Frustration with 2e/gifted child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And maybe stop catering to her so much. Take a break. If she is picky about food, only go out of your way if she is polite. Step away from being her punching bag.

+1
Why are you indulging her picky eating and taking all of this verbal abuse? Don't engage. Ignore. Leave the room.

Personally, I would clean her room, launder her clothes, and cook regular meals that the rest of the family is eating. If she complains, offer to drive her to the grocery store so she can buy ingredients for a meal that she wants to cook. If she starts yelling, then leave the room.

If she starts talking about wanting you dead, then say "that is a hurtful thing to say" and leave the room. If she starts yelling at or engaging with her siblings in an inappropriate way, then take them and leave the house to drive to the park or somewhere else.

You don't have to put up with her abuse.

This is actually a big thing I took away from the advice on this thread, and I have been doing it, and it has been much, much better.

I detached myself. Very little conflict, because I just refuse to engage with her when she tries to start a fight with me. I did start cleaning her room regularly, preparing all her meals, and cleaning up after her, and that's pretty much eliminated all the nagging. I told her I would be doing these things for her since she wasn't doing them, and it's been clear she has not been able to do them on her own. I don't nag her anymore about going to bed at a decent hour, or whether or not she eats the foods we prepare her.

She did freak out on me for cleaning her room, and putting her things away, because she doesn't want me touching her stuff, but I was non-emotional about it and told her I'd continue to do it as long as she wasn't doing it. I stopped trying to engage with her - because it only ever led to insults.

She still tries to spontaneously start fights with me, but I just tell her that I don't want to argue with her. I stopped doing anything special for her. She still asks me to do things for her, like run errands for her to pick up a special food for her. I just ignore them or tell her I'm not able to. I stopped greeting her in the morning, because she has always responded with something like "Go away" or "Go die".

It's made me realize I have complete control over my own reactions and my feelings. I think I was worried she'd be angrier that I was detaching, but she is actually less angry and seems a lot calmer.

I think that is a great approach, OP. Good for you, and keep it up!

It sounds like you have figured out a way to reduce conflict and settle the whole situation down which is good. Staying calm yourself is really important. And I agree that making her meals and minimally cleaning her room is a good idea. But, also, you are going to have to try to figure out how to get back in relationship with her. Her relationship with you is actually really important for her wellbeing even if she doesn't think so. Try looking for statements that she makes that you can validate some part of. Like she says, "I hate my little brother. He is a complete a-hole" and you say something like, "It makes sense to me that you are really frustrated with him. I think most people in your situation would be annoyed with how loud he is being at the moment." It is like threading a needle often to find something you can validate and then say it in a way that sounds natural. But, if you do, she will slightly soften because she will feel heard. This a DBT technique.

I feel like you just used DBT on me, well played 😉, I must admit it’s pretty effective!

This part is hard for me and something I’ll need to learn. That is…I can shut off my feelings and feel less invested, but it’s hard to do so while still trying to connect. Partly a principle thing, which always gets me into trouble, but it’s hard for me to break free from that way of thinking.

Also thank you for showing me what DBT looks like practically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And maybe stop catering to her so much. Take a break. If she is picky about food, only go out of your way if she is polite. Step away from being her punching bag.

+1
Why are you indulging her picky eating and taking all of this verbal abuse? Don't engage. Ignore. Leave the room.

Personally, I would clean her room, launder her clothes, and cook regular meals that the rest of the family is eating. If she complains, offer to drive her to the grocery store so she can buy ingredients for a meal that she wants to cook. If she starts yelling, then leave the room.

If she starts talking about wanting you dead, then say "that is a hurtful thing to say" and leave the room. If she starts yelling at or engaging with her siblings in an inappropriate way, then take them and leave the house to drive to the park or somewhere else.

You don't have to put up with her abuse.

This is actually a big thing I took away from the advice on this thread, and I have been doing it, and it has been much, much better.

I detached myself. Very little conflict, because I just refuse to engage with her when she tries to start a fight with me. I did start cleaning her room regularly, preparing all her meals, and cleaning up after her, and that's pretty much eliminated all the nagging. I told her I would be doing these things for her since she wasn't doing them, and it's been clear she has not been able to do them on her own. I don't nag her anymore about going to bed at a decent hour, or whether or not she eats the foods we prepare her.

