For those of you coasting along in a "meh" marriage, why not just end it?
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Anonymous
| OP - I doesn't sound like you just have a "meh" marriage, in which you've grown apart, but instead a marriage in which your DH has emotionally checked out. I think there is a big difference between letting things slide and ignoring an SO's emotional, physical and financial needs. There's something going on with your husband - maybe depression, maybe an inability to share deep emotions with others, maybe really poor modeling by his parents. And you're numb because you're burned out from dealing with this. So, yes, I will say that you need couples counseling, and that if he won't go you need to own therapist to help you. |
Anonymous
| OP, Stay at moms may not contribute by bringing home a paychec, but they contribute by being emotionally present for spouse and kids, and by doing daily tasks like cooking, shopping, scheduling, being home for the repairman, things like that. Seems like youa re equating your husband to a stay-at-home dad and while me may stay home, sounds like he's doing nothing emotionally to be involved with you or your child. That would make me leave. I think teh tipping point would be the anger over the diapers. I think if I were you, I'd have left right then. |
Anonymous
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OP - I am in an almost identical situation. Emotionally, financially, everything. I am having a very difficult time allowing the "meh" relationship to continue. I am also not sure that I believe that being together is the best for the kids (dunno for sure... going back and forth on this). The reason I say that is that I feel that each year, I am more emotionally and physically checked out of my relationship... honestly, if he went out and found another woman to have sex with - my opinion would be "great he will leave me alone"...
I feel that the more checked out you are, in addition to the less he contributes financially (without trying to compensate in other areas), it makes a partner angry and bitter. At the moment my thoughts are that just because I am a mom doesn't mean that I don't deserve a true companion... life is short and what we make it and if you are happy, your children will be happy. Actually - you didn't mention your children's ages - mine are 2 and 3 so that might make a difference. Anyway, i haven't made any decisions one way or another but I don't want to continue such an empty life. We have done the counselling in the past and not really sure I am ready to re-start the cycle... I am for the first time in many evenings truly relaxed b/c the kids are in bed and he is out... |
Anonymous
| bump. Oldie but goodie. I'm currently really struggling with this question and need help. |
Anonymous
| I am a sahm, staying for the money. I will rethink when dc goes to K and I hopefully have more work opportunities (I cannot legally work now but this will change in a few years I hope). |
Anonymous
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OP, what you describe sounds worse than "meh." I don't buy the "stay for the children's sake" argument. Your children need happy parents. If they can't have two happy parents, one happy parent is better than none. I think you should consider separation and divorce.
First, if you are even thinking about divorce, get your ducks lined up. Speak to a lawyer, and think through the various possible issues. Money? Bank accounts? Debts? Would you move out? Ask him to move? Custody? Alimony/Palimony? Relocation? Child support? Etc. Don't wait to think about this until after you tell him you want to separate. If you can even begin to imagine ever feeling fond of him, ever, then give him a last chance: tell him (after doing the above) that you want to separate and probably divorce, but you are willing to give it a last chance if he will commit to going to counseling with you. f he agrees, give it an honest try. If he doesn't, end the marriage. I was in your shoes five years ago... I got divorced and have NEVER regretted it for one single second. Our children (who live with me six days a week) are happy and secure, and ironically, seeing them only one day a week actually forced my ex to figure out, for the first time, how to be a parent. I think even he would admit that his relationship with the kids is much stronger no than it was before we split. |
Anonymous
| I'm in a "meh" marriage, but not the type OP describes. My husband is a good father, and does a lot for our son (cooking him food, playing with him, dropping him off and picking him up from daycare). Unfortunately, our personality types are just very different (I'm more free spirited, he's more rigid) and we just don't have that much in common any more. We enjoy spending time as a family with our son, but we don't have that much to talk about besides our son. I don't want to leave the relationship, it is working well enough. DH is a good dad, and I definitely admire and appreciate him for that. |
Anonymous
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I'm about OP's age group. Aging parents, kids are getting older, and marriage was "meh" but getting better. The turning point was I got to my breaking point and couldn't live that way any longer. I felt like a single parent and he only added his 2 cents when money was involved. If my husband no longer wanted to be involved in our marriage, then I wanted to have the freedom of finding someone who did.
Asking for a divorce was a major wake up call for my DH. I don't think he really knew how unhappy I was. He asked me to give him a chance to work through things. We both made lists of things we wanted each other to work on and we both made an effort to improve our marriage. We aren't perfect, but the important thing is that we both began making more of an effort. Carving time everyday to talk uninterrupted (at least 15 minutes helps), carving time for a date night at least twice a month, and sex on a regular basis also helped us to grow back together as a couple. If my husband had not made an effort to work with me and improve things, I would have divorced him. I was not just saying that to him for shock value. I had already researched an attorney and laid out a plan on how to begin the process. Don't settle for "meh". Demand better or leave so you can find better. |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
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Well, my husband left a "meh" marriage. He described it to me as they ran a house together and that was about it. Toward the end, he was sleeping on the couch every night, and they didn't do anything as a family. (I have a stepchild.) If DH took DSS out to dinner, the ex wife stayed home and vice versa. They did nothing together outside of attending DSS's sporting events and parent-teacher conferences. My husband tried everything (my MIL backs this up)- he tried planning vacations- she didn't want to spend the money. He bought jewelry and lingerie- she said she'd never wear it and asked him to take it all back. He told her he was unhappy with their sex life- she said sex was "nasty." It became too much. My husband is a great spouse- truly. I think he did everything he could to make that marriage work, and would have been happy being married if only he'd been thrown a damn bone. But you can only be miserable for so long. Toward the end, he took on a second job not because they needed the money- but because it was an opportunity for him to avoid going home. He worked an additional 30 hours+ a week JUST because it was better than being home.
