How do I salvage respect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally appreciate the honest thoughts. I am trying to figure out if I'm as ungrateful as he describes or if he is sort of a loser.

My husband says he is doing many other things and I just don't see what they are and that if I am that blind it shouldn't be his job to account for every minute of his day. It's a catch 22. If I ask him to tell me what he does with his time he feels disrespected, if I don't know what he does with his time or don't see much productivity, I start to think he's a bum, we spiral down.

OP, you are not ungrateful. He is a loser. I also don't think you are blind. If he has been out of a job for 10 months, and not sent out one resume, WTF?!?!? If some large employer asked him what he did with his time while idle, what would he answer? What could he answer?! If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, IT IS A DUCK.

The solution is simple: 1) Separate, and boot him out 2) Stop paying the counselor 3) Toss his shit out to the curb. Are you married and in a relationship, or running a shelter for bums? And what the heck does the counselor say?

[Anonymous]

Dude can't even care for the kids and save some money while he is home?? Lazy as fuck.

[Anonymous]

15:57 I get your point but your language is unpleasant. And believe me, I am more horrified by my husbands behavior than anyone.

My child is only in daycare because I think the exposure to other kids is so important for her. Additionally, I do not want my husband to have the excuse that he can't look for a job because he is babysitting all day.

[Anonymous]

Your only solutions as I see them (I've never been able to understand how someone can just check out of life like your DH. I have struggled with very serious depression my whole life, but never did I think "I'll just let someone carry me until I feel like living again)

1) Ultimatum to get treatment for depression. Things might get significantly better if that is his issue. If he refuses, kick his ass out.

2) If he is not depressed, kick his ass out. seriously. Do you want your child learning that this kind of behavior is ok. He is only doing this BECAUSE HE CAN. In other words, you let him.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally appreciate the honest thoughts. I am trying to figure out if I'm as ungrateful as he describes or if he is sort of a loser.

My husband says he is doing many other things and I just don't see what they are and that if I am that blind it shouldn't be his job to account for every minute of his day. It's a catch 22. If I ask him to tell me what he does with his time he feels disrespected, if I don't know what he does with his time or don't see much productivity, I start to think he's a bum, we spiral down.

Dear OP, When DH accuses you of being ungrateful, it is his way of changing the subject and putting the issues on you, as if they are you fault, which they are not. He is not willing to address why he is unemployed and has not applied to any jobs and when called on the carpet about what he is doing, he gets aggressive and tries to make it seem as if you are the problem. You are not ungrateful. Has anyone in your family ever said that about you before? I would guess not. He just does not want his easy ride of having to do very little in terms of work to end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not ideal; but his level of effort sounds comparable to that of plenty of stay-at-home moms. Anyway, I'd say at least take the kids out of daycare until he decides he wants to work outside the home.

Wow, really? I always though SAH moms did a little more than shuttle kids to/from school and do grocery shopping.

The great majority do, I'm sure. In our society, however, I think it's somewhat more acceptable for a wife to kind of dick around and not work very hard (assuming the family can afford it financially) than for a husband to do the same. If a woman doesn't have a job, shuttles the kids to school and back, and has a maid clean the house a couple times a week; she's generally not thought of as a loser even if she's not doing a whole lot more while the kids are in school than puttering about with her hobbies. I don't think that's the case when the genders are reversed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:57 I get your point but your language is unpleasant. And believe me, I am more horrified by my husbands behavior than anyone.

My child is only in daycare because I think the exposure to other kids is so important for her. Additionally, I do not want my husband to have the excuse that he can't look for a job because he is babysitting all day.

When a parent takes care of their kids, I don't think it's called "babysitting."

[Anonymous]

"I totally appreciate the honest thoughts. I am trying to figure out if I'm as ungrateful as he describes or if he is sort of a loser."

