How do I salvage respect?
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Anonymous
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My husband has been unemployed 10 months and has not sent out a single resume. I don't know what he does with his days other than do daycare pickup/drop-off and grocery shopping. This is a sensitive topic so I avoid talking about it as we fight enough as it is. I know job hunting is hell, but I also feel like he should have at least applied to something by now. I also feel like he should do more around the house - yard work, dishes, laundry, cooking, since he's home all day. But he resists doing that because he says I don't respect his time.
He's been unemployed 4 out of the 8 years we've been married. If I'm perfectly honest I think he's a loser but I don't want to feel this way because I want our marriage to work for the sake of my child. We are in counseling already. |
Anonymous
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What does he mean by you don't respect his time?
He needs to treat a job search like a full time job, or close to it. Make a goal of sending out 20 resumes a week (or whatever). Get additional job training if necessary. If he's not willing to do that, then yes, he needs to act like a SAHD and do some heavy lifting on house chores when the kids are in school/daycare. He doesn't have to be perfect at either choice. Nobody is. But he needs to be actively engaged in doing something. Is he depressed? If not, there really isn't a good reason for doing nothing. Now, how to get him there. I had a live in boyfriend like that. Did the bare minimum and whined like hell if I asked for more. I was even paying his cell phone because he was transitioning back to full time college. If you treat them like kids, they act like kids. You seem to be doing everything for him. He has no motivation to do anything. You really need to find out what he's doing all day. Stop by for lunch unecpectly or something. Personally I'd start a discussion about family finances. About possibly cutting daycare to save money. Cable. Cell phones. Who's buying him clothes, food, entertainment? Stop the extras if you haven't already. Don't make it easy for him to stay home and do nothing. Don't engage in an argument. Stay calm. When he protests asks him for his proposed solutions to the problems. What does he suggest? If its reasonable, try it. |
Anonymous
| He needs to change. Not you! |
Anonymous
| PP here. Plus- I think respect is "earned." He does not deserve your respect in this area (although maybe other areas- like bring a good dad.) |
Anonymous
| *being |
Anonymous
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Is he depressed? He should be screened for depression.
If he's just lazy, that's another issue altogether. |
Anonymous
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I believe he has what is known as "chutzpa." He's not applying for jobs, not watching the kids, not doing house work, but needs you to respect his time? What about your time?
You have to figure out what you want in a relationship but "for the sake of the kids" is not a good reason to let him sit on his lazy butt all day watching soaps or working out or whatever it is he does with his life. And it's certainly not a reason to indulge this. Think about what your kids are learning from this (if you think they don't know what's going on, you're fooling yourself). I think you need to just be straight up with him--this is unacceptale, and you're going to throw his ass out if he doesn't step up and (1) look for a job FULL TIME or (2) help out around the house (he should actually do both, BTW). If he whines like an overgrown child, throw him out of the nest like you would an overgrown child. |
Anonymous
Freudian slip? Maybe you really meant to suggest she find a pinch hitter? 
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Anonymous
True. But OP can't change others. She can only change how she engages in a particular situation. |
Anonymous
| Hard to hold a full-time job when one has to shuttle kids to and from day care. |
Anonymous
Is this a joke? |
Anonymous
must be a joke. I have done this, worked 40 plus hours, commuted, cooked dinner and cleaned and took care of kids. this is normal. if one spouse is not working AND not caring for childnres, no excuses for not doing the rest. |
Anonymous
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btw, how does your husband "respect your time" if you are the only one working AND doing most of the household stuff?
I would not salvage respect. I would get into marriage counseling, figure out whyhe has not sent out a resume (depressed? adhd?) and why he does not feel that he should contibute equally to the household, either in terms of work/money OR burden/household/childcare. |
Anonymous
| OP here. We are already in counseling. He doesnt want to help around the house because I don't show enough gratitude for the things he does do (daycare pickups, grocery shopping, taking out trash). He says no matter what he does I am not satisfied. I do think part of the problem is that I don't respect him because he spends all his time on Reddit or TV, unless he is helping me with DD or something I asked him to do. But he does't do things of his own accord. I picked the wrong person but now this is what I'm working with so tryjng to figure out how to improve things. |
Anonymous
My dh shows no initiative either in anything around the house. Once he took out the kitchen trash because it smelled but the other times, it requires repeated requests to do this or anything else. But in you dh's case, if he's not interested in working outside the home again, there should be a discussion on him taking up other household tasks bc a house does not take care of itself. I feel your pain, OP. |