Money transparency

[Anonymous]

Why are women so patient with men? I my wife had acted like this financial illiterate, I would have dumped her long time ago.

OP I am on your side. This man has some serious issues. It starts with money then it goes into other things.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad that I am teaching my 15 years old twins about financial literacy. There are very wealthy and smart people in this country who don't understand money. It's scary when you think about it.

I have a friend who makes $200k and is thinking about filling for bankruptcy. How TF do you go broke when you make $200k, you are in excellent health and didn't make bad business choices? He is not alone in this country.

[Anonymous]

Is the inheritance being held in the same account in which he deposits his paychecks? Look up the concept called commingling. Unless that inheritance is kept in a completely separate account, you have a good argument that it has been commingled and is equally yours! I'd tell him he can split the rest and give me my half the easy way, or he can spend it on lawyer's fees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone with a similar issue with regard to lack of transparency and it turns out
The DH had been spending massively on both gambling AND drugs and his debt was so so much worse than the wife knew. They are getting divorced and it’s a nightmare. The wife has not taken responsibility for her own finances and somehow also didn’t realize that she could not afford her lifestyle on her on own. They mostly have debt to split. Her parents are bailing them out but in the meantime they have have had their water and other utilities turned off for periods of time etc. anyway the point is the kids who are completely blameless in all of this are really suffering and will likely have to move out of school district and it would be way worse if they didn’t have wealthy family. All that to say you need to think of this through the lens of protecting your kid. I am not one to rush to divorce but I would definitely give an ultimate that you two have transparency into the house hold financial situation and establish a budget with a counselor or a CPA or you divorce. You may view your finances as separate but legally they are not so you need to protect yourself and your kid.

>>> I requested separation. There are other medical things going on with me (potential disability) and having anguish over finances and the quality of partnership is not helpful. Btw I was here years ago too about the same issue — that I can’t get DH to calmly cooperate regarding budgeting. I’m okay - will get through. Steroid shot helps the pain I’m dealing with (DH does not care) so I’m recovering. And may even fully recover. My doctor said, go get them! He does not realize how much moral support this is. But there are stories of much more serious issues and humans get through. I can get through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the inheritance being held in the same account in which he deposits his paychecks? Look up the concept called commingling. Unless that inheritance is kept in a completely separate account, you have a good argument that it has been commingled and is equally yours! I'd tell him he can split the rest and give me my half the easy way, or he can spend it on lawyer's fees.

Thanks.
I moved on. It’s not about money. But to answer your question, everything is kept in his own separate accounts; he yells that my name is on his bank account but I don’t have access - no logins etc.

I can start over wherever he leaves me after I followed his career and his financial approach and him being the main breadwinner.

I moved on to other things brainstorming… thinking where I’m gonna go from here and how with the skills I have, med issues that are temporary I hope - I don’t know, sn child, and the feeling that you wasted your best years on someone who rages in response to basic questions. It is possible that writing here was my way of self-help as I don’t want to burden my family or friends. I do realize this is pretty heavy stuff.

I don’t know if it matters, but I just wanna to share that I will stop reading posts here as I have to move on to my tasks to organize the home, the move, whatever…

Thank you for listening and sharing your views and providing some advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

What is wrong is you entered into a marriage with no trust.

People do not marry if you do not keep all finances together. Both your names on everything.

If someone isn't willing to do that they are not worth marrying. I don't care how much they make.

Do a prenup for everything before the marriage if you have more money entering, but everything during the marriage is both of yours.

Why do people enter marriages without understanding finances????

Big Whoop he makes more than you. Then both of you live on your salary and put the extra in savings but this BS of each of you having separate accounts and monitoring purchases or expenses is stupid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the inheritance being held in the same account in which he deposits his paychecks? Look up the concept called commingling. Unless that inheritance is kept in a completely separate account, you have a good argument that it has been commingled and is equally yours! I'd tell him he can split the rest and give me my half the easy way, or he can spend it on lawyer's fees.

Thanks.
I moved on. It’s not about money. But to answer your question, everything is kept in his own separate accounts; he yells that my name is on his bank account but I don’t have access - no logins etc.

####### If your name is really on the account you can go to the bank or contact them to get access. I made a list for DH how to do this since he never bothers to log in to ours and I could die, lol ######

I can start over wherever he leaves me after I followed his career and his financial approach and him being the main breadwinner.

I moved on to other things brainstorming… thinking where I’m gonna go from here and how with the skills I have, med issues that are temporary I hope - I don’t know, sn child, and the feeling that you wasted your best years on someone who rages in response to basic questions. It is possible that writing here was my way of self-help as I don’t want to burden my family or friends. I do realize this is pretty heavy stuff.

I don’t know if it matters, but I just wanna to share that I will stop reading posts here as I have to move on to my tasks to organize the home, the move, whatever…

Thank you for listening and sharing your views and providing some advice.

[Anonymous]

Op, looks like he is hiding money. Tell me one thing - how is your sex life? Do you think he is supporting family or woman outside?

[Anonymous]

This is OP. So he yelled at me like a complete rage-person… monster (?)… I don’t know what’s wrong with him and it’s numbness from pain as I can’t help, as he won’t go to anger management and I feel like I should not be the one setting those up.

But then, how does anyone go through divorce really, when the reason is — he yells at meter I ask basic questions about money.

How will I explain this to anyone???

[Anonymous]

* he yells at me when I ask basic questions about money.

[Anonymous]

From this moment forward try to get a therapist, lawyer, celergy ir family involved as you two aren't able to communicate well and be honest with each other, an intervention is necessary no matter if you two want to stay together or resolve this marriage. If you are so poor, in debt, disabled and with a special need kid, social services would help you and you'll receive governmental assistance with expenses. May be reach out to a charity that helps women in need. You've made bad decisions but no point in keep repeating them as that's insanity.

[Anonymous]

You aren’t the only woman going through this kind of thing. How you explain it is, “my husband is verbally abusive, refuses help and I can’t live like this any longer.”

If you’re in DC or NoVa, contact The Women’s Center,
https://thewomenscenter.org/

If you’d like to talk or chat online with a trained counselor now (or anytime), go to thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-7233. It’s The National Domestic Violence Hotline and they’re available 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. So he yelled at me like a complete rage-person… monster (?)… I don’t know what’s wrong with him and it’s numbness from pain as I can’t help, as he won’t go to anger management and I feel like I should not be the one setting those up.

But then, how does anyone go through divorce really, when the reason is — he yells at meter I ask basic questions about money.

How will I explain this to anyone???

Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are women so patient with men? I my wife had acted like this financial illiterate, I would have dumped her long time ago.

OP I am on your side. This man has some serious issues. It starts with money then it goes into other things.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. So he yelled at me like a complete rage-person… monster (?)… I don’t know what’s wrong with him and it’s numbness from pain as I can’t help, as he won’t go to anger management and I feel like I should not be the one setting those up.

But then, how does anyone go through divorce really, when the reason is — he yells at meter I ask basic questions about money.

How will I explain this to anyone???

I’ll be honest: it’s hard to explain but it doesn’t count in divorce proceedings as much as you hope it will. When you do initial divorce consults attorneys will either get it or they won’t. If you tell some of the anecdotes you did here and the attorneys argue or aren’t following, they’re not the ones for you. I’m mid-divorce from someone like this who used financial control as a way to keep me stuck, engaged in a lot of secret spending, and forced me to spend down an inheritance by withholding money for basic expenses.

Don’t focus on being believed or getting some kind of payback. You sound smart and disciplined so you will be way more stable financially with this parasite out of your life.

I believe you.