Reply to I'd like to hear from anyone who's happy to have decided to give up on their parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I havent cut them out completely but I keep them at a distance.  My family is in denial.  We have serious issues that need to be resolved, yet they want to pretend we are a happy family.  We are not.   [b]For my own sanity I had to give up on the dream that our relationship is going to be different which makes me sad. [/b] 
Please protect your son from them.  Do not send him to their house alone.  [/quote]

Hi OP.  The part I bolded is what I heard you saying in your first post, and is something I can definitely relate to.  I had other issues with my parents: my mom was a single parent who put food in the fridge, but did no other parenting.  My father was emotionally abusive.  After college, I realized I was hurting so much because I, too, couldn't get over that dream of wanting something from my parents that they just couldn't give.  I finally said enough, that I wouldn't do that to myself, because it was making me a person I didn't want to be.  When I finally "forgave" my parents for who they are, my outlook changed.  Suddenly I was able to focus on the life I wanted to live, my way.  Also, they picked up on my not needing them anymore, and they changed.  My dad is like a completely new person with me, and while it's never going to be where I'd love it to be, I accept what he can give.  The same with my mom.

I sort of hesitate to tell you that part because I don't want to give you a rosy ending, which may not work for you.  Let your son be your motivation, do it for your son.  Instead of wishing for the parents you never had, and never will, BE the parent you want to be for your son.  You can make a family too; they don't need to be blood relatives.

Life is a struggle every day, but there's lots of good here.  I noticed another poster mentioned that you may need a new therapist, and after reading your post I felt the same.  Could you try someone new?

You need to hear that it's okay to lead the life you want to live without feeling guilty.  Free yourself.  Be well.

[/quote]

OP here. Thanks for your note. Yes, I agree, part of the reason for not cutting my parents out is the difficulty in letting go of the idea that one day we will have a different relationship. I do not find it easy to forgive them for the behavior they display in the present. If they were anybody else besides "family", I would have cut them off completely because of their behavior. For years, I've been thinking I really need to cut them out and have been managing by reducing the frequency of interactions. But recently something happened that is really making it hard for me to continue a relationship with them and brought back all the past hurt. I won't go into all the details; the short story is my parents recently organized a major "family" trip back to their home country where they had not been for 20 years, to introduce us (I have 3 siblings who have kids also) to extended family, but at a time when I couldn't go for work related reasons, and they weren't willing to compromise their plans and go at a different time. It's a huge trip, and may not ever happen again (a 12 h plane ride, difficult place to travel to). After they had returned from the trip, they called me a week later to ask me to contact their physicians to ask about medications, and to attend some medical appointments with them, and also wanted to mention it was their 40th anniversary coming up and they wanted to give me enough notice to help organize a big party for them.

I'm tired of being a doormat for them and existing only to meet their needs. I appreciate everyone's responses. It is helpful to hear that some have made this decision and it's turning out fine. The PP who made the point about my son seeing how my parents treat me may not be such a good thing was helpful. So far I have decided to block their emails. They call when they need something but they haven't for a while because I blew up during that last call when they wanted to me organize their 40th anniversary celebration, all the while not acknowledging that I wasn't able to come on the trip. What I have to get over is the idea that I'm a "bad" daughter for turning my back on them. Please keep the stories coming, they are really helpful.
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