No help with #2... Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH only took one week off for DC#2. DC#1 was in daycare so it was really not an issue. Can you try to find a part-time nanny share for the older child or hire a mother's helper? You should post at the career center at your local college. I have a friend who did this with great success.

OP here.

We do have a mother's helper. She'll come during the witching hour (after school for her, 4-7pm for us) to take DC1 to the park, feed DC dinner and eventually give DC a bath.

Right now she comes once a week - that's when I deep clean the house. It works well, I talked to her and she's willing to come 4 days a week when DC2 comes along.

I'll give the pre-school some thought. I didn't want to start now or around the due date because it will be a lot of transition for DC1 to go through. We're also potty training so there's some changes happening already. This is all so overwhelming... I was so sure my mom would get her visa this time around

You will be just fine. Stressed, sure, but you will be fine!

Potty training may regress once the baby comes. Go easy on your oldest. Have an emergency box of new items for your first child, a "sanity box". It may include a few special movies, Crayola Magic paints and markers, new books, and random project supplies.

Remember to use the mother's helper to give yourself a break from both babies. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Millions of women take care of two or more children every single day of the year and have no help. Why can't you do the same. The secret is to get organized and not to sweat the small stuff. Make sure they are fed, dry, clean, and loved.

Yes, but having a newborn and toddler on your own--not just all day but also all night, 4 days straight, every single week, is tough--particularly if your toddler is a poor sleeper or jealous or high energy and needs to be out for hours each day while you are still recovering from childbirth and nursing a month old baby. (I for one do not have a toddler who can quietly hang out in the house for hours, nor does he take a nap most days).


OP--can you get the mother's helper (or a more regular helper) on the 4 days that DH is away each week? preschool or daycare those days too is a good idea.

the toughest part for me about newborn and toddler when I'm on my own is when toddler wants to be picked up right away and I'm nursing the baby. He gets jealous and upset. Or, I've got baby in my arms and toddler is about to do something colossally dangerous, stupid, messy, etc. Plus, the sheer exhaustion of night time if BOTH are getting up multiple times and you don't have someone to take some of the night wakings (I feed baby but DH deals with toddler). and going to the supermarket with both is tough too, at this point (I second Peapod).

some practical advice: have a lot of places where you can put the baby down to attend to toddler. get a sling or other device to wear baby so that you have hands free and can read, etc, to toddler.

[Anonymous]

What PP above said is so true: get something to wear the baby in that you can use around the house and out and have a childproofed place to leave either baby or toddler. I would recommend the Beltway Babywearers' meetings to find out what carrier might work for you.

Stick to your older child's schedule as much as possible to minimize transition. And we have a cleaning service come every two weeks, and I really appreciate it because at this point I am doing very little in the meantime besides keeping the playroom and kitchen (our main hang-outs) clean - it helps me not worry about cleaning when the babies sleep at the same time. I know some others have said it's a luxury, but I appreciate being able to focus my energy just on getting all of us through the day(s) and knowing that the house isn't going to end up filthy because of it!

You will be alright. I have found that it has been easier than I imagined it would be (I expected the worst!). I hope it will be the same for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, most people do not have help. No family, no sitter, no nanny, no neighbor, nothing. Most people figure it out as they go. You will do just fine.

Yep same here. At least your DH has some time off after the baby is born. Mine had to leave for an international business trip 4 days after we were discharged from the hospital. Suck it up OP. You just go with the flow and find what works for you. For me, I gave myself expectations. For example, I told myself we will NOT sit around the house all day. I must be out of the house with the 22mo. old and the newborn no later than 10am each day. And so it was. I set the goal and met it each day It helped me and DD keep to our schedule pre-sibling and it kept us from giong stir crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Millions of women take care of two or more children every single day of the year and have no help. Why can't you do the same. The secret is to get organized and not to sweat the small stuff. Make sure they are fed, dry, clean, and loved. Everything else can wait.

and to 23:17...

While I do appreciate your tentative to help, this is not what I was looking for. It's been 4 years since I saw my mom last, she's never met my first child. I dealt with severe PPD the first time around all by myself and I don't want to have to go through the whole ordeal once again with another child in the mix. I was seeking practical advice on how to get used to the new family and tips on dealing with adding a member to the family and not having people trying to minimize the sadness and despair I'm feeling right now. I know tomorrow morning I won't be feeling this way anymore, this is all brand new news for my family and we're still processing it. Is it really that hard to respect other's pain?

Thanks to all who came with practical advice, I truly appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Millions of women take care of two or more children every single day of the year and have no help. Why can't you do the same. The secret is to get organized and not to sweat the small stuff. Make sure they are fed, dry, clean, and loved. Everything else can wait.

and to 23:17...

[b]While I do appreciate your tentative to help, this is not what I was looking for[/b]. It's been 4 years since I saw my mom last, she's never met my first child. I dealt with severe PPD the first time around all by myself and I don't want to have to go through the whole ordeal once again with another child in the mix. I was seeking practical advice on how to get used to the new family and tips on dealing with adding a member to the family and not having people trying to minimize the sadness and despair I'm feeling right now. I know tomorrow morning I won't be feeling this way anymore, this is all brand new news for my family and we're still processing it. Is it really that hard to respect other's pain?

Thanks to all who came with practical advice, I truly appreciate it.

You never said anything about PPD in your orginal post. And what are you asking anyway? You miss your mom and wished she was around. Is that your point? Or are you asking how to organize yourself with 2 kids? It's 2 different things and you seem to dismiss PPs who aren't sympathetic.

