I feel like I'm drowning. How do two full time working parents do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank second wave feminism. Now you can do your work at home with your family and do your other job as well. Run yourself to the ground and enjoy because the money and your job title are worth it. But I don't understand wanting a second child that you will barely see, but its your choice. Why don't you outsource that as well?

Good for you! I'm betting you married one of those men who is highly successful and is making a ton of money which allows you to be a SAHM. That is wonderful. You will also be the one in 10 years coming on DCUM and whining about how your husband left you for the younger, new model and now you don't have any income and are trying to figure out how you can earn $100K when you haven't worked since you were 22. Let us know how that works out for you.

Why not try and be supportive?

[Anonymous]

We both work full-time downtown with an hour commute and have kids who are 2 and 4. I'm able to start my job at 6.45am and leave at 4.15pm, with every other Friday off. Once my oldest goes to kindergarten, I'll change my schedule to a straight 8 hour, 5 day a week schedule.

If you have only a 9 month old, then you need to stop making dinners! Your child isn't eating a regular meal like older kids would, so just keep it very easy for you and DH. Eat a bigger lunch and do more snacky things- cheese, crackers, sliced fruit, veggies, etc. Get the bagged salad and Foreman some chicken to slap on top (the kids and I are vegetarian, but that's what my DH would do before we got married). Grilled cheese and tomato soup are tasty! At the very least, get set up for the next day's dinner- if you can't pre-make the meals (and I understand- I can't always either- too tired!), at least set out the recipe, ingredients, pots/pans, and try, if you can, to pre-chop something. That, at the very least, will save you from running around like a headless chicken looking for this and that when you get home.

Multi-task! I do both kids' baths while DH runs around and empties out diaper pails, gathers up garbage bags, fills the kids' humidifiers, etc.

Is there any way you can telework at least once a week or once a pay period? My husband has the kind of job where as long as he answers calls and sends his emails, he isn't monitored in any way (unlike me, who has to send a detailed list of deliverables each day I telework). So, he's able to do some laundry and clean the house as long as his work gets done. Even if you can't do housework (like me), skipping the commute is a little bit of a break and lets you pick up your kid from daycare earlier.

We have an admittedly limited social life at the moment, so we make Fri nights our laundry night, while we watch a movie. As I mentioned earlier, I have every other Fri off, which I use to schedule a plethora of dr's appts, as my kids are sick a lot, or I keep my kids home. On occasion, I will send them both off to school (late drop-off, early pick-up) and take that day just to myself to recharge.

Also, as others have said, your baby needs to nap. Not sure what sleep training method is the best for you, but definitely he needs to get some daytime sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank second wave feminism. Now you can do your work at home with your family and do your other job as well. Run yourself to the ground and enjoy because the money and your job title are worth it. But I don't understand wanting a second child that you will barely see, but its your choice. Why don't you outsource that as well?

What is your point, exactly?

[Anonymous]

PP here- sorry OP- you and I posted at the same time and I didn't see that you said you couldn't telework...so, ignore that part of my post.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP - I felt like you at one point and did a few things to get things under control. I was considering going part time, and ended up not doing out. First thing - I had to figure out what the most stressful times of day are, when I am most exhausted, and tackle that first. For me, it's post-work before DD's bedtime. When DH started traveling full time, I had to get serious and plan. So now - I plan every meal in advance. Sit down with a pen and paper, make a shopping and grocery list. I don't like to eat takeout too much, so that wasn't an option more than 1-2x/month. One week day morning, I stop by the grocery store after the gym. One afternoon, I spend a couple hours cooking or prepping; I do not cook during the week. Microwave, or at most, throwing some fish I have already marinated into the oven and steaming some veggies in the microwave. I became diligent about doing laundry at certain times, running the dishwasher at night so I could empty dishes in the morning. I findit helpful to wake up before my daughter does so I have a half hour to take care of anything that need to be done. Evenings are now pretty relaxing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I felt like you at one point and did a few things to get things under control. I was considering going part time, and ended up not doing out. First thing - I had to figure out what the most stressful times of day are, when I am most exhausted, and tackle that first. For me, it's post-work before DD's bedtime. When DH started traveling full time, I had to get serious and plan. So now - I plan every meal in advance. Sit down with a pen and paper, make a shopping and grocery list. I don't like to eat takeout too much, so that wasn't an option more than 1-2x/month. One week day morning, I stop by the grocery store after the gym. One afternoon, I spend a couple hours cooking or prepping; I do not cook during the week. Microwave, or at most, throwing some fish I have already marinated into the oven and steaming some veggies in the microwave. I became diligent about doing laundry at certain times, running the dishwasher at night so I could empty dishes in the morning. I findit helpful to wake up before my daughter does so I have a half hour to take care of anything that need to be done. Evenings are now pretty relaxing.

