Money transparency

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

I'm confused as to what his anger has to do with this?

[Anonymous]

We have a dysfunctional marriage, so this isn't advice, but we have very little financial transparency. I do have a credit monitor set up for my spouse, and I check it regularly, given circumstances similar to what OP described. DH spends too much money on his family of origin - he's a total enabler with a savior complex. Fortunately, he's a high earner, but even still, I am significantly more liquid than he is, and I have more investible assets because I'm not an idiot with money like he is. He's going to be broke, living off Social Security and not much in RMDs in retirement, and he knows I won't bail him out for any personal spending. We file taxes separately because early in our marriage, he underwithheld, and our tax liability was higher than my annual salary, so I have not filed with him since. We don't talk about our investment accounts (I have an idea what he has in his retirement account due to statements he left lying around - it's fine, but won't support his lifestyle, so he may never retire). I wouldn't care if he got a $150,000 inheritance and spent it, though. I only worry about debt and whether we can afford our living expenses from our joint checking account. I have done well on my own, and he has no access to my accounts. I've saved enough for the kid to go wherever they want for college, and he also has no access to those accounts, nor is he the successor owner if I die (I used someone I trust for that). I would've preferred a trusting marriage with full transparency where all money is pooled, but unfortunately, that doesn't work for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

I expect full transparency but we don't split expenses. I don't think you can agree at the outset to split expenses, go through the first bout of financial infidelity where he gets into $75k of debt, ****not change anything about how you manage your household expenses*** and then expect to get a report on where he's spending his personal money. And an inheritance is his, not the household's.

You should have changed the set up when he first messed up, but you didn't. Changing it then would have been about improving both of your lives. Trying to change it now just looks like wanting to get your hands on his windfall. So now he knows he can get in over his head and you'll save him, and he can spend everything he has access to without your input. So that's what's going to happen.

You're actually blaming OP for her husband's secret new $50k in debt (which presumably would be way more if not for the inheritance) after he promised not to do that again?

This is not about the inheritance or OP not taking appropriate control of combining finances. It's about her dishonest husband behaving very poorly.

No, I'm blaming OP for having bizarre expectations not based on reality. He's done this before, she fixed it for him and didn't ask for any oversight or transparency afterward, so of course he did it again. It's like getting back with a cheater who won't apologize or go to therapy or even give you his phone password after he's caught the first time, and then being shocked and distraught to find out he's cheating again. Of course he is!

>>>He swore after the first debt exposure event… we agreed to work out the plan to combine incomes and expenditures… at the proposals stage, he kept blowing up about his income flowing into joint account so we postponed the implementation until we could agree on practical setup. I’ve been quite busy at challenging job working weekends and SN child. And long story short, I trusted him and we kept paying expenses separately etc.

But recently, as I’m thinking more and more about retirement planning, and have a job that provides space to have actually free weekend…. it did struck me as sort of improper or indecent or unfair or whatever that he wouldn’t even ask a single question about how to utilize 150 K inheritance. I have a partnership mindset and I would be asking and planning together for that kind of money, but that’s not what he choses to do, ever….

And that inheritance aside, I am trying to combine income and expenditures, and I’m not able to do it and we have to plan for retirement…. He took early retirement with monthly pay less than what he earned before, but still higher pay than my current pay.
He makes more money than I do. I gave up career to follow his path and support his career; at this time I make enough money to be self sustainable. I feel hurt emotionally that this is the partner that I have, who just doesn’t want to share his money in a transparent way. But he was paying major bills when I could not as the bigger paycheck holder… he is ses.

Not sharing is not caring…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a dysfunctional marriage, so this isn't advice, but we have very little financial transparency. I do have a credit monitor set up for my spouse, and I check it regularly, given circumstances similar to what OP described. DH spends too much money on his family of origin - he's a total enabler with a savior complex. Fortunately, he's a high earner, but even still, I am significantly more liquid than he is, and I have more investible assets because I'm not an idiot with money like he is. He's going to be broke, living off Social Security and not much in RMDs in retirement, and he knows I won't bail him out for any personal spending. We file taxes separately because early in our marriage, he underwithheld, and our tax liability was higher than my annual salary, so I have not filed with him since. We don't talk about our investment accounts (I have an idea what he has in his retirement account due to statements he left lying around - it's fine, but won't support his lifestyle, so he may never retire). I wouldn't care if he got a $150,000 inheritance and spent it, though. I only worry about debt and whether we can afford our living expenses from our joint checking account. I have done well on my own, and he has no access to my accounts. I've saved enough for the kid to go wherever they want for college, and he also has no access to those accounts, nor is he the successor owner if I die (I used someone I trust for that). I would've preferred a trusting marriage with full transparency where all money is pooled, but unfortunately, that doesn't work for us.

