Money transparency

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:* he yells at me when I ask basic questions about money.

Because he’s still hiding stuff.

I kept asking to see my DH’s paystubs because he would get angry about money and scold me for tiny purchases in spite of making a salary that I knew generally to be in a range that would easily allow that. And I did see his w-2s every year so it’s not like I was totally in the dark. But be alike not sit down and work through a proper budget in spite of yelling at me for spending $60 or buying juice as a treat for the kids’ breakfast.

Turned out that during divorce I discovered he had $500-$700 going out the door every month on a secret expense. And we haven’t even finished discovery yet- that’s just one thing I stumbled into. He was screaming about money because he was terrified I would realize there was a spending gap if I pushed, so he needed me to slink away in fear.

Divorce, or get ready to dig hard and have a potentially dangerous conversation. He will escalate because you had his back up against the wall, so it would be smart to think through safety planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren’t the only woman going through this kind of thing. How you explain it is, “my husband is verbally abusive, refuses help and I can’t live like this any longer.”

If you’re in DC or NoVa, contact The Women’s Center,
https://thewomenscenter.org/

If you’d like to talk or chat online with a trained counselor now (or anytime), go to thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-7233. It’s The National Domestic Violence Hotline and they’re available 24/7.

Thanks, I see that you are a very caring person and this info could help others indeed. In my case, I could not and would not do that. We’ve been together over almost two decades. He is like his own person with friends and so on — I don’t want the word getting out.

Sorry that I keep coming back here.

[Anonymous]

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So what was the $150k spent on... A vacation and $25k on what for your child?

Where is the rest?

Sorry, your husband is a money liar. This will not work long term.

17k private school due to SN child
8k 1-week surprise lux vacation wt Child as a treat to us as we never had honeymoon and it was rough with Sn issues etc. he said - I would never approve it. This is why he went ahead and booked it before inheritance money ran out.
Rest: new car with full blown add ons whatever, payoff 50k debt, household expenses.

So who pays this expense now?

Most bills are on him. I don’t ask money and pay for groceries, vacations (pretty much all but that lux one), house improvement projects (big things - like window replacement, my loan payment over time); bathroom remodeling; gifts, eating out, extracurricular activity payment, fun outings like movies, paid of my own car (my first car of 17years broke down completely)… I’m probably forgetting some things. Vet

This absolutely no way to live and unbelievable.. Anyways, So now what?

Now he wants me to take over more bills-expenses. And not look at his credit cards.

I can't believe you are whining about the inheritance not being fair to you while you are literally blind to the debt he is accumulating. This is mind boggling. Sit him down, tell him to log in and review where your money is going.

he gets to keep all the inheritance and you are also on the hook for his debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With all due respect, marriages are partnerships. You are not describing a partnership. You are describing something else. That's the underlying root of the problem. If you can't trust each other be transparent on finances, there are deeper issues of the health of the partnerhsip.

I’m of this school as well. I hear about this all the time. “My husband pays for x bills and I pay for y bills.” Sounds like one of the three. No trust, you’ve been burned in the past or you’re not gonna make it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s how I feel too.
I shared with one close friend what’s going on and she says that he’s ashamed of his expenditures…
Again, when I start having a conversation as an adult, what I get as a huge blowup. Rage

So developmentally immature. Does he have adhd or asd? They would rather argue and blame others than solve the problem or apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With all due respect, marriages are partnerships. You are not describing a partnership. You are describing something else. That's the underlying root of the problem. If you can't trust each other be transparent on finances, there are deeper issues of the health of the partnerhsip.

I’m of this school as well. I hear about this all the time. “My husband pays for x bills and I pay for y bills.” Sounds like one of the three. No trust, you’ve been burned in the past or you’re not gonna make it together.

+1. I sort of get it when the marriage is new. You're still integrating your life and working out financial priorities. But 10 years in, our money is our money and our expenses are our expenses.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the reply. How sad I ended up. But it was beautiful in the beginning. I think, over many first years, I did not bring it up out of shyness really.
I’m scared of divorce somehow. My main worry is breaking the news to family overseas. They will be heartbroken for me. This is like a story of young and ambitious who made it - education grant, school completion, meeting The One, marrying, scoring jobs but then quitting to support his career, beautiful child but then neurodivergent issues… the world seems to be crushing down on me but I’m strong. But scared. Ughhh enough