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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have an autistic son and husband. I was the primary parent for my son during his childhood, because my husband could not parent effectively, due to socio-emotional communication deficits. It was hand-on, therapeutic-level parenting from morning til night, with a break during school hours: meaning, I narrated the day, we practiced his PT, OT and speech tasks (because he was behind in so many things), and I retaught what he had missed in school every afternoon. He couldn't do normal things like tie his shoes for a very long time, so I did a lot for him.

And then I had to mediate between them, because my husband couldn't accept that his son had communication deficits as well, and would get irrationally angry. The first 10 years of my son's life were really hard for me, and I felt completely trapped, because I WANTED to divorce... but then I'd be forced to parent with less money and I feared for my son's psychological wellbeing in my husband's custody, with the yelling and punitive parenting.

Now my son has clawed his way to college, thanks to his very hard work, my dedication and lots of tutoring... and my husband is doing much better. Essentially he's gone back to being the person I married 20+ years ago.

So I completely feel for your sister, OP, but I'm not sure divorce is the solution, unless she has support lined up and enough money.

[/quote]

This nails it. Your relationship to your ND spouse is very different to your relationship to your ND kid. Your spouse is supposed to be your partner and coparent. You expect more from them, and rightly so. You know when you have kids that you are going to be parenting them -- you don't know when you get married that you will one day be expected to parent your spouse.

Divorcing might enable your sister to be the parent she needs to be for her son without having to parent the full grown adult she married.

Also there is sometimes this weird sibling dynamic that emerges between the ND parent and the ND child in families like this. I cannot tell you how frustrating this dynamic is, where your husband and child are competing with each other for your attention or appealing to you to resolve their conflicts because neither of them (one of whom is a full grown adult) has the skills to work out that conflict on their own. Getting out of that dynamic however you can is important because it will screw up everyone's relationships. It ruins your marriage (no one wants to be their husband's mommy), but is also toxic for their relationship with your kid and can also impact *your* relationship to your kid who will very closely watch how you resolve these conflicts. It's awful all around.

It's very easy to judge someone in this position from the outside. Until you've lived it, you can't understand. You should support your sister, not second guess her choices.[/quote]

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