder I work better with men! Signed, another demanding female

[Anonymous]

12:27, nice advice. Words to live by...