Half of your money is his no matter what. You realize that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

I expect full transparency but we don't split expenses. I don't think you can agree at the outset to split expenses, go through the first bout of financial infidelity where he gets into $75k of debt, ****not change anything about how you manage your household expenses*** and then expect to get a report on where he's spending his personal money. And an inheritance is his, not the household's.

You should have changed the set up when he first messed up, but you didn't. Changing it then would have been about improving both of your lives. Trying to change it now just looks like wanting to get your hands on his windfall. So now he knows he can get in over his head and you'll save him, and he can spend everything he has access to without your input. So that's what's going to happen.

You're actually blaming OP for her husband's secret new $50k in debt (which presumably would be way more if not for the inheritance) after he promised not to do that again?

This is not about the inheritance or OP not taking appropriate control of combining finances. It's about her dishonest husband behaving very poorly.

No, I'm blaming OP for having bizarre expectations not based on reality. He's done this before, she fixed it for him and didn't ask for any oversight or transparency afterward, so of course he did it again. It's like getting back with a cheater who won't apologize or go to therapy or even give you his phone password after he's caught the first time, and then being shocked and distraught to find out he's cheating again. Of course he is!

>>>He swore after the first debt exposure event… we agreed to work out the plan to combine incomes and expenditures… at the proposals stage, he kept blowing up about his income flowing into joint account so we postponed the implementation until we could agree on practical setup. I’ve been quite busy at challenging job working weekends and SN child. And long story short, I trusted him and we kept paying expenses separately etc.

But recently, as I’m thinking more and more about retirement planning, and have a job that provides space to have actually free weekend…. it did struck me as sort of improper or indecent or unfair or whatever that he wouldn’t even ask a single question about how to utilize 150 K inheritance. I have a partnership mindset and I would be asking and planning together for that kind of money, but that’s not what he choses to do, ever….

And that inheritance aside, I am trying to combine income and expenditures, and I’m not able to do it and we have to plan for retirement…. He took early retirement with monthly pay less than what he earned before, but still higher pay than my current pay.
He makes more money than I do. I gave up career to follow his path and support his career; at this time I make enough money to be self sustainable. I feel hurt emotionally that this is the partner that I have, who just doesn’t want to share his money in a transparent way. But he was paying major bills when I could not as the bigger paycheck holder… he is ses.

Not sharing is not caring…

You sound jealous of the inheritance, and don't seem to care that he has racked up hundreds of thousands in debt in your marriage? You are completely on the wrong train here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you now split expenditures equally since you have similar incomes now? Is he going into debt for family expenses?

>>> I don’t know. I know my side… when I ask questions about his side, he gets mad. Absolute rage: all red face coming close to your face and yelling at you that you wanted child’s bd party - you wanted vacation - toilet broke down - water bill blew up — investment property got special assessment…

Especially if I ask how he accumulated 50k again wt telling me that we are overspending. He made a promise and just went ahead and broke it and blames me for not chipping in which is why he got into debt…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

I expect full transparency but we don't split expenses. I don't think you can agree at the outset to split expenses, go through the first bout of financial infidelity where he gets into $75k of debt, ****not change anything about how you manage your household expenses*** and then expect to get a report on where he's spending his personal money. And an inheritance is his, not the household's.

You should have changed the set up when he first messed up, but you didn't. Changing it then would have been about improving both of your lives. Trying to change it now just looks like wanting to get your hands on his windfall. So now he knows he can get in over his head and you'll save him, and he can spend everything he has access to without your input. So that's what's going to happen.

You're actually blaming OP for her husband's secret new $50k in debt (which presumably would be way more if not for the inheritance) after he promised not to do that again?

This is not about the inheritance or OP not taking appropriate control of combining finances. It's about her dishonest husband behaving very poorly.

No, I'm blaming OP for having bizarre expectations not based on reality. He's done this before, she fixed it for him and didn't ask for any oversight or transparency afterward, so of course he did it again. It's like getting back with a cheater who won't apologize or go to therapy or even give you his phone password after he's caught the first time, and then being shocked and distraught to find out he's cheating again. Of course he is!

