I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents

[Anonymous]

I know my parents will never change. When I've tried to talk openly about things that were done or said, or not, they become offended and begin arguing with me, telling me what an ungrateful daughter I am.

I have a mom who has told a story to me all of my life about how she didn't realize she was pregnant again, after having my sister 3 months prior. She thought she was getting fat and went to the doctor who informed her she was pregnant. So all my life, since I was a kid, I've heard the message that I wasn't planned. I think my mom should have aborted, but it wasn't easy to get then.
She also has told me that by the time I was born, she figured out she shouldn't come running whenever a baby cried so she just let me cry from day 1. My dad was largely absent during my childhood because of his hours of work, then when my mother went away for a few months for vacation on her own, when I was around 13, took the opportunity to get close with inappropriate fondling. There is more but suffice to say I am messed up. I would say this is in the past but she continues to be critical, unsupportive, hurtful, self absorbed, my father the same. I don't enjoy being with them, I only visit when they ask to see my son which is about every 2 months. They live 45 min away but aren't interested in seeing him more often and aren't available to help out. I make bad choices in men including the one I married and am on my own with my son.

Worse, I am in therapy and while it has helped some areas, I still feel the sting of their criticism and lack of support. I can't get past it. It seems the only thing that would help is if one day they would acknowledge me, let me know that I mattered to them. They've never told me they loved me or were glad I was their daughter. I get that I was largely a burden and still am. The only thing that would make this even worse is if I mess up as a mother and my son grows up feeling the way I do and is as messed up as I am. He is one big reason why I choose to be around. I am careful to make sure he doesn't ever realize that, because that is a big burden, and I am doing my best to make sure he feels loved and is wanted. But I can understand how Andrea Yates could make the decision she did. I wouldn't want my son to grow up without me, but there are many days when I wish I did not have to live.

I feel better when I am not around them and I think for my sanity I need to just get them out of my life for good. On the other hand I feel guilty about not allowing my son to get to know his grandparents, and guilty about rejecting my parents. It's completely against my culture. If I could send my son to them without having to interact with them, I would but he's only 6.

I'd like to hear from anyone who made a decision to cut their parents out of their lives, and how that has turned out. I am on antidepressants and I think my therapist is good. I am really trying to not be upset by my parents behavior but I can't. I think I just need to get the courage to cut them out.

[Anonymous]

100% happy here. Not having an emotionally abusive individual in your life does wonders for one's self-esteem.

I still have bad memories about them in a while, but knowing that they don't actually affect my day-to-day life, knowing that we don't interact at ALL, is amazing.

[Anonymous]

OP, why would you continue to have a relationship with either parent? Your father molested you and your mother didn't protect you. My step-father molested me. I cut out all ties with him at 19 and never looked back. My mother divorced him and it took years for my mother and me to repair our relationship. It's not great, but I only see her 2 - 3 times a year and that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why would you continue to have a relationship with either parent? Your father molested you and your mother didn't protect you. My step-father molested me. I cut out all ties with him at 19 and never looked back. My mother divorced him and it took years for my mother and me to repair our relationship. It's not great, but I only see her 2 - 3 times a year and that's fine.

Ditto this. And don't even consider sending him to deal with them on his own. A parent's job is to protect the child. Your parents didn't do this, but you need to. Do not trust their judgement with your son.

[Anonymous]

Do not subject your son to these people. What a terrible idea! You would be doing the right thing by ending things completely with them. If your father molested you he is capable of doing the same to your son.

Besides that, you will never be able to heal completely with them still present in your life. You need to put them completely behind you.

[Anonymous]

"It seems the only thing that would help is if one day they would acknowledge me, let me know that I mattered to them."

OP, I'm sorry to say this, but you will have to let this go. They will never do it. You matter and are loved regardless of whether your dysfunctional parents ever say so.

There's no reason to feel guilty. You are protecting your son by keeping him away from them. I'd simply stop returning their phone calls.

[Anonymous]

My DH cut off his father. He has been much happier since doing so. His father has a personality disorder and is just toxic.

I have a very complex relationship with my parents and sister. I am the only adult in the family. I haven't fully cut them off but I certainly limit contact and involvement in their drama.

[Anonymous]

You need a new counselor. Your current one may have helped a little, but it sounds like doesn't seem to be helping much with the lingering issues.