Sorry, one weekend morning I go to the grocery store - though sometimes when DH is home, I go grocery shopping super early in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for the helpful replies so far

I should have clarified. My son naps but for extremely short times (like 30 minutes minutes once a day...MAYBE twice.) So by the time I start trying to do laundry, or make a meal he is awake. I just didn't count that as a nap because its so short.

I'm one of the PPs who said your baby needs to be napping and I agree that doesn't count. At 9 months old your baby needs to be napping more than 30 minutes at a time. Read up on strategies for how to make that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just feel like I have hit a wall. I'm am physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.

I have a 9 month old. Both my husband and I work full time at demanding jobs. Mine is more flexible than his but still a 9-6 situation.

How do other parents in this situation cook meals? Clean the house? Run errands?

My son is a total joy, an "easy" baby from what we have been told but he doesn't really nap so when we are home with him on the weekends there is nothing that can be done.

He goes to bed early (7:30) but I feel so drained from work and then playing with him when I get home until he goes to bed that the thought of cleaning or preparing dinner for the next day is just too much. Also my husband doesn't come home until baby is already asleep and he is also exhausted (His job is even more stressful then mine).

My husband has suggested that I drop a day at work and use the day to do all the things I cant do normally. I would love to do this but both my husband and I have a great deal of student debt and I was hoping to work full time for at least another year to make a larger dent in it. I just don't know if I can make it like this for another year.

FYI we have no family around here and the closest family lives 5 hours away so no help there. To make things even more complicated we want to try for next one in May. I was thinking that might be a good time to drop a day but I would 1. Los my health insurance, I'm on my husbands as well but mine is actually better and accepted at more places.) 2. Lose my full time salary and be paid an hourly rate, I would in reality be bringing home about $1000 less per month.

Anybody been in a similar situation? Suggestions?

I haven't read through the responses and many of them will probably be like mine, but: We are both full-time employees, but I work 8-4 and work from home on Fridays. This makes all the difference in the world. My husband handles mornings; I do evenings. It's tiring, but SO much more manageable than if we both got home at 6 or 7. Also: It gets SO much easier as they get older. Mine are now 3 and 5 and life is actually fun. I mean, there were always moments of joy, but the drudgery kind of outweighed them when they were 2 and newborn. Now, it's really nice.

[Anonymous]

I'm a full-time working single mom with 100% custody every day of the year, so let me give you my perspective... First, you need to get your DC to play independently. Thank the lord my child loves to play alone, though I am frequently updated on what the toys are doing.

Make a list of the household things that you can let slide, mine are:

-toys don't need to be picked up if company isn't expected
-my clean laundry can sit in the hamper in my closet
-dishes can occasionally sit (rinsed but not soaped) in the sink


Then things you cannot let slide; I cook almost every night, wash my floors several times a week, and have twice weekly household help. My house must always be super clean, though it isn't always as orderly as I would like, and having someone who helps on the weekdays really lightens my load on the weekends and in the evenings.

I don't do laundry, the housekeeper does it all, which is a tremendous help and something you should also consider. Believe me, don't drop a day at work to clean at home; there is always more to do and having someone else reduce the load is the best way to go about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice here already (outsource what you can, plan in advance, etc.) so I'll just tell you from my experience, things will get easier the older your child gets. Yes, he'll be more mobile & you'll have to chase him & etc., but in my experience (2 kids) i just settled into a way more comfortable groove after each kid's first year. The first year is SO hard. Even with an "easy" baby (and my first was easy too!), just adjusting to your new normal is very difficult. So, remember to be kind to yourself. It's OK if dinner is a sandwich. It's OK if the house isn't picked up every night. Your top priority right now is the happiness and well-being of your family, and that includes you. Spend time with your baby. Take time for yourself. Make sure you spend time with your husband.

Something that helps me is that I keep a running list of things that need to get done that week, and each morning I write out my "top 5" things to get done that day, and then I do them. So, if you didn't do the laundry last night, put it on tomorrow's list. Etc.

My kids are 4 and 2 and the most important thing I have learned since becoming a mother is to accept the fact that I cannot do it all, that I am doing the best I can, and that it will get better.

There's your Zen moment for the day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank second wave feminism. Now you can do your work at home with your family and do your other job as well. Run yourself to the ground and enjoy because the money and your job title are worth it. But I don't understand wanting a second child that you will barely see, but its your choice. Why don't you outsource that as well?

Good for you! I'm betting you married one of those men who is highly successful and is making a ton of money which allows you to be a SAHM. That is wonderful. You will also be the one in 10 years coming on DCUM and whining about how your husband left you for the younger, new model and now you don't have any income and are trying to figure out how you can earn $100K when you haven't worked since you were 22. Let us know how that works out for you.

