Money transparency

[Anonymous]

Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

[Anonymous]

*50 k debt (credit cards again)

[Anonymous]

With all due respect, marriages are partnerships. You are not describing a partnership. You are describing something else. That's the underlying root of the problem. If you can't trust each other be transparent on finances, there are deeper issues of the health of the partnerhsip.

[Anonymous]

That’s how I feel too.
I shared with one close friend what’s going on and she says that he’s ashamed of his expenditures…
Again, when I start having a conversation as an adult, what I get as a huge blowup. Rage

[Anonymous]

I have requested separation because it seems this isn’t what I deserve or how a union should look like the last stage of your life.
I told the agent that I am open and he can take a look at any of my credit card expenditures and every single line item is explainable. I am one of those responsible people financially who will spend within their income and will always pay off credit card on time. Even the reason why I’m asking about his expenditures because at the retirement stage we need to have a better handle on finances and I’m not able to do it because he’s so sensitive about opening it up fully.

[Anonymous]

* I told DH that I am open

Ughh - sorry lots of typos and errors because of the dictation and autocorrects.

[Anonymous]

So what was the $150k spent on... A vacation and $25k on what for your child?

Where is the rest?

Sorry, your husband is a money liar. This will not work long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

I expect full transparency but we don't split expenses. I don't think you can agree at the outset to split expenses, go through the first bout of financial infidelity where he gets into $75k of debt, ****not change anything about how you manage your household expenses*** and then expect to get a report on where he's spending his personal money. And an inheritance is his, not the household's.

You should have changed the set up when he first messed up, but you didn't. Changing it then would have been about improving both of your lives. Trying to change it now just looks like wanting to get your hands on his windfall. So now he knows he can get in over his head and you'll save him, and he can spend everything he has access to without your input. So that's what's going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

I expect full transparency but we don't split expenses. I don't think you can agree at the outset to split expenses, go through the first bout of financial infidelity where he gets into $75k of debt, ****not change anything about how you manage your household expenses*** and then expect to get a report on where he's spending his personal money. And an inheritance is his, not the household's.

You should have changed the set up when he first messed up, but you didn't. Changing it then would have been about improving both of your lives. Trying to change it now just looks like wanting to get your hands on his windfall. So now he knows he can get in over his head and you'll save him, and he can spend everything he has access to without your input. So that's what's going to happen.

You're actually blaming OP for her husband's secret new $50k in debt (which presumably would be way more if not for the inheritance) after he promised not to do that again?

This is not about the inheritance or OP not taking appropriate control of combining finances. It's about her dishonest husband behaving very poorly.

[Anonymous]

If he is 100% responsible for his debt and it isn't a family thing that you both help with, then his inheritance is also his own. When you split finances - then each person gets the bad and the good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you expect full transparency, as to each person’s expenditures after 14 years of marriage?

DH and I split expenditures very long time ago when my income was much lower. About seven years ago DH was extremely angry and I found out slowly that he accumulated 75,000 credit card debt. I helped him to consolidate and work it out because I know finance is a little bit better than he does. He swore to only have one credit card we were supposed to unite our finances, but would be busy careers. It never happened.

Recently DH inherited a lump sum of 150 K. He spent 25 to get assistance for our child plus vacation. He also said later on that the money is gone on household expenditures. He told me that he had 50 K that and the money also covered that amount he only shared about how the money was spent because I asked about it two years after the inheritance date. I told him I feel sad that he had a lump sum, and I have no view or no say in how to spend it even as we are a Union. In any case any kind of money expenditure transparency conversation is a huge trigger for him. He gets angry and starts yelling and I stop feeling safe. This is very depressing because my view of a union is different. I am in a wrong union it feels….

I expect full transparency but we don't split expenses. I don't think you can agree at the outset to split expenses, go through the first bout of financial infidelity where he gets into $75k of debt, ****not change anything about how you manage your household expenses*** and then expect to get a report on where he's spending his personal money. And an inheritance is his, not the household's.

You should have changed the set up when he first messed up, but you didn't. Changing it then would have been about improving both of your lives. Trying to change it now just looks like wanting to get your hands on his windfall. So now he knows he can get in over his head and you'll save him, and he can spend everything he has access to without your input. So that's what's going to happen.

You're actually blaming OP for her husband's secret new $50k in debt (which presumably would be way more if not for the inheritance) after he promised not to do that again?

This is not about the inheritance or OP not taking appropriate control of combining finances. It