The golden rule of DCUM is don't come looking for compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Millions of women take care of two or more children every single day of the year and have no help. Why can't you do the same. The secret is to get organized and not to sweat the small stuff. Make sure they are fed, dry, clean, and loved. Everything else can wait.

and to 23:17...

[b]While I do appreciate your tentative to help, this is not what I was looking for[/b]. It's been 4 years since I saw my mom last, she's never met my first child. I dealt with severe PPD the first time around all by myself and I don't want to have to go through the whole ordeal once again with another child in the mix. I was seeking practical advice on how to get used to the new family and tips on dealing with adding a member to the family and not having people trying to minimize the sadness and despair I'm feeling right now. I know tomorrow morning I won't be feeling this way anymore, this is all brand new news for my family and we're still processing it. Is it really that hard to respect other's pain?

Thanks to all who came with practical advice, I truly appreciate it.

You never said anything about PPD in your orginal post. And what are you asking anyway? You miss your mom and wished she was around. Is that your point? Or are you asking how to organize yourself with 2 kids? It's 2 different things and you seem to dismiss PPs who aren't sympathetic.

The golden rule of DCUM is don't come looking for compassion.

I know, I know, I should not engage... but here I go...

"What can you tell me to help me feel better about doing this all alone? I'm so upset right now..." was my last phrase. Telling me that millions of people do this every day and trying to diminish how I feel is NOT helpful. I came asking for PRACTICAL advice and I thought my OP was clear on that... I even listed what we already have done to make sure we're ready. Is it really that hard to be empathetic of someone in pain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, most people do not have help. No family, no sitter, no nanny, no neighbor, nothing. Most people figure it out as they go. You will do just fine.

ditto -- i did not have any help! this is not unusual at all!

[Anonymous]

OP, I get that you're upset about your mother's visa issues, but it is true that it's not really that challenging to manage two kids without help. That's kind of what having two kids is all about! My mother was sick when my first child was born and had died by the time I had my second, so I didn't have much help either time. My husband stayed home 2 weeks the first time around and probably 2 days the second time around. My older child stayed in daycare, which helped a ton, but I was doing all the cooking etc, and we managed just fine. We could have paid for other help but I never really understood the point if you're trying to BF. The keys for me were just simple meals, cleaning service, low expectations for everything. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand where you're coming from. While my family is American and we all live in the country, I had a somewhat unique situation where my first was adopted as an older infant, so when my 2nd was born not long after we adopted our first, DH and I were in for a real surprise as the baby was our first experience with a newborn. My parents were supposed to come up soon after but my dad fell and needed emergency surgery, so they weren't able to make the 9 hour drive for much longer than they had wanted.

Anyway, you'll make it through! Even if some things fall by the wayside (house cleaning, laundry, etc), it's ok. The one thing that I experienced and wanted to warn you about is that possibility that you might end up resenting or irrationally angry with your older child. I guess it must be hormones, but I know a few other women who also found themselves annoyed at their older child b/c he/she seemed clumsy and menacing towards the new baby, especially if jealousy is involved. I was shocked that I was feeling like that. Also, as others said, try your best to keep your older child in her routine as much as possible and of course, don't be surprised if potty training regresses.

Sorry that your mom can't be there to help you and visit her grandchildren. Of course there are always women who make it with no help, but it doesn't make the fact that your mom can't be with you any less disappointing. You can do it though!

[Anonymous]

OP, if you can't handle one kid, why did you have two? And why do you have no friends here? Why don't you just go back to wherever you came from since you seem unwilling to become part of society?

[Anonymous]

Hey, I'm sorry your mother can't be there to meet your children. That sucks, big time, and I'm sure the emotions around that are probably getting in the way of making a practical plan. Take a little time to just grieve and be upset and miss your mom.

And some practical things that helped us with our first:

1) Stock up on non-perishables, both food and things like toilet paper, cleaning supplies, toiletries.

2) Figure out now what things you use regularly you can order online--i.e., diapers and wipes from Amazon subscribe n save, etc.

3) Sign up for Amazon Prime, so anything you need for the baby, you can order and get free in two days. Minimize errands that way.

4) Identify now a few places you can take your toddler and baby. Where are a few good walking routes in your neighborhood? Type up a list of five easy outings and tape them to your fridge to inspire you to leave the house once a day, briefly.

5) Have a heart-to-heart with your husband to talk about expectations and logistics when there is a second baby. You don't want to spend the time he's home fighting. Think through what you'll each need, how to tackle the issues. Maybe he'll take the toddler on one special outing a week, so you get a little down time with #2 and #1 gets some special attention.

6) Figure out preschool options now, even if you don't take advantage of them immediately. Have your research done.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

honestly even with #1 I didn't find that we really needed help. My mom was here for a week when he was first born but she really didn't do much. My husband was fully capable of making meals and helping with the baby. #2 is due in a few weeks and my mom will be here for the first week but that is it. You can hire a sitter to come to watch DC1 while you are in the hospital and have someone come after to watch DC1 so you can get a break.

In this area plenty of people survive with no help as most of us are not origionally from here.

[Anonymous]

What, OP?

[Anonymous]

It's smart of you to line up the mother's helper. That's a great idea. I didn't do this and wish I had. We only did it when #2 was about 8 weeks old and I wish I had it since day 1. Also great if you can find a babysitter who can handle both children, even if it's just for 3 hours so you can go to bed or do whatever. We have no family in the area, no real help, and did it. Smart to plan and freeze meals, sounds like you've got a handle on the details.