Why not try and be supportive?

Don't forget that the bitter SAHM will need to grovel at OP's feet to get hired for a $25K administrative assistant job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

thought of cleaning or preparing dinner for the next day is just too much.

Stop doing this! I am in a very similar situation with a pretty easy, but no-napping 11-monther and two-attorney household. Pare everything back. The way it "works" is that "dinner" is often take out, or sandwiches or scrambled eggs. We have a cleaner come in twice a month and just do the bare minimum in between. I order everything online. Things are often untidy and we are somewhat disheveled. But as a result, the stress level is actually pretty low and we are chugging along fine.

I could have written this a few years ago. Figure out what you feel you have to do to keep sane and outsource or pare down expectations for everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is very hard! Outsource as much as you can afford. For example, I have someone deliver meals once a month, which covers us for 2-3 nights a week. I also try to prep one meal on the weekend that I can throw together on a weeknight. I have cleaning people twice a month. Order as much as you can online. I get almost everything from diapers.com or Amazon Prime. If you need to, hire a sitter for a few hours on Saturday morning so you can cram in all of your errands. I know you want to spend that weekend time with you child, but if you can knock out a bunch of stuff in a few hours then you'll still have plenty of other time.

Can you share where you have meals delivered from? That is a great idea.

[Anonymous]

OP, hang in there. It can be done. We are a two working parent household with family out of state and not a huge network of support around us. Two kids, 6 and 4. Yes, you're probably thinking it's easier, and in some ways it is, but try adding another kid and homework x 2 plus after school activities x2 to your schedule... Point is, it never "gets" easier, just difficult in a different way. Anyway, here are my tips:

1. Divide and conquer. A lot easier to do with 1 than with 2. But each of you should get a few kid-free hours each weekend to do whatever. Gym, errands, prep meals for the week, a quick clean or an hour or so of yardwork.
2. When your kid wakes up from a nap, resist the urge to run upstairs and get him right away. We did this for a long time, but eventually we figured out that DD was "not quite awake" and pretty desperately needed more sleep. Once we stopped running to her at first sound, she slept a good solid 2 hours each nap. Not saying that this will happen with your kid, but even if your baby is awake, it is OK to stay in the crib for another 15-20 minutes so you can finish chopping the veggies or dry yourself off from your shower.
3. No, you don't have to play with baby all his waking hours. It is OK if you put him down somewhere where he can roll around on the floor, with some soft toys and board books while you're in sight, but still get a few things done. No, you're not a bad mom for doing this.
4. Meals. We do (and always have) had family dinners, and 90% of the time I cook meals from scratch (Yes, we get home around 6). By meals, I mean the easiest and most boring menu imaginable. We have pasta with stir fried veggies at least once a week, breakfast for dinner at least once a week, something in the crockpot that I usually cook overnight, soup and sandwiches, grilled cheese. Definitely boring, but hey, right now it's survival mode. So find a few quick and easy recipes, prep on the weekends (you can chop pretty much a week's worth of veggies on Sunday) and the crockpot is your friend. I also almost never cook for just one day - leftovers are great, either for lunch, or for dinner the next night.
5.Sort of related - plan your meals, write a list and only go to the grocery store once a week. Huge time saver! Plus, you never have to scramble at 6PM trying to figure out what to make for dinner that night.
6. Cleaning person - I still do a lot of cleaning, but every two weeks the house gets scrubbed from top to bottom, and it's great!
7. Ultimately, I was able to change my schedule to 80% and now I have one week-day off. I can't tell you how big a difference this meant to my general outlook on life. Every week I volunteer at my kids' school in the morning, and have lunch with them. This leaves my afternoon free to do all those other things that I dind't get around to during the week: Target run, drycleaning, buying clothes or shoes, or refilling art supplies for the kids, figuring out what they needed for the next sports activity, schedule summer camps, book vacations, pay bills, organize family photos, file, cull out old clothes and toys for donations, you know, the five million other things in life. Yes, I did the math on how much it was costing me, and it was shocking, but I still think it's worth it because our family runs so much more smoothly, there are a lot fewer arguments with DH about who does what and why certain things never seem to get done, and overall I am more patient with everyone, in a better mood - no way $800 in therapy a month would have been able to accomplish all this for me. So if you can do it, I say go for it! (BTW, if you are working 32 hours a week, that is still considered "full time" and you should be eligible for benefits, right?)

Good luck, hang in there, and I hope you figure out how to be happier. This is a special time, don't waste it by being stressed, angry and overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

OP i think a cleaning person is key here! Can u afford to have someone come at least once every 2 weeks? Once a week? I have my cleaning person fold and put away ALL our laundry, clean, etc and I also ask her to organize stuff.