So, he asked for a divorce. I know he suffers from divorced-parent guilt. But he also knows that his son knew his parents weren't happy- he was 10 when they divorced, and old enough to know that his dad slept on the couch and they never did anything as a family anymore and if everyone was home, each of them were in separate rooms doing their own thing. I think my husband had to choose between letting his son down by growing up in an unhappy family, or letting his son down by divorcing, but giving him a chance to grow up in *two* happy homes. That's what he chose. I know he hates not seeing his son every single day. I know that kills him. But he's given his son a happy family in our home, and a sibling that my stepson adores (our daughter). And also, he gave himself a chance to be happy. He doesn't dread coming home in the evenings anymore; we have fun together and have an active, healthy, happy relationship. We joke, we enjoy time together, we have sex, we raise the kids, we spend time with each other's families- it's not perfect, because nobody's life is. But it is the marriage and family life my husband wanted and felt he deserved. It took him years to do what he did in asking for the divorce- 7 years of marriage hell, after a couple "pretty good" (to use his words) first years. Seven years he stuck around just for his son, hoping it would get better. It didn't though, so he made his choice. You too have the same choice. |
Anonymous
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My husband and I are currently ripping it all up and starting from scratch - we are even separated. We've been actively working on our marriage since the start of the year. We have a young child and had an AWFUL year last year, and the year before that was pretty bad too. But last year was particularly awful because he had an emotional affair and his close friendship with her sucked all his energy up and left nothing for me (though they didn't plot to be together or openly acknowledge attraction, they just got very close and I have no doubt there was flirting etc. but nothing overt which made it take forever to end because he could justify they were "just friends"). He also projected his self-loathing for what he was doing on to me and framed it in his mind as if we had nothing in common, I was cold and withdrawn, lacked passion for life, etc. He was an inpatient, frustrated asshole, and even got frustrated with our toddler.
Marriage counseling helps and having our own space with defined time together (instead of dead time hanging around the house) has really helped, though it's also been scary and unsettling at times. We have dedicated family time, he continues to help with house duties and coparenting, we do therapy once a week, we talk every night, and we are finally venturing into date nights again. Not quite ready for sex yet (yeah, things were that bad. We had just totally disconnected). It is the hardest thing I've ever done and it is very scary, because you have to open up a lot and you have to, HAVE TO, risk getting close again and having the other person pull away and decide to leave. That is really scary but ultimately I've decided I would rather fall in love with him again and risk a broken heart then continue to live this way or just give up on the marriage. We've been together a long time and have a lot of baggage. It's a lot of work. It's hard. You have to make changes and change is hard. You have to learn not to be distracted from pain and that is tough in our socity - we are great avoiders. I won't say that you both have to be willing, at first. I think it takes a wake up call for both of you, but I have to say my husband was really focused on divorce for a while and I just tried to be patient, and not go crazy, and be understanding even when I didn't always understand, and kind, and it did work to bring us closer. We have found a healthier way to fight, and to talk and not fight. Now I feel I have to manage my expectations. I don't want "meh", but I don't want a romantic comedy ending (or at least don't want to set myself up to expect it). |
Anonymous
| I stay b/c of the kids - DH and I get along but rare emotional support - absolutely no spark. Never. But as I weigh the options, I am not sure I will find a better happiness. |
Anonymous
I am this poster Ironically my husband was married before, and I thought his ex was to blame things were not working Now I understand her very well He is not interested in family life He is better with our son tan he was with his daughter as far as I can tell, but that's that |
Anonymous
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I know it sounds cliche, but we recently started instituting "date night" Once a week or 2, we go to dinner, a movie, even to Target together. No phones, laptops, or watching tv while doing errands around the house. We just hang out together. Its really helped reignite our connection and allowed us to have a good time together.
If we are both home, we are working, doing laundry, chores, playing on the internet, etc. We dont connect. Forcing ourselves to leave the house, even for a couple hours, lets us having a good time and remember how much fun we are together. If you are hesitant to just do dinner and be "forced" to talk for 2 hrs, try a comedy club. either it will be funny and you'll laugh together, or it will suck and you can spend the rest of the evening mocking the comic (not to his face, of course). Good luck! |
Anonymous
Date mite sounds great in theory, but it's at least 40 bucks a nite in babysitting alone, if we can get a sitter (we have a child w/special needs so need adult, qualified sitter). Don't suggest trading w/friends...our child is really tough to handle. Therapy is out for,the same reason. |