>>>He swore after the first debt exposure event… we agreed to work out the plan to combine incomes and expenditures… at the proposals stage, he kept blowing up about his income flowing into joint account so we postponed the implementation until we could agree on practical setup. I’ve been quite busy at challenging job working weekends and SN child. And long story short, I trusted him and we kept paying expenses separately etc.

But recently, as I’m thinking more and more about retirement planning, and have a job that provides space to have actually free weekend…. it did struck me as sort of improper or indecent or unfair or whatever that he wouldn’t even ask a single question about how to utilize 150 K inheritance. I have a partnership mindset and I would be asking and planning together for that kind of money, but that’s not what he choses to do, ever….

And that inheritance aside, I am trying to combine income and expenditures, and I’m not able to do it and we have to plan for retirement…. He took early retirement with monthly pay less than what he earned before, but still higher pay than my current pay.
He makes more money than I do. I gave up career to follow his path and support his career; at this time I make enough money to be self sustainable. I feel hurt emotionally that this is the partner that I have, who just doesn’t want to share his money in a transparent way. But he was paying major bills when I could not as the bigger paycheck holder… he is ses.

Not sharing is not caring…

You sound jealous of the inheritance, and don't seem to care that he has racked up hundreds of thousands in debt in your marriage? You are completely on the wrong train here.

It may sound that way. Not the actual case. I’m self sufficient and ready to move on with $0 in my pocket. I’m looking for decency, that’s all. May be I’m not calling it right but it’s like hurtful that your life partner would just keep it all-quiet how he spends substantial amount. And then when you bring it up gently, he yells at you and informs you that the money is gone to pay off new credit card debt he created due to spending on the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a dysfunctional marriage, so this isn't advice, but we have very little financial transparency. I do have a credit monitor set up for my spouse, and I check it regularly, given circumstances similar to what OP described. DH spends too much money on his family of origin - he's a total enabler with a savior complex. Fortunately, he's a high earner, but even still, I am significantly more liquid than he is, and I have more investible assets because I'm not an idiot with money like he is. He's going to be broke, living off Social Security and not much in RMDs in retirement, and he knows I won't bail him out for any personal spending. We file taxes separately because early in our marriage, he underwithheld, and our tax liability was higher than my annual salary, so I have not filed with him since. We don't talk about our investment accounts (I have an idea what he has in his retirement account due to statements he left lying around - it's fine, but won't support his lifestyle, so he may never retire). I wouldn't care if he got a $150,000 inheritance and spent it, though. I only worry about debt and whether we can afford our living expenses from our joint checking account. I have done well on my own, and he has no access to my accounts. I've saved enough for the kid to go wherever they want for college, and he also has no access to those accounts, nor is he the successor owner if I die (I used someone I trust for that). I would've preferred a trusting marriage with full transparency where all money is pooled, but unfortunately, that doesn't work for us.

>>> Why do you stay in it? I was staying in a hope to work things out. Now - I feel ready to stop this nonsense and move on.

[Anonymous]

Where’s the money going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

I'm confused as to what his anger has to do with this?

So, he was angry about bills coming in. I had no time to look at some swimming bill or something. Then we looked, and I saw that he was only paying off credit card interest… his principal amount stayed untouched… it was a bad situation… I started the process of dead consolidation and found a solution via Credit Union. We made sure we have a better split of expenditures. I took on a bit more of expenditures proportionate to my income. After paying off credit cards, he destroyed it in front of me. He swore to only have one credit card and keep touch base with me until we set up a system for being combined….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where’s the money going?

He says on the household. But he does not want me to see credit card statements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

I expect full transparency but we don't split expenses. I don't think you can agree at the outset to split expenses, go through the first bout of financial infidelity where he gets into $75k of debt, ****not change anything about how you manage your household expenses*** and then expect to get a report on where he's spending his personal money. And an inheritance is his, not the household's.

You should have changed the set up when he first messed up, but you didn't. Changing it then would have been about improving both of your lives. Trying to change it now just looks like wanting to get your hands on his windfall. So now he knows he can get in over his head and you'll save him, and he can spend everything he has access to without your input. So that's what's going to happen.

You're actually blaming OP for her husband's secret new $50k in debt (which presumably would be way more if not for the inheritance) after he promised not to do that again?

This is not about the inheritance or OP not taking appropriate control of combining finances. It's about her dishonest husband behaving very poorly.

No, I'm blaming OP for having bizarre expectations not based on reality. He's done this before, she fixed it for him and didn't ask for any oversight or transparency afterward, so of course he did it again. It's like getting back with a cheater who won't apologize or go to therapy or even give you his phone password after he's caught the first time, and then being shocked and distraught to find out he's cheating again. Of course he is!

