How do I salvage respect?

[Anonymous]

OP again. I can't just throw him out unless I'm willing to pay child support/alimony since he's unemployed.

[Anonymous]

He's not ideal; but his level of effort sounds comparable to that of plenty of stay-at-home moms. Anyway, I'd say at least take the kids out of daycare until he decides he wants to work outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are already in counseling. He doesnt want to help around the house because I don't show enough gratitude for the things he does do (daycare pickups, grocery shopping, taking out trash). He says no matter what he does I am not satisfied. I do think part of the problem is that I don't respect him because he spends all his time on Reddit or TV, unless he is helping me with DD or something I asked him to do. But he does't do things of his own accord. I picked the wrong person but now this is what I'm working with so tryjng to figure out how to improve things.

I respect your willingness to work on it even though he's not ideal.

I can see he might have emotional baggage about appreciation and chores. Not saying I agree with it, but I can see it. But what's his excuse for not finding work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I can't just throw him out unless I'm willing to pay child support/alimony since he's unemployed.

Are you sure this would be the outcome? Alimony is rare, and even when awarded it's temporary. And you could get primary physical custody. If separation or divorce feels like a possible solution for you, it might be worth consulting with an attorney.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I am stunned. First off, I feel a lot better about myself as a husband and father-I am printing this all out for DW to read later! OP, honestly, you hit the nail on the head - your husband does sound like a loser. I don't know if he is depressed, or what. I don't know his level of education. I don't know what you do, or how much you make, and how much you spend as a family. I would personally pay to get someone like that out of my life-he sounds like more work than your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am stunned. First off, I feel a lot better about myself as a husband and father-I am printing this all out for DW to read later! OP, honestly, you hit the nail on the head - your husband does sound like a loser. I don't know if he is depressed, or what. I don't know his level of education. I don't know what you do, or how much you make, and how much you spend as a family. I would personally pay to get someone like that out of my life-he sounds like more work than your daughter.

Hi (OP here). Interesting to hear your perspective. Why does this make you feel better? What would you expect of yourself and what does your DW expect/ask for? I make barely $100k as a financial auditor. We don't spend what we don't have but as a result are not saving much and living in a house that is in need of a ton of work. He did not finish college but has a lot of experience as a systems engineer for software companies and the like. I believe he is employable. Yes, he is much more work for me than my daughter, he is my main source of stress. He is on all sorts of meds for anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not ideal; but his level of effort sounds comparable to that of plenty of stay-at-home moms. Anyway, I'd say at least take the kids out of daycare until he decides he wants to work outside the home.

Wow, really? I always though SAH moms did a little more than shuttle kids to/from school and do grocery shopping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are already in counseling. He doesnt want to help around the house because I don't show enough gratitude for the things he does do (daycare pickups, grocery shopping, taking out trash). He says no matter what he does I am not satisfied. I do think part of the problem is that I don't respect him because he spends all his time on Reddit or TV, unless he is helping me with DD or something I asked him to do. But he does't do things of his own accord. I picked the wrong person but now this is what I'm working with so tryjng to figure out how to improve things.

When we were a 2 working parent family, those things still had to get done. They did.

I understand that people have issues with feeling appreciated, but honestly, demanding appreciation for things that you should be doing just in the course of being a responsible partner and parent is a bit beyond the pale. Does he express appreciation for the things that you do around the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are already in counseling. He doesnt want to help around the house because I don't show enough gratitude for the things he does do (daycare pickups, grocery shopping, taking out trash). He says no matter what he does I am not satisfied. I do think part of the problem is that I don't respect him because he spends all his time on Reddit or TV, unless he is helping me with DD or something I asked him to do. But he does't do things of his own accord. I picked the wrong person but now this is what I'm working with so tryjng to figure out how to improve things.

When we were a 2 working parent family, those things still had to get done. They did.

I understand that people have issues with feeling appreciated, but honestly, demanding appreciation for things that you should be doing just in the course of being a responsible partner and parent is a bit beyond the pale. Does he express appreciation for the things that you do around the house?

Daycare dropoff/pickup - max of 45 min/day for 5 days a week (and that's if you don't live super close to daycare).
Grocery shopping - max of 2 hours a few days a week (that includes stopping at multiple places if you can't get everything in one place).
Taking out trash - max of 5 min/day

So that means he is currently "working" 8 hours and 20 minutes a week. And that's being generous - counting activities that most people do on TOP of their FT job.

