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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….[/quote]

I expect full transparency but we don't split expenses.  I don't think you can agree at the outset to split expenses, go through the first bout of financial infidelity where he gets into $75k of debt, ****not change anything about how you manage your household expenses*** and then expect to get a report on where he's spending his personal money.  And an inheritance is his, not the household's.

You should have changed the set up when he first messed up, but you didn't.  Changing it then would have been about improving both of your lives.  Trying to change it now just looks like wanting to get your hands on his windfall.  So now he knows he can get in over his head and you'll save him, and he can spend everything he has access to without your input.  So that's what's going to happen.[/quote]

You're actually blaming OP for her husband's secret new $50k in debt (which presumably would be way more if not for the inheritance) after he promised not to do that again?

This is not about the inheritance or OP not taking appropriate control of combining finances. It's about her dishonest husband behaving very poorly.[/quote]

No, I'm blaming OP for having bizarre expectations not based on reality.  He's done this before, she fixed it for him and didn't ask for any oversight or transparency afterward, so of course he did it again.  It's like getting back with a cheater who won't apologize or go to therapy or even give you his phone password after he's caught the first time, and then being shocked and distraught to find out he's cheating again.  Of course he is![/quote]

&gt;&gt;&gt;He swore after the first debt exposure event… we agreed to work out the plan to combine incomes and expenditures… at the proposals stage, he kept blowing up about his income flowing into joint account so we postponed the implementation until we could agree on practical setup.  I’ve been quite busy at challenging job working weekends and SN child. And long story short, I trusted him and we kept paying expenses separately etc.

But recently, as I’m thinking more and more about retirement planning, and have a job that provides space to have actually free weekend…. it did struck me as sort of improper or indecent or unfair or whatever that he wouldn’t even ask a single question about how to utilize 150 K inheritance. I have a partnership mindset and I would be asking and planning together for that kind of money, but that’s not what he choses to do, ever….

And that inheritance aside, I am trying to combine income and expenditures, and I’m not able to do it and we have to plan for retirement…. He took early retirement with monthly pay less than what he earned before, but still higher pay than my current pay.
He makes more money than I do. I gave up career to follow his path and support his career; at this time I make enough money to be self sustainable. I feel hurt emotionally that this is the partner that I have, who just doesn’t want to share his money in a transparent way. But he was paying major bills when I could not as the bigger paycheck holder… he is ses.

Not sharing is not caring…[/quote]

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