She did freak out on me for cleaning her room, and putting her things away, because she doesn't want me touching her stuff, but I was non-emotional about it and told her I'd continue to do it as long as she wasn't doing it. I stopped trying to engage with her - because it only ever led to insults.

She still tries to spontaneously start fights with me, but I just tell her that I don't want to argue with her. I stopped doing anything special for her. She still asks me to do things for her, like run errands for her to pick up a special food for her. I just ignore them or tell her I'm not able to. I stopped greeting her in the morning, because she has always responded with something like "Go away" or "Go die".

It's made me realize I have complete control over my own reactions and my feelings. I think I was worried she'd be angrier that I was detaching, but she is actually less angry and seems a lot calmer.

I think that is a great approach, OP. Good for you, and keep it up!

It sounds like you have figured out a way to reduce conflict and settle the whole situation down which is good. Staying calm yourself is really important. And I agree that making her meals and minimally cleaning her room is a good idea. But, also, you are going to have to try to figure out how to get back in relationship with her. Her relationship with you is actually really important for her wellbeing even if she doesn't think so. Try looking for statements that she makes that you can validate some part of. Like she says, "I hate my little brother. He is a complete a-hole" and you say something like, "It makes sense to me that you are really frustrated with him. I think most people in your situation would be annoyed with how loud he is being at the moment." It is like threading a needle often to find something you can validate and then say it in a way that sounds natural. But, if you do, she will slightly soften because she will feel heard. This a DBT technique.

I feel like you just used DBT on me, well played 😉, I must admit it’s pretty effective!

This part is hard for me and something I’ll need to learn. That is…I can shut off my feelings and feel less invested, but it’s hard to do so while still trying to connect. Partly a principle thing, which always gets me into trouble, but it’s hard for me to break free from that way of thinking.

Effectively parenting a kid like your DD is incredibly difficult. Parents of typical kids have literally no idea. Staying calm with a person who is verbally attacking you and then looking for ways to have a positive connection is very hard and emotionally exhausting. You have my complete sympathies. But I also think you can do it and you need to do it because your kid needs you to. Sending you hugs. It will not always be this hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And maybe stop catering to her so much. Take a break. If she is picky about food, only go out of your way if she is polite. Step away from being her punching bag.

+1
Why are you indulging her picky eating and taking all of this verbal abuse? Don't engage. Ignore. Leave the room.

Personally, I would clean her room, launder her clothes, and cook regular meals that the rest of the family is eating. If she complains, offer to drive her to the grocery store so she can buy ingredients for a meal that she wants to cook. If she starts yelling, then leave the room.

If she starts talking about wanting you dead, then say "that is a hurtful thing to say" and leave the room. If she starts yelling at or engaging with her siblings in an inappropriate way, then take them and leave the house to drive to the park or somewhere else.

You don't have to put up with her abuse.

This is actually a big thing I took away from the advice on this thread, and I have been doing it, and it has been much, much better.

I detached myself. Very little conflict, because I just refuse to engage with her when she tries to start a fight with me. I did start cleaning her room regularly, preparing all her meals, and cleaning up after her, and that's pretty much eliminated all the nagging. I told her I would be doing these things for her since she wasn't doing them, and it's been clear she has not been able to do them on her own. I don't nag her anymore about going to bed at a decent hour, or whether or not she eats the foods we prepare her.

She did freak out on me for cleaning her room, and putting her things away, because she doesn't want me touching her stuff, but I was non-emotional about it and told her I'd continue to do it as long as she wasn't doing it. I stopped trying to engage with her - because it only ever led to insults.

She still tries to spontaneously start fights with me, but I just tell her that I don't want to argue with her. I stopped doing anything special for her. She still asks me to do things for her, like run errands for her to pick up a special food for her. I just ignore them or tell her I'm not able to. I stopped greeting her in the morning, because she has always responded with something like "Go away" or "Go die".

It's made me realize I have complete control over my own reactions and my feelings. I think I was worried she'd be angrier that I was detaching, but she is actually less angry and seems a lot calmer.

I think that is a great approach, OP. Good for you, and keep it up!

