I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents
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Anonymous
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My father was an abusive alcoholic. I talk to him on the phone a couple of times a year. I prefer not to have him in my life.
It's OK to accept that your parents are not good people. In fact, it's best to realize that there are bad parents out there. If one of your son's friends was being molested by her father, I would certainly hope that you would judge him as a bad, bad man and keep that girl away from her father. Think of yourself in the same boat. You were a girl who was sexually abused. Keep away. It's the right thing to do. |
Anonymous
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OP: Very very happy now and here's how I got here:
--cut stepdad out of life after he molested me. --cut mom out of life when I was expecting (so about 2years ago) and realized that I would never want my son to see my treated the way my mom treats me. She just called my house phone this weekend so now I realize that I'm going to have to cut some other family out since they don't respect boundaries. Haven't figured out that one yet. I wonder if others could share HOW they cut people out. I told my mom that she's abusive and was and she needs to not speak to me until she's healing herself...but it didn't stick. |
Anonymous
| OP, Leaving your son alone with your father is negligent. |
Anonymous
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This is a really interesting thread bc I am in the process of cutting my mother out of my life. My father died years ago. My mother has never been a good mother, was physically and emotionally abusive to me and my sister, and has very very few friends (she is remarried, but is rude to her husband, honestly). I have finally decided I am done after (as I posted on another thread), she told my 9-y-o autistic son, to his face, that he is an awful person and she never wants to see him again. Obviously I am not going to have either of my children around her and she lives far enough away that we could easily never see her again. So that's that. It is hard tho. Here are my issues I'm working through:
1 -- being the kind of person who doesn't speak to her mother. I know it's not my fault and I certainly wouldn't judge someone else who decided to do it, but I'm a reasonably happy person and it's weird to me to have such a messed up family (my sister is no walk in the park either). 2 -- really never seeing my own mother again. She could live for 20 more years and I would grow old and never see her again. As bad as she has been, she is still my mother and that's just sad. 3 -- dealing with my daughter asking about her. I know my mother will continue to send cards/money bc that's just how she is. Do I just stop telling my kids about my mother at all? What if they see pictures in an album. How does one deal with that without digging up the horrible incident (plus the fact that she was just pissy with my son in general). 4 -- figuring out what to do if she tried to have more contact than what we have now (a bday card for my daughter and $, a bday email for me). I can handle that level, but certainly don't want to speak to her on the phone or see her. I am considering getting caller id at home just so I can screen. Am I happier now? Yes, definitely. I have wanted her out of my life or less in my life for years but couldn't quite do it. Now it's pretty clear. It will be quite nice not to hear twice a year (plus on the phone) that I'm overweight, how sad she is that my son is so difficult (not accompanied by $ for therapy for him or a babysitter for a night out for me), that I'm a disappointment that I choose to do less in terms of a career so I can devote myself more to my kids, esp since my son needs so much. Doesn't like my house, hates my cat, etc. etc. So it is a huge relief and if it weren't so horrible what she did, I would be glad it happened (if that makes sense). OP, you should feel no guilt whatsoever in stepping away from your family. Your son doesn't need that kind of negativity in his life and neither do you. You will feel a huge weight lifted, even if it is difficult. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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OP-Sending you lots of virtual hugs and support.
