For those of you coasting along in a "meh" marriage, why not just end it?

[Anonymous]

PP, sounds liKe that can put a ton of stress on your marriage. It's probably even more important that you two get out.

[Anonymous]

This is an old thread. OP, are you still around? Update?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am in an almost identical situation. Emotionally, financially, everything. I am having a very difficult time allowing the "meh" relationship to continue. I am also not sure that I believe that being together is the best for the kids (dunno for sure... going back and forth on this). The reason I say that is that I feel that each year, I am more emotionally and physically checked out of my relationship... honestly, if he went out and found another woman to have sex with - my opinion would be "great he will leave me alone"...

I feel that the more checked out you are, in addition to the less he contributes financially (without trying to compensate in other areas), it makes a partner angry and bitter. At the moment my thoughts are that just because I am a mom doesn't mean that I don't deserve a true companion... life is short and what we make it and if you are happy, your children will be happy. Actually - you didn't mention your children's ages - mine are 2 and 3 so that might make a difference.

Anyway, i haven't made any decisions one way or another but I don't want to continue such an empty life. We have done the counselling in the past and not really sure I am ready to re-start the cycle... I am for the first time in many evenings truly relaxed b/c the kids are in bed and he is out...

This. I'm an unmarried single mom of a small DD and while it's hard OP, your situation sounds even tougher. You better believe that when my little cutie is old enough that I can get out of these sweat pants and actually look decent, I'm going to date up a storm and find a good guy if I can. Just because I'm a single mom doesn't mean I don't deserve a shot at finding a great partner, and similarly just because marriage #1 didn't work out for you doesn't mean you don't deserve the same. Inertia is a powerful enemy, OP, and life truly is short. Take a deep breath, put things in place to prepare the kids for the aftermath, and jump. You won't regret it.

Oh, and everyone saying that the current situation is "better" for the kids? Wrong. As a well-adjusted adult of two parents who kindly navigated an absolute soap opera of a divorce, I can truly say that I'm thrilled they didn't sacrifice their own happiness to maintain the appearance of a strong marriage that my sister and I would've never bought anyway. Kids are smart, people. We see what's going on. Better to model intelligent navigation of conflict than dogged maintenance of a traditional illusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm single, in part because I've never been good at "meh." For some reason, when I'm done with a guy, I am DONE. If I felt "meh" about someone, I'd become repulsed at the idea of spending time with him. I wouldn't be able to stand being in the same house with him.

So I can't really empathize with your situation, because you're clearly different than me - you have a higher "meh" tolerance - but I can sympathize.

I think it's somewhat admirable to stay in a lifeless marriage to lessen the impact on the kids. If you're truly getting along without rancor, then maybe this will work. That said, do you want to stay with him after the kids are gone? And if you plan to leave, do you want your kids to be completely thrown because they never realized there were issues? Or do you want them to end up in the same type of marriages as you, because they've never seen anything different? Kids sometimes model their relationships on what they see at home. (which is probably why I'm not married; I've never found a guy who loved me as much as my dad loved my mom, who I also loved.) I'm not saying this is necessarily a bad idea, to stay, just saying that you really need to consider all the possible outcomes.

Plus it makes me sad that you are missing out on love and passion, when maybe you both could have that with someone else. Yeah, running 2 households is not ideal financially and it can be a pain in the butt. I know I shoulder a lot more of the child-care because my ex and I are not in the same house. but my two-year-old is the happiest kid you will ever see. She's never known her parents living in the same house; two houses is just her normal.

She's two. When she's older and meets children who don't come from broken homes, she'll notice.