For those of you coasting along in a "meh" marriage, why not just end it?

[Anonymous]

I imagine if I shared my situation with my best (unmarried) girlfriends, they'd see it as a prelude to an announcement that I'm done with this marriage. Suffice it to say DH has scraped all of the romantic joy from our relationship. I have a stable household with marvelous children I enjoy beyond all reason. Parenthood has been great. My life, I say, is good. Outside of DH, my only real complaint is my hair. I'm a very lucky woman.

I'm a very lucky woman, that is, aside from this wedded thing. This marriage *very* quickly became an empty relationship. We don't talk about anything much. We don't do anything together. Our activities in the house don't really overlap much. And all of this is without rancor. There's a lot of "meh" and "whatever" cluttering up this house.

The 19-year-old feminist that lives in my head is outraged. The forty-something body I occupy just can't be bothered, so I just work around the lump on the couch.

Are you in a similar situation? Did you leave something like this behind? Is this just No Big Deal, a marriage like a lot of our grandparents maybe had?

[Anonymous]

Get over it you are not 19 anymore, you need to realize that and why is it only your husbands fault, maybe he feels the same about you. Try talking to him about it and keep pressing the issues instead of ignoring them

[Anonymous]

OP, this is why so many people divorce once the kids are off at college. I'm not sure I would necessarily leave before then given what you have described, but you could. My marriage is going from horrible to meh, so I think about thsi a lot, and try not to let hte things that happened in the horrible times pollute the meh too much. I keep hoping if it is a forward trajectory that we might get beyond meh before the kids leave for college, but who knows?

[Anonymous]

The problem here is that you do not seem to care enough to either make your marriage better, or end it.

Our grandparents may have lived like this only because divorce was out of the question, so this "meh" attitude was more livable long-term than continual fighting.

Everyone probably goes through a "meh" period(s). What matters is what you do about it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, same boat. I'm staying for the money. As in, neither of us earn enough to live alone, but together, it's a nice enough lifestyle.

Is it "no big deal"? Maybe for some. Me, I miss intimacy, and fun, and friendship, and trust. I miss it so much it aches. We don't fight, but that doesn't mean I don't hurt.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thanks to the PPs who shared some of their own thinking. Part of what makes all of this so perplexing is wondering if this is just marriage. Is this just what happens after you send your wedding gown off to be cleaned? Does this happen to everybody? It really seems to be the marriage my husband wants. He worked diligently to push the fun out of this relationship. The extent to which "intimacy, and fun, and friendship, and trust" (poster 17:06) have evaporated is astonishing.

As for less-helpful posters like 16:49, I have attempted in every way I know how to address this with my husband. I have gotten angry; I've tried logic, dialoguing, exploring options; I've cried a lot; I've tried modeling a different, more active type of lifestyle for him to see; I've tried to make special date nights; I've tried to go to the supermarket or cook together; I've alternately tried to include him in my work life and have tried creating an intimate space for just the two of us; I've tried, I've tried, I've tried. (Now go be mean to somebody else.)

And to the poster who suggested I don't care enough, if I appear a bit numb it's because this has been crumbling around me for a long while.

[Anonymous]

Short answer to why not just end it: the children. They won't be children forever, but as long as there is really no rancor, they will be much happier in an intact family than shuttling between households and maybe even having to adjust to stepparents. Put them first for now.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation, except that on occasion, my husband and I have fun together. Not often, but on occasion. I think my son is happier with us being together, and our financial situation is much better this way. I don't feel like being with anyone else, so what is the point of ending things?

[Anonymous]

Well if you're not going to end it, what do you want from us? Find some friends and complain to them. Life is short.

[Anonymous]

It's better for the kids if you stay together. With what you describe, at least. I wouldn't stay in an abusive or even "merely" disrespectful marriage. But "meh" is worth staying for. The kids will be better off for it.

[Anonymous]

16:59 here. I suggested you might not care enough because I too was in the same situation a few years ago - I took drastic measures, and finally pulled us both through. Of course, not saying this would work for you or your husband. Also, one or both of you might need help for depression.

After storming and cajoling did not help, I threatened to leave DH and divorce. That woke him up.

I wanted to get counseling for both of us, but he refused. So I read a ton of self-help books - most of them junk - and understood that I have to model good behavior (like you did) but also expect him to act in the same way. Called him out respectfully but firmly every time he acted in a disrespectful and disinterested way.

It took maybe 2 years of grueling sniping and talks of respect, boundaries, etc. But he understood that he had to get involved in our lives (DC and mine) and spend time with us enjoying the little things. He has learned all over again what behavior ticks me off, what makes me happy, etc. Reconnecting after loss of trust/love is hard work, and sometimes you feel as if all the hard work is done by you! But trying to reconnect again might pay off. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Thank you 21:33. OP here. It's definitely food for thought. The hard part is just feeling overwhelmed at even that two year investment. Boy, that's a long time to push through disappointment and still make every effort. It may, however, be preferable to the 50 years of sighs I'm now looking at.

Wasn't it Bette Davis who said old age isn't for sissies? Excusing the outdated terminology, she may as well have been talking about marriage. This is the biggest work of my life---and I have children, a demanding job, and elderly parents! But each of those elements of my life grow with the effort I dedicate to it. Job tasks are completed. Children learn, change, thrive. I listen and learn from my children and we work better together over time. It's hard and great, great work. Even my parents (a tough, ferociously independent couple) are as gracious as they know how to be about the life adjustments they're forced to make with their seriously declining health. DH sabotages the joy-making. He cuts himself out of the broader family life. He ignores.

After an evening of night terrors and sleeplessness, I confided in DH that I was afraid for myself, that I had these scary vivid dreams that were too horrible to say out loud and that my pattern of not sleeping had gotten to the point where I was afraid for my health. Lots of pressure, deadline at work, etc. He didn't respond. The next words out of his mouth: "Oh, here's the charger." From his point of view, none of what I'd just said had anything to do with him. We talked it out and he understands what my expectations were in that situation. But, I also learned (again!) not to look to him for emotional soothing or support.

I have nearly all of the responsibilities of a single mom---except transport to and from daycare and occasional child care from him. He is loathe to contribute financially. When I pointed out to him that never in our son's life had he ever bought him diapers and that it was his turn, I was tapped out for the moment having just filled the kitchen with food, he really lost it! He literally threatened to leave us because I'd suggested that he didn't contribute. Uh, he doesn't really. In addition to diapers, I'm the one who buys the kids' food and clothing. Every baby blanket, every pair of shoes. I pay for the babysitter, the event tickets. The house is mine. He contributes a small amount to the mortgage, but, for example, has refused to help winterize the house to help keep down the PEPCO bill. Old house, $300 bill this month. Come on, man.

TO BE CLEAR: The money piece doesn't bother me in the least. Think of all of the DCUM SAHMs who benefit from their DH's paycheck. I am very comfortable being the provider here. This is NOT an issue for me. It's all of the other myriad ways he could be contributing that he does not: the emotional support, the kindness, the willing spirit, the fix-it guy, the charming man I used to know.

I am not a domineering woman. I work hard, love strongly, and value the people in my life. I like pancakes and laughing deep belly laughs and working out at the gym. I nurture my children, I affirm my husband, I support my parents. Again, aside from DH all I've got to complain about is my hair.

He has a different vision of what marriage means, perhaps. I've exhausted myself with sports metaphors and discussion of how Kobe Bryant's on court communication style contributes to the success of the team.

Sorry for the long post. I have to go get the kids ready for school now.

[Anonymous]

I'm single, in part because I've never been good at "meh." For some reason, when I'm done with a guy, I am DONE. If I felt "meh" about someone, I'd become repulsed at the idea of spending time with him. I wouldn't be able to stand being in the same house with him.

So I can't really empathize with your situation, because you're clearly different than me - you have a higher "meh" tolerance - but I can sympathize.

I think it's somewhat admirable to stay in a lifeless marriage to lessen the impact on the kids. If you're truly getting along without rancor, then maybe this will work. That said, do you want to stay with him after the kids are gone? And if you plan to leave, do you want your kids to be completely thrown because they never realized there were issues? Or do you want them to end up in the same type of marriages as you, because they've never seen anything different? Kids sometimes model their relationships on what they see at home. (which is probably why I'm not married; I've never found a guy who loved me as much as my dad loved my mom, who I also loved.) I'm not saying this is necessarily a bad idea, to stay, just saying that you really need to consider all the possible outcomes.

Plus it makes me sad that you are missing out on love and passion, when maybe you both could have that with someone else. Yeah, running 2 households is not ideal financially and it can be a pain in the butt. I know I shoulder a lot more of the child-care because my ex and I are not in the same house. but my two-year-old is the happiest kid you will ever see. She's never known her parents living in the same house; two houses is just her normal.

[Anonymous]

OP - you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Your husband really sounds like he sucks. It's not clear to me - is he employed even? Is he a good father? I'm confused because in your last post it doesn't sound like you have a "meh" marriage - it sounds like it's downright miserable and since you sound pretty cool, I'm blaming your husband.

[Anonymous]

DH knows some things about me that would be embarrassing/awkward at work. Meanwhile, I'm ramping up my war chest for when the last kid goes off to college. The kids will not be surprised, but DH will never know what hit him.