I think part of the problem is advice columnists without real expertise and TV shows and what have you make you feel like family is everything no matter what and kids need grandparents no matter what. My in-laws have been verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and there is a murky history of possibly crossing the line to physical abuse. We have given them many chances and they continue to cycle from pleasant to very nasty. Plus they all seem to hate eachother, but they keep getting together and wars keep breaking out and only occasionally are gatherings somewhat peaceful. You want your child to learn how to have a healthy relationship right? What message does it give your child if continue the abusive cycle? Even if everyone is sweet as can be to your child, I promise you every child watches closely how people treat the mom. I focus on those friends and family we have healthy relationships with and I try to enjoy that without the dark cloud of wishing we had a more Hallmark or even Modern Family like situation with the in-laws. You teach people how to treat you (as corny Dr. Phil used to say). If someone doesn't respect boundaries and doesn't treat you with dignity and you allow it, you are telling them it's OK to do this and you are telling your child this is an acceptable way to treat someone. OP please keep us posted. Wishing you strength!! |
Anonymous
| I'm not yet at 100% happy. Not sure if I ever will be. I consider it a loss not to have a father in my life. I realize that he can never be what I would imagine him to be in my dreams, but any effort at all would do at this point. Even if I let him go completely, I still have the feelings of rejection attached to him that I will feel for most, if not all, of my life. I also feel it is a loss for my children not to have him involved in their lives. |
Anonymous
| I do agree with 16:11 - there is so much propaganda that "family is everything no matter what". If family is toxic, you have to move on - it is difficult, but you have to do it. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for your note. Yes, I agree, part of the reason for not cutting my parents out is the difficulty in letting go of the idea that one day we will have a different relationship. I do not find it easy to forgive them for the behavior they display in the present. If they were anybody else besides "family", I would have cut them off completely because of their behavior. For years, I've been thinking I really need to cut them out and have been managing by reducing the frequency of interactions. But recently something happened that is really making it hard for me to continue a relationship with them and brought back all the past hurt. I won't go into all the details; the short story is my parents recently organized a major "family" trip back to their home country where they had not been for 20 years, to introduce us (I have 3 siblings who have kids also) to extended family, but at a time when I couldn't go for work related reasons, and they weren't willing to compromise their plans and go at a different time. It's a huge trip, and may not ever happen again (a 12 h plane ride, difficult place to travel to). After they had returned from the trip, they called me a week later to ask me to contact their physicians to ask about medications, and to attend some medical appointments with them, and also wanted to mention it was their 40th anniversary coming up and they wanted to give me enough notice to help organize a big party for them. I'm tired of being a doormat for them and existing only to meet their needs. I appreciate everyone's responses. It is helpful to hear that some have made this decision and it's turning out fine. The PP who made the point about my son seeing how my parents treat me may not be such a good thing was helpful. So far I have decided to block their emails. They call when they need something but they haven't for a while because I blew up during that last call when they wanted to me organize their 40th anniversary celebration, all the while not acknowledging that I wasn't able to come on the trip. What I have to get over is the idea that I'm a "bad" daughter for turning my back on them. Please keep the stories coming, they are really helpful. |
Anonymous
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OP, you're NOT a bad daughter and you're not "turning your back on your parents." That's not what's happening here.
It sounds like you're (not very successfully yet) accepting that the dream image of your parents isn't going to replace the reality. It's one of the hardest things to do, letting go of that wish for loving parents that you've held since childhood. You need to do that in order to heal and that probably means you need to let go of these toxic people who don't won't treat you with common decency. Good luck, OP, I'm praying for you. |
Anonymous
Thank you. |
Anonymous
| I have not seen my mother since I was 16 years old. I'm 40 now. She was neglectful and abusive when I was a child and abandoned me to live with my grandparents who were 10 times worse. Sure I can say that she had no good parenting herself and that she had me too young but she is STILL making bad choices and has not tried to change her situation. If I can come out of a situation like that balanced (after therapy) and healthy; she has no excuse. I tried going to therapy with her but she takes no responsibility for her actions and flat out denies some things that happened. After having my children I tried keeping a distant relationship and sending her email updates and pics. She used that opportunity to try to drag me into more drama. She thrives on chaos and creates it from nothing. I finally had to tell her that she blew her chance. I cannot have myself or children exposed to that kind of dysfunction. I no longer feel guilty about it. She cannot help herself and while I do feel sorry for her, that's not enough to allow her to continue to spread her cancer into my life. OP, look at it this way: Our responsibility is to parent our children, not our parents. Cut your ties now for the sake of your son. If he doesn't know the whole story, he may grow up to think he's the cause of the tension or worse yet, they may color his opinion of you. |