I'm surprised that you are talking to your parents, especially your father. I would cut all ties with your father and have a post-card / holidays relationship with your mother. No phone calls, no emails, just see each other every so often. You don't need to have daily or even weekly reminders of their behavior.

[Anonymous]

I havent cut them out completely but I keep them at a distance. My family is in denial. We have serious issues that need to be resolved, yet they want to pretend we are a happy family. We are not. For my own sanity I had to give up on the dream that our relationship is going to be different which makes me sad.
Please protect your son from them. Do not send him to their house alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It seems the only thing that would help is if one day they would acknowledge me, let me know that I mattered to them."

OP, I'm sorry to say this, but you will have to let this go. They will never do it. You matter and are loved regardless of whether your dysfunctional parents ever say so.

There's no reason to feel guilty. You are protecting your son by keeping him away from them. I'd simply stop returning their phone calls.

Hi, it's the OP. Yes, I realize that day will never come. That's why I need to cut them out. The PP who said it's hard to heal if I am still experiencing it makes a good point.

If I had a daughter who was a pre teen, I would worry about her being alone with my dad. Actually i want to vomit when I imagine that. I can't see my dad abusing my son sexually but I could see him ignoring him ie neglect.

[Anonymous]

I have cut off my father after years and years of trying. Nothing I ever do will be good enough for him, so it was done out of self-preservation. My self-esteem couldn't take him any more. When I think about it, which isn't that often anymore, it does make me sad, particularly now that he's getting older and apparently isn't very healthy. I also find it very depressing, for him, that he's never met two of his grandchildren and has little contact with my brother and sister and their families. Objectively, it's sad; in reality, I try to remember that it's the best thing for me and my siblings. He and my mom have been divorced for 12 years, so that makes it easier.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. There is a type of therapy, EMDR, which helps to heal you after some type of trauma (sexual abuse by your dad + feeling unloved by your mom are pretty traumatic). It was amazingly effective for me. It was initially developed to help Vietnam vets dealing with ptsd. Lots and lots of evidence to support its effectiveness claims. EMDR and talk therapy will help you heal. I wish you the best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I havent cut them out completely but I keep them at a distance. My family is in denial. We have serious issues that need to be resolved, yet they want to pretend we are a happy family. We are not. For my own sanity I had to give up on the dream that our relationship is going to be different which makes me sad.
Please protect your son from them. Do not send him to their house alone.

Hi OP. The part I bolded is what I heard you saying in your first post, and is something I can definitely relate to. I had other issues with my parents: my mom was a single parent who put food in the fridge, but did no other parenting. My father was emotionally abusive. After college, I realized I was hurting so much because I, too, couldn't get over that dream of wanting something from my parents that they just couldn't give. I finally said enough, that I wouldn't do that to myself, because it was making me a person I didn't want to be. When I finally "forgave" my parents for who they are, my outlook changed. Suddenly I was able to focus on the life I wanted to live, my way. Also, they picked up on my not needing them anymore, and they changed. My dad is like a completely new person with me, and while it's never going to be where I'd love it to be, I accept what he can give. The same with my mom.

I sort of hesitate to tell you that part because I don't want to give you a rosy ending, which may not work for you. Let your son be your motivation, do it for your son. Instead of wishing for the parents you never had, and never will, BE the parent you want to be for your son. You can make a family too; they don't need to be blood relatives.

Life is a struggle every day, but there's lots of good here. I noticed another poster mentioned that you may need a new therapist, and after reading your post I felt the same. Could you try someone new?

You need to hear that it's okay to lead the life you want to live without feeling guilty. Free yourself. Be well.

[Anonymous]

No real advice, but I said a prayer. I had to cut my father out of my life. After he died (and I did not go to his funeral), I did resume a distant relationship with my mom (which is painful, but I do it for a complicated set of reasons). Anyway, praying for strength and wisdom for you.

[Anonymous]

My parents are separated and I am close to my mom. I haven't talked to my father and one brother in years. I was never going to be good enough for my father and I stopped trying. Those people are just not worth for me to have in my life. I don't need the constant feeling of being miserable and I feel much better after I broke off contact.
I have many other people in my life that I love and I don't feel like I'm missing out not having him in my life.