It sounds like you have figured out a way to reduce conflict and settle the whole situation down which is good. Staying calm yourself is really important. And I agree that making her meals and minimally cleaning her room is a good idea. But, also, you are going to have to try to figure out how to get back in relationship with her. Her relationship with you is actually really important for her wellbeing even if she doesn't think so. Try looking for statements that she makes that you can validate some part of. Like she says, "I hate my little brother. He is a complete a-hole" and you say something like, "It makes sense to me that you are really frustrated with him. I think most people in your situation would be annoyed with how loud he is being at the moment." It is like threading a needle often to find something you can validate and then say it in a way that sounds natural. But, if you do, she will slightly soften because she will feel heard. This a DBT technique.

I feel like you just used DBT on me, well played 😉, I must admit it’s pretty effective!

This part is hard for me and something I’ll need to learn. That is…I can shut off my feelings and feel less invested, but it’s hard to do so while still trying to connect. Partly a principle thing, which always gets me into trouble, but it’s hard for me to break free from that way of thinking.

Effectively parenting a kid like your DD is incredibly difficult. Parents of typical kids have literally no idea. Staying calm with a person who is verbally attacking you and then looking for ways to have a positive connection is very hard and emotionally exhausting. You have my complete sympathies. But I also think you can do it and you need to do it because your kid needs you to. Sending you hugs. It will not always be this hard.

I’m literally marveling at how you’re able to connect, understand, express empathy, and encourage and motivate someone to change. I don’t know how to do this. It’s too easy for me to shut down my feelings when I’m being attacked, along with the part of me that cares enough to try. But I hope I can learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And maybe stop catering to her so much. Take a break. If she is picky about food, only go out of your way if she is polite. Step away from being her punching bag.

+1
Why are you indulging her picky eating and taking all of this verbal abuse? Don't engage. Ignore. Leave the room.

Personally, I would clean her room, launder her clothes, and cook regular meals that the rest of the family is eating. If she complains, offer to drive her to the grocery store so she can buy ingredients for a meal that she wants to cook. If she starts yelling, then leave the room.

If she starts talking about wanting you dead, then say "that is a hurtful thing to say" and leave the room. If she starts yelling at or engaging with her siblings in an inappropriate way, then take them and leave the house to drive to the park or somewhere else.

You don't have to put up with her abuse.

This is actually a big thing I took away from the advice on this thread, and I have been doing it, and it has been much, much better.

I detached myself. Very little conflict, because I just refuse to engage with her when she tries to start a fight with me. I did start cleaning her room regularly, preparing all her meals, and cleaning up after her, and that's pretty much eliminated all the nagging. I told her I would be doing these things for her since she wasn't doing them, and it's been clear she has not been able to do them on her own. I don't nag her anymore about going to bed at a decent hour, or whether or not she eats the foods we prepare her.

She did freak out on me for cleaning her room, and putting her things away, because she doesn't want me touching her stuff, but I was non-emotional about it and told her I'd continue to do it as long as she wasn't doing it. I stopped trying to engage with her - because it only ever led to insults.

She still tries to spontaneously start fights with me, but I just tell her that I don't want to argue with her. I stopped doing anything special for her. She still asks me to do things for her, like run errands for her to pick up a special food for her. I just ignore them or tell her I'm not able to. I stopped greeting her in the morning, because she has always responded with something like "Go away" or "Go die".

It's made me realize I have complete control over my own reactions and my feelings. I think I was worried she'd be angrier that I was detaching, but she is actually less angry and seems a lot calmer.

I think that is a great approach, OP. Good for you, and keep it up!

It sounds like you have figured out a way to reduce conflict and settle the whole situation down which is good. Staying calm yourself is really important. And I agree that making her meals and minimally cleaning her room is a good idea. But, also, you are going to have to try to figure out how to get back in relationship with her. Her relationship with you is actually really important for her wellbeing even if she doesn't think so. Try looking for statements that she makes that you can validate some part of. Like she says, "I hate my little brother. He is a complete a-hole" and you say something like, "It makes sense to me that you are really frustrated with him. I think most people in your situation would be annoyed with how loud he is being at the moment." It is like threading a needle often to find something you can validate and then say it in a way that sounds natural. But, if you do, she will slightly soften because she will feel heard. This a DBT technique.

I feel like you just used DBT on me, well played 😉, I must admit it’s pretty effective!

This part is hard for me and something I’ll need to learn. That is…I can shut off my feelings and feel less invested, but it’s hard to do so while still trying to connect. Partly a principle thing, which always gets me into trouble, but it’s hard for me to break free from that way of thinking.