>>>He swore after the first debt exposure event… we agreed to work out the plan to combine incomes and expenditures… at the proposals stage, he kept blowing up about his income flowing into joint account so we postponed the implementation until we could agree on practical setup. I’ve been quite busy at challenging job working weekends and SN child. And long story short, I trusted him and we kept paying expenses separately etc.

But recently, as I’m thinking more and more about retirement planning, and have a job that provides space to have actually free weekend…. it did struck me as sort of improper or indecent or unfair or whatever that he wouldn’t even ask a single question about how to utilize 150 K inheritance. I have a partnership mindset and I would be asking and planning together for that kind of money, but that’s not what he choses to do, ever….

And that inheritance aside, I am trying to combine income and expenditures, and I’m not able to do it and we have to plan for retirement…. He took early retirement with monthly pay less than what he earned before, but still higher pay than my current pay.
He makes more money than I do. I gave up career to follow his path and support his career; at this time I make enough money to be self sustainable. I feel hurt emotionally that this is the partner that I have, who just doesn’t want to share his money in a transparent way. But he was paying major bills when I could not as the bigger paycheck holder… he is ses.

Not sharing is not caring…

You sound jealous of the inheritance, and don't seem to care that he has racked up hundreds of thousands in debt in your marriage? You are completely on the wrong train here.

It may sound that way. Not the actual case. I’m self sufficient and ready to move on with $0 in my pocket. I’m looking for decency, that’s all. May be I’m not calling it right but it’s like hurtful that your life partner would just keep it all-quiet how he spends substantial amount. And then when you bring it up gently, he yells at you and informs you that the money is gone to pay off new credit card debt he created due to spending on the household.

Stop with the inheritance. It was never yours to spend, he was entitled to spend it however he wanted.

What you need to focus on is what he is spending NOW. You need to have a come to jesus talk with him this weekend about finances. Bring your laptops, open up the banking apps, go through it. WHERE IS THE MONEY GOING. Stop playing the victim over his inheritance and figure your shit out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So what was the $150k spent on... A vacation and $25k on what for your child?

Where is the rest?

Sorry, your husband is a money liar. This will not work long term.

17k private school due to SN child
8k 1-week surprise lux vacation wt Child as a treat to us as we never had honeymoon and it was rough with Sn issues etc. he said - I would never approve it. This is why he went ahead and booked it before inheritance money ran out.
Rest: new car with full blown add ons whatever, payoff 50k debt, household expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a dysfunctional marriage, so this isn't advice, but we have very little financial transparency. I do have a credit monitor set up for my spouse, and I check it regularly, given circumstances similar to what OP described. DH spends too much money on his family of origin - he's a total enabler with a savior complex. Fortunately, he's a high earner, but even still, I am significantly more liquid than he is, and I have more investible assets because I'm not an idiot with money like he is. He's going to be broke, living off Social Security and not much in RMDs in retirement, and he knows I won't bail him out for any personal spending. We file taxes separately because early in our marriage, he underwithheld, and our tax liability was higher than my annual salary, so I have not filed with him since. We don't talk about our investment accounts (I have an idea what he has in his retirement account due to statements he left lying around - it's fine, but won't support his lifestyle, so he may never retire). I wouldn't care if he got a $150,000 inheritance and spent it, though. I only worry about debt and whether we can afford our living expenses from our joint checking account. I have done well on my own, and he has no access to my accounts. I've saved enough for the kid to go wherever they want for college, and he also has no access to those accounts, nor is he the successor owner if I die (I used someone I trust for that). I would've preferred a trusting marriage with full transparency where all money is pooled, but unfortunately, that doesn't work for us.

Serious question .. Why are you two even married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So what was the $150k spent on... A vacation and $25k on what for your child?

Where is the rest?

Sorry, your husband is a money liar. This will not work long term.

17k private school due to SN child
8k 1-week surprise lux vacation wt Child as a treat to us as we never had honeymoon and it was rough with Sn issues etc. he said - I would never approve it. This is why he went ahead and booked it before inheritance money ran out.
Rest: new car with full blown add ons whatever, payoff 50k debt, household expenses.

The screaming and whatnot is not any way to live. But this breakdown of where the inheritance went doesn't seem crazy to me? Pay off high interest debt, pay for the kid's private school (you agreed to private school, presumably?), a small amount to a fun family trip, and with what's left he gets the nice new car he wants without taking on any household debt.