Frustration with 2e/gifted child

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Have you explored SPACE therapy? Its usually used for OCD but it can be used in other situations. It basically teaches you how to change your behavior, and to slowly stop accommodating bad behavior, which in turn changes your child’s behavior. Very helpful when the kid refuses therapy. Anyways, know that you’re not alone in facing such a challenging situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Hugs

From 12-14 can be really challenging ages. It gets better.
I had a couple of ideas:

1- Family therapy. Everyone. All together with a new therapist, just so everyone feels it’s fair.
2- Your daughter needs to meet with a psychiatrist. It worries me the way she is talking. And, a psychiatrist can prescribe mediation and it seems like she may need that.
3- The doctor & psychiatrist need to write a list of medical disorders that can cause behavior like this. You might want to take her to an endocrinologist or autoimmune specialist. For example: Hartnup disease causes one of the B-vitamins to be very low from malabsorption, and a Pellagra & acting out can happen. Certain types of Porphyria can cause psychiatric symptoms. Make a list and have her tested, just to be sure. I have read stories of people committed & then a test gets done and they recover. That doesn’t mean your daughter has a medical disorders, but it’s worth looking into because it does happen.
4- It sounds like you don’t like your daughter. You are human, and she’s acting out, but try to stay calm. Kids can tell which parents like them or not, and if you are her Mom. Feeling unliked by your Mom hurts. (I know.) Maybe set up something once a week for a hour or two that’s fun to do together?
5- Is there an away camp this summer that she would love to do that you can afford? This would give you both a break from each other and a chance to reset.
Plus, if she really wants to be at the camp, she’s going to be motivated to clean her room, show up for meals, show up for activities, ect…

Hang in there OP.

Thank you, and to others who have offered guidance.

I think we are going to see if we can actually shift our daughter’s therapist into a family therapist role. I agree with you that I think this would be more helpful. The one on one has not been fruitful, and I feel like her siblings need support and DH and I could use support in figuring out how to navigate her challenges.

Our daughter pretty much has a phobia and complete mistrust of all healthcare providers and pretty much anyone in a position of authority. The amount of resentment she has toward us for sending her to various endocrinologists cannot be understated.

We sent her on a sleep away camp last year for 6 days and you would have thought we sent her to Siberia based on her report. She absolutely hated it and did not want us to ever send her to a sleep away camp again. It is pretty much her worst nightmare- having to deal with new people, new routines, and not having her own private space and not having me and DH cater to all her weird “princess and the pea” whims and specific conditions that she must have, and not having foods prepared specifically to her liking.

It was heaven for DH and I though, as it was the first time in 13 years that we had more than 2 days to ourselves, not having to cater to our kids very specific desires and listen to the constant complaining. We will never live it down though, she is so resentful that we sent her there. We’ll never experience that freedom again until all of the kids are adults. She pretty made us promise that we’d never send her to asleep away camp ever again.

I mean… I think I will always love my daughter. She’s my flesh and blood. But so much has been said. This is sad to say but you’re right that I don’t think I like her anymore. I don’t think she’s a good person based on her behavior. Just so self-centered and has never shown any gratitude or compassion, and her words towards her family are caustic and abusive. I could forgive it when she was young but she’s approaching being a young adult now, and she’s fully aware of the impact of her words and actions.

I am hurting. Maybe I need to take a breath. I’ve done 3 years of therapy to deal with the challenges of raising her. And to deal with a husband who is very much like her and has only changed and matured in his 40s. And deal with my own issues.

I’m so grateful to hear from those who have been through this. It is hard. And I really appreciate the wisdom that’s been shared here.

[Anonymous]

Send her to boarding school. You are enabling her and she is taking advantage of it.

[Anonymous]

Check out Harmony Heights. I think they no longer board and only take day students, but may be able to suggest a therapeutic boarding school near you.