Effectively parenting a kid like your DD is incredibly difficult. Parents of typical kids have literally no idea. Staying calm with a person who is verbally attacking you and then looking for ways to have a positive connection is very hard and emotionally exhausting. You have my complete sympathies. But I also think you can do it and you need to do it because your kid needs you to. Sending you hugs. It will not always be this hard.

I’m literally marveling at how you’re able to connect, understand, express empathy, and encourage and motivate someone to change. I don’t know how to do this. It’s too easy for me to shut down my feelings when I’m being attacked, along with the part of me that cares enough to try. But I hope I can learn.

I appreciate all of your kind words. I'm able to connect because five years ago I was in the exact same situation you are in now. My 2e daughter is incredibly complex and difficult but she's also much better now than she was before we got effective help. I often enjoy being with her now, and we are really close, which I could not have imagined when we were in the worst of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And maybe stop catering to her so much. Take a break. If she is picky about food, only go out of your way if she is polite. Step away from being her punching bag.

+1
Why are you indulging her picky eating and taking all of this verbal abuse? Don't engage. Ignore. Leave the room.

Personally, I would clean her room, launder her clothes, and cook regular meals that the rest of the family is eating. If she complains, offer to drive her to the grocery store so she can buy ingredients for a meal that she wants to cook. If she starts yelling, then leave the room.

If she starts talking about wanting you dead, then say "that is a hurtful thing to say" and leave the room. If she starts yelling at or engaging with her siblings in an inappropriate way, then take them and leave the house to drive to the park or somewhere else.

You don't have to put up with her abuse.

This is actually a big thing I took away from the advice on this thread, and I have been doing it, and it has been much, much better.

I detached myself. Very little conflict, because I just refuse to engage with her when she tries to start a fight with me. I did start cleaning her room regularly, preparing all her meals, and cleaning up after her, and that's pretty much eliminated all the nagging. I told her I would be doing these things for her since she wasn't doing them, and it's been clear she has not been able to do them on her own. I don't nag her anymore about going to bed at a decent hour, or whether or not she eats the foods we prepare her.

She did freak out on me for cleaning her room, and putting her things away, because she doesn't want me touching her stuff, but I was non-emotional about it and told her I'd continue to do it as long as she wasn't doing it. I stopped trying to engage with her - because it only ever led to insults.

She still tries to spontaneously start fights with me, but I just tell her that I don't want to argue with her. I stopped doing anything special for her. She still asks me to do things for her, like run errands for her to pick up a special food for her. I just ignore them or tell her I'm not able to. I stopped greeting her in the morning, because she has always responded with something like "Go away" or "Go die".

It's made me realize I have complete control over my own reactions and my feelings. I think I was worried she'd be angrier that I was detaching, but she is actually less angry and seems a lot calmer.

I think that is a great approach, OP. Good for you, and keep it up!

It sounds like you have figured out a way to reduce conflict and settle the whole situation down which is good. Staying calm yourself is really important. And I agree that making her meals and minimally cleaning her room is a good idea. But, also, you are going to have to try to figure out how to get back in relationship with her. Her relationship with you is actually really important for her wellbeing even if she doesn't think so. Try looking for statements that she makes that you can validate some part of. Like she says, "I hate my little brother. He is a complete a-hole" and you say something like, "It makes sense to me that you are really frustrated with him. I think most people in your situation would be annoyed with how loud he is being at the moment." It is like threading a needle often to find something you can validate and then say it in a way that sounds natural. But, if you do, she will slightly soften because she will feel heard. This a DBT technique.

I feel like you just used DBT on me, well played 😉, I must admit it’s pretty effective!

This part is hard for me and something I’ll need to learn. That is…I can shut off my feelings and feel less invested, but it’s hard to do so while still trying to connect. Partly a principle thing, which always gets me into trouble, but it’s hard for me to break free from that way of thinking.

Effectively parenting a kid like your DD is incredibly difficult. Parents of typical kids have literally no idea. Staying calm with a person who is verbally attacking you and then looking for ways to have a positive connection is very hard and emotionally exhausting. You have my complete sympathies. But I also think you can do it and you need to do it because your kid needs you to. Sending you hugs. It will not always be this hard.

I’m literally marveling at how you’re able to connect, understand, express empathy, and encourage and motivate someone to change. I don’t know how to do this. It’s too easy for me to shut down my feelings when I’m being attacked, along with the part of me that cares enough to try. But I hope I can learn.