Oh OP, I've been in this exact same situation (now divorced, thank god, because nothing has changed on his end). You are not being ungrateful. There is nothing wrong with you. He is turning things back on you because he can't handle taking responsibility for his actions. Underneath, there is probable a lot of shame and low self-esteem on his end, which only he can fix.

I think your role is to see a therapist to figure out what your bottom line is - financially and emotionally, what do you need from him? You need to be able to articulate this in a very straightforward and unemotional manner, and then give him a deadline or ultimatum. He's the one who has to figure it out - you can support him, but if he's not ready, willing and able to do the work then nothing will change.

You also need to see a divorce lawyer about your rights. He is voluntarily unemployed, which likely means you would owe him no alimony and perhaps no child support if you have primary custody, but it depends on your state laws and more specific information.

[Anonymous]

OP, I do not think that unemploymt itself makes someone a "loser"... But surely after typing this out, you can see this is total BS:

" My husband says he is doing many other things and I just don't see what they are and that if I am that blind it shouldn't be his job to account for every minute of his day. It's a catch 22. If I ask him to tell me what he does with his time he feels disrespected..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are already in counseling. He doesnt want to help around the house because I don't show enough gratitude for the things he does do (daycare pickups, grocery shopping, taking out trash). He says no matter what he does I am not satisfied. I do think part of the problem is that I don't respect him because he spends all his time on Reddit or TV, unless he is helping me with DD or something I asked him to do. But he does't do things of his own accord. I picked the wrong person but now this is what I'm working with so tryjng to figure out how to improve things.

OP, I'm sorry. You want to change your dh and he will not change. You have to accept that and then decide what to do next. I'm very sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not ideal; but his level of effort sounds comparable to that of plenty of stay-at-home moms. Anyway, I'd say at least take the kids out of daycare until he decides he wants to work outside the home.

Wow, really? I always though SAH moms did a little more than shuttle kids to/from school and do grocery shopping.

The great majority do, I'm sure. In our society, however, I think it's somewhat more acceptable for a wife to kind of dick around and not work very hard (assuming the family can afford it financially) than for a husband to do the same. If a woman doesn't have a job, shuttles the kids to school and back, and has a maid clean the house a couple times a week; she's generally not thought of as a loser even if she's not doing a whole lot more while the kids are in school than puttering about with her hobbies. I don't think that's the case when the genders are reversed.

This is interesting although as FT working mom, I admit I don't have the highest opinion of moms who stay at home while the kids are in school and don't do anything. If they volunteer and are actively involved in the kids' school, that would be different. And here - OP has stated her income and that is NOT enough in this area for one spouse to stay at home. I think if the roles were reversed (man made $100k, we would be equally critical of his SAH spouse who shuttled the kids to daycare and ran a few other errands).

[Anonymous]

OP! Any chance he has ADD?

I'd request the following before leaving:

That he get evaluated for depression or ADD.
That you try giving a to-do list each day, including a goal of applying for a specific number of jobs each week, and see if he follows through.
Cancel cable and Internet. And phone if he surfs on that. You are paying, after all. Harsh, but it might work.

[Anonymous]

He is a loser.

A guy who doesn't work and who doesn't try to find a job is a loser plain + simple OP.

He is even more of a loser if he won't help maintain the house, cook and do laundry.

A man needs to support his family. Be the breadwinner and provide.

He is not stepping up to the plate.

Stay w/him if you want. But you will never ever be happy. Or content.

Why are you w/this loser?
He must be H-O-T, right?

[Anonymous]

19:33 to answer your question, I made poor choices and now I have a child and the problems have become much more apparent.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I will probably give it another 4 months with lots of counseling. After that I will legally separate so at least I am not supporting him, we can continue to both be involved in DD's life.

I am just having a really hard time accepting why anyone could stand to be so unproductive. I mean it feels better to be productive and engaged than just hiding and in cyberspace, right? I just din't get it. Plus, he is a parent, which in my experience gives you extra incentive to be responsible and productive and engaged in life.

I feel like I must be missing something.