[Anonymous]

You mentioned your husband is just like her?
Is your husband is being horribly verbally abusive to you (or worse)?
If so, a divorce might be the first step to having things calm down. You would get half of the time free with joint custody & no adult treating you this way. You could recharge so you would be in a better mind set to raise her.

I think family therapy is a good idea reguardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s smart, maybe she just needs a 504?
That would give her standard accommodations like extra time, quite place for test, ect…..without the peer stigma of other students knowing she was an IEP? I don’t think there should be a stigma, but kids talk. Is there something at the High school that IEP kids do, like mandatory one period is study hall or tutoring, that indicates she has an IEP? It could be other kids figured out she had an IEP in middle school and teased her about it.

For work or college , they just give 504 accommodations anyways.

She will not be the only smart kid with an IEP. Social stigma sounds like the least of her issues. She is in crisis and doesn't get a vote in what services she needs.

Good point. Getting her stabilized this summer is #1.

[Anonymous]

This sounds incredibly hard. I’m so sorry for all you have been and are still going through.

Have you happened to read through this thread:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1320846.page

There are some parallels to your situation and perhaps some more perspectives and advice to consider.

Wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned your husband is just like her?
Is your husband is being horribly verbally abusive to you (or worse)?
If so, a divorce might be the first step to having things calm down. You would get half of the time free with joint custody & no adult treating you this way. You could recharge so you would be in a better mind set to raise her.

I think family therapy is a good idea reguardless.

He USED to be. We had a come to Jesus moment a few years ago and he has genuinely changed. It was a bit of a work in progress for me to accept that he’s not the same person anymore and to let go of a lot of the hurt and resentment I carried from those earlier years. It also really helped that he stopped working full time. I think for a long time he was overwhelmed and exhausted from his full time job and he was just so angry and irritable from it and he brought that stress home. Now he’s able to spend at least 20 hours a week pursuing his own hobbies and he’s less irritable. He’s also matured, and mellowed out a bit in his 50s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds incredibly hard. I’m so sorry for all you have been and are still going through.

Have you happened to read through this thread:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1320846.page

There are some parallels to your situation and perhaps some more perspectives and advice to consider.

Wishing you all the best.

Thanks for sharing that - yes, seems to be a similar situation I’m dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check out Harmony Heights. I think they no longer board and only take day students, but may be able to suggest a therapeutic boarding school near you.

We have actually briefly talked about boarding school.

I have considered moving and switching schools for our daughter since she seems to be so unhappy. The friends I helped her make are no longer close with her because she doesn’t reciprocate and she makes no effort to be a friend. And she’s too old now for me to help her make and keep friends. But mostly she has no desire or need for friends.

When I asked how she might feel about moving/changing schools to do a fresh start/restart, she hated the idea because everything would be the same and said she would only like the idea if she could get away from us, because we are the ones who are making her life a living hell.

So I asked her if the thought of boarding school appealed to her. It did not. She said it would just be strangers telling her what to do instead of parents, which was even worse. And basically the insults followed - how can I be so stupid to think that might be a good idea, blah blah.

[Anonymous]

You're giving her a lot of power to be involved in decisionmaking and it doesn't sound like she is really in a place to make good decisions. I think individual therapy (for you) or family therapy is a good idea, and you might want to look into family systems therapy. It's a specialized approach that addresses the whole family, and it might be harder to find therapists who do it, but it has worked for people I know.

[Anonymous]

And maybe stop catering to her so much. Take a break. If she is picky about food, only go out of your way if she is polite. Step away from being her punching bag.

[Anonymous]

The IEP is not her decision. There is a reason parents have legal decision making rights. She definitely needs the IEP and then some.

If she can't make progress in therapy, you may want to look into residential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And maybe stop catering to her so much. Take a break. If she is picky about food, only go out of your way if she is polite. Step away from being her punching bag.

+1. Disengage. It will not get much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had a thought- could it be that she has a personality disorder and that is the real issue?

Agree 100 percent.