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[quote=Anonymous]There are two pieces to this kind of behavior. Posters have already touched on them both but I just want to bring them together:

[b]1) The refusal to apologize.[/b] When people refuse to apologize, they generally see even the implied admission of fault as too threatening to their conception of self. So even an apology like "I'm so sorry I hurt you, it wasn't my intention but I have to take responsibility for it" is scary to them because they may see themselves as infallible. I think in a parent-child relationship, apologizing to a child can be threatening to a parent who views it as their *job* as a parent to be right. Being vulnerable and accepting that they make mistakes (like we all do) or may have things to work on (like we all do) is frightening. Some people might describe this mix of emotions as shame, and the refusal to apologize as a shame response.

[b]2) Lack of respect for the other person.[/b] This is obviously closely linked to the first part, but it is still separate because most people will apologize or take responsibility sometimes. For instance, your MIL likely would have apologized to her own parents. In a work setting, she'd likely apologize to a superior. There are probably members of her community she'd apologize, if she viewed them as having higher status than her.

When someone refuses to apologize to a family member or friend, it indicates that they have a strict sense of hierarchy about the relationship. You are not equals. She is on top. She is apologized to, you are the apologizer. Apologizing to you upends that dynamic and, in her mind, lowers her to  what she perceives is your level. Again, in a parent-child relationship, some parents believe the parent must always be right. Well similarly, this means the parent is always on top. The relationship flows in one direction.

So the upshot is that she does not respect your husband, or you, and does not feel should have to apologize to people she does not respect. Take what you will from this.[/quote]

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