Anonymous
| OP so sad for you..sad for all of us who are going through family issues. I have been working with a therapist to process my family mess and it has been so wonderful. I had gotten to the point where I literally couldn't breathe and thought I had every ailment in the world..it was stress. It is so hard to let go of bad family..yet strangely comforting to be part of drama if it's the only thing you know. Having kids made me break the chain--didn't want them around it and didn't want to become it. I also noticed that when I decided not to tolerate bad behavior from family..also had to let go of some friends--had a friend since I was 2 years old who just was nasty..that had to go as well. Not going to lie..takes time to process all of this and to sort of give up the dream that your family can be "normal" but now I have a peace that I have never had. It also helps that my husband is normal and so is his family--they haven't been judgemental about my family stuff..just supportive. Since you are single, you have to promise yourself that you will only date men who are honorable--and they are out there. If you even get a hint of alchohol, drug, financial abuse..done--usually the honorable guys are not the flashy ones and they get missed. Sad because now that I am with one..much better than when I dated the overgrown frat boys. Remember to learn from your past and your future will be brighter. |
Anonymous
| OP, children have a psychological need to idealize their parents so we can feel safe with them. Part of growing up is learning they cannot protect you from everything they are not perfect etc. For most people, though, their parents did do their best to protect and love them, even if not perfect. Parents may drive us a little bonkers but their imperfections are really not harmful. Your parents failed to protect you. Your father abused you. As wonderful as you might dream he may become, he abused you. Totally unforgivable in my opinion. I would NEVER speak to him again. Moreover, your current relationship with your parents continues to be harmful to your psychological well being. You can certainly mourn the relationship and parents you never had but it is time to stop holding your breath for it to happen. I cut off my dad (luckily my parents are split and my mom is pretty great) when I was in my 20s. Did it make me sad? Absolutely. Do I wish I had a great relationship with him, that one day he'd realize what a jerk he was etc? Yes. But my wishing only hurt ME. It prevented me from living in reality and moving on with my life. I am so much happier not longing for some fantasy that was never going to happen. Moreover, I never want my children exposed to that longing and disappointment. To the extent I can control the people in their lives (obviously this won't last forever), they will not be exposed to people who aren't loving or protective of them or ME! You must respect yourself enough to accept and tell yourself, "I got a bad draw on parents; this is NOT my fault. But I don't have to let them continue to hurt me. The damage in the past cannot be erased but the damage in the future can be prevented." Also, please NEVER NEVER NEVER let your father alone with your child/ren. And if you have siblings with children, you MUST tell them what happened so they can exercise the same caution. Molestation most often occurs within families with someone who is trusted. Imagine if your nieces or nephews were abused like you were because you hadn't said anything. Horrific. |
Anonymous
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I cut my parents out of my life about 8 years ago. It was definitely the right decision, I am 100% comfortable with it. I had tried having a healthy relationship with them by limiting the bad stuff, we didn't live close together, etc. but their craziness managed to interfere whenever we had contact. Now that I have children I am doubly glad I'm not in contact with them--never would I want what happened to me to happen to them. The first year was the hardest.
Honestly, the hardest part now is simply when people ask about my parents. It's just embarassing to tell the truth. I tell those close to me but otherwise I brush off questions from nice peopel who are just curious. |
Anonymous
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FOr those of you with these types of parents (myself included), what do you tell others? I thought 11:26 brought up a great point. Frankly, I know some from dysfunctional backgrounds who are up their parents butt for money, so they tether themselves to them. In my case, I don't want anything but normal parents (which won't happen), but some just don't get it and try to pin it on the innocent child, almost trying to (deliberately, I believe) compound the problem. I know they are not owed an explanation, and they are just plain nosy trash, but what if anything do you say?
Not trying to hijack. I just think this compounds an already difficult situation, especially if you are surrounded by friends with positive, helpful parents. |