Sorry - I definitely think people should work on marriages but I don't think I could put up with this. I get annoyed with my DH's level of effort sometimes and he works FT (50-55 hrs/week), takes out the trash, goes grocery shopping, cooks on weekends and helps out occasionally with the bedtime routine (bathing, reading).

[Anonymous]

OP, don't mean to be a downer, but I think you are trying to salvage something that's unsalvageable. Absent depression, etc. (which sounds like a possiblity), or willingness on the part of your husband to address these issues (counseling, individual therapy, etc.), this situation is unsustainable. It's either cut ties now, or after DH grinds you into the ground for another year or more. Why are you trying to save this (or him) - at least, while there appears to be no effort from him to remedy your circumstances?

Also, the courts do not grant alimony to those who are voluntarily unemployed. Unless your husband is truly unemployable (and nothing about 9-months of sitting around without looking for a job proves that), he's not going to get alimony, or at the least, it would be on a very temporary basis.

[Anonymous]

I totally appreciate the honest thoughts. I am trying to figure out if I'm as ungrateful as he describes or if he is sort of a loser.

My husband says he is doing many other things and I just don't see what they are and that if I am that blind it shouldn't be his job to account for every minute of his day. It's a catch 22. If I ask him to tell me what he does with his time he feels disrespected, if I don't know what he does with his time or don't see much productivity, I start to think he's a bum, we spiral down.

[Anonymous]

He is a loser, sorry.

Unemployed 4 out of 8 years. He's a SAHD. At the very least he should take care of the household.

Get him in counseling, and give him an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am stunned. First off, I feel a lot better about myself as a husband and father-I am printing this all out for DW to read later! OP, honestly, you hit the nail on the head - your husband does sound like a loser. I don't know if he is depressed, or what. I don't know his level of education. I don't know what you do, or how much you make, and how much you spend as a family. I would personally pay to get someone like that out of my life-he sounds like more work than your daughter.

Hi (OP here). Interesting to hear your perspective. Why does this make you feel better? What would you expect of yourself and what does your DW expect/ask for? I make barely $100k as a financial auditor. We don't spend what we don't have but as a result are not saving much and living in a house that is in need of a ton of work. He did not finish college but has a lot of experience as a systems engineer for software companies and the like. I believe he is employable. Yes, he is much more work for me than my daughter, he is my main source of stress. He is on all sorts of meds for anxiety.

I was the stunned poster. My comments didn't intend to hurt you, or make me feel better. What do we expect of each other? To put our respective oars in the water and pull! We each contribute, in similar and different ways. Your husband's employment record is a red flag. His lack of willingness to help out, or actively search, while now out of work, is past the red flag stage. Maybe he has too many meds? I would kick his ass into the middle of next week if I were you. He needs a dose of reality. You want respect? Give him a punch list of stuff to do, starting tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is a loser, sorry.

Unemployed 4 out of 8 years. He's a SAHD. At the very least he should take care of the household.

Get him in counseling, and give him an ultimatum.

+1 (and I'm a guy)

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP, I don't know if you made a bad choice or your previously good choice has deteriorated into a loser. My DH suffers from anxiety/depression and I can totally sympathize. I've posted before on this forum about getting to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore. My DH used to be able to control his depression with medication (it was a long road getting to that point) but when there were some death/illness issues with my ILs, he spiraled into an uncontrolled depression that lasted a couple of years. He refused to seek an adjustment ot his medication that would help him out of the depression. We were doing joint counseling and I was individual counseling. I was so tired and worn out. I finally got to the point that I had no hope things were going to get better. I couldn't control or change him. All I could do was make choices that were best for me and our kids. I decided that continuing to live with my DH was not healthly for me or for our kids. It was a very 'freeing' moment. I had struggled so hard for so long to make it work but when I finally gave up, all I felt was relief.

I'm afraid that's the direction you're headed - and it's not a bad thing. You really need to stop thinking about your husband and what's best for you (and your kids if you have them). The current environemtn isn't acceptable and you deserve better. If your husband won't do what's needed to improve things then you need to make some changes.


(BTW - you know that depression can be 'caught', right? Living with a depressed person signficantlly increases your changes of becoming depressed)