I appreciate all of your kind words. I'm able to connect because five years ago I was in the exact same situation you are in now. My 2e daughter is incredibly complex and difficult but she's also much better now than she was before we got effective help. I often enjoy being with her now, and we are really close, which I could not have imagined when we were in the worst of it.

Thanks for sharing your story - it gives me hope, especially since your daughter sounds like she struggled so similarly.

[Anonymous]

I'm back again - so it's been about a week. There are 2 issues that are coming up for me with my new approach.

1) Younger siblings, who were at first cooperative with helping out, even though older sibling has not been helping out at all, are now refusing to help out when the older sibling is getting away with not helping out around the house at all - even though they are older. So now I'm picking up slack for everyone.

2) This is worse because I'm sick this week, but I'm already getting and tired and resentful about the kids not helping out. I don't mind picking up their rooms, and making their lunches and breakfasts and dinners. But I do mind when my daughter threatens to kill me for going in her room. And I do mind when she complains about the lunches I make for her. And I do mind when the younger siblings just flat out ignore me when I ask them to do something. And I mind when they literally leave trails of mess as soon as they get home from school. And in 3 years I still haven't been able to figure out how to get them to put their bookbags away and unpack their lunches without nagging them 5 times daily to do so, so this week I've given up and am doing it myself.

[Anonymous]

Oh you definitely don't allow the to pull mutiny. Say goodbye to the phones and the apps and the social events if they're boycotting chores.

[Anonymous]

Do your kids khet allowances?

Now it pays for school lunch until they learn to manage their own lunches

[Anonymous]

Can your husband take over packing the lunches & making dinner? Or he be in charge of laundry & house cleaning with the kids since he works part-time?
Maybe that would help with the stress?

[Anonymous]

Maybe family therapy with everyone and a new therapist is in order?

[Anonymous]

I was this child, and weirdly what helped me was to attend an extremely competitive and elite boarding school. I had freedom that my mother at her wits end would never have allowed me had I stayed at home. I bombed some early relationships and basic hygiene tasks. My grades were awful the first year. But I loved it and eventually thrived. I was surrounded by brilliant people and everyone and all their ideas were so interesting all the time. For the first time I was so far away from being the smartest person in the room, and it was incredible. Set my life on a wonderful trajectory and improved my relationship w my overprotective sheltering mother a million times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your husband take over packing the lunches & making dinner? Or he be in charge of laundry & house cleaning with the kids since he works part-time?
Maybe that would help with the stress?

He usually makes lunches and dinners on the 2 days he has off. This week was a little different because he had 2 evening meetings which left me on evening duty. He definitely does his part now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was this child, and weirdly what helped me was to attend an extremely competitive and elite boarding school. I had freedom that my mother at her wits end would never have allowed me had I stayed at home. I bombed some early relationships and basic hygiene tasks. My grades were awful the first year. But I loved it and eventually thrived. I was surrounded by brilliant people and everyone and all their ideas were so interesting all the time. For the first time I was so far away from being the smartest person in the room, and it was incredible. Set my life on a wonderful trajectory and improved my relationship w my overprotective sheltering mother a million times

^ and the smartest people were also the ones working the hardest, with great study and organizational skills, who valued being well-rounded etc. I learned so much from moving into a dorm at 14 and am so glad my mom trusted me to do it. She was probably just relieved to get me out of the house haha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was this child, and weirdly what helped me was to attend an extremely competitive and elite boarding school. I had freedom that my mother at her wits end would never have allowed me had I stayed at home. I bombed some early relationships and basic hygiene tasks. My grades were awful the first year. But I loved it and eventually thrived. I was surrounded by brilliant people and everyone and all their ideas were so interesting all the time. For the first time I was so far away from being the smartest person in the room, and it was incredible. Set my life on a wonderful trajectory and improved my relationship w my overprotective sheltering mother a million times

I’d love to hear more. Have been thinking about this option- although our daughter seems dead set against it, even though in every other way it seems to be what she is asking for. Maybe just fear of the unknown.

[Anonymous]

Sam Steinberg at Capital Youth Associates DBT-C. My chid VERY similar to yours and she was the ONLY therapist to reach him, help him and transform our lives. The parent coaching component also changed me for the better.