Reply to For those of you coasting along in a "meh" marriage, why not just end it?

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Reply to "For those of you coasting along in a "meh" marriage, why not just end it?"

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[quote=Anonymous]My husband and I are currently ripping it all up and starting from scratch - we are even separated. We've been actively working on our marriage since the start of the year. We have a young child and had an AWFUL year last year, and the year before that was pretty bad too. But last year was particularly awful because he had an emotional affair and his close friendship with her sucked all his energy up and left nothing for me  (though they didn't plot to be together or openly acknowledge attraction, they just got very close and I have no doubt there was flirting etc. but nothing overt which made it take forever to end because he could justify they were "just friends"). He also projected his self-loathing for what he was doing on to me and framed it in his mind as if we had nothing in common, I was cold and withdrawn, lacked passion for life, etc. He was an inpatient, frustrated asshole, and even got frustrated with our toddler.

Marriage counseling helps and having our own space with defined time together (instead of dead time hanging around the house) has really helped, though it's also been scary and unsettling at times. We have dedicated family time, he continues to help with house duties and coparenting, we do therapy once a week, we talk every night, and we are finally venturing into date nights again. Not quite ready for sex yet (yeah, things were that bad. We had just totally disconnected).

It is the hardest thing I've ever done and it is very scary, because you have to open up a lot and you have to, HAVE TO, risk getting close again and having the other person pull away and decide to leave. That is really scary but ultimately I've decided I would rather fall in love with him again and risk a broken heart then continue to live this way or just give up on the marriage. We've been together a long time and have a lot of baggage. It's a lot of work. It's hard. You have to make changes and change is hard. You have to learn not to be  distracted from pain and that is tough in our socity - we are great avoiders.

I won't say that you both have to be willing, at first. I think it takes a wake up call for both of you, but I have to say my husband was really focused on divorce for a while and I just tried to be patient, and not go crazy, and be understanding even when I didn't always understand, and kind, and it did work to bring us closer. We have found a healthier way to fight, and to talk and not fight. Now I feel I have to manage my expectations. I don't want "meh", but I don't want a romantic comedy ending (or at least  don't want to set myself up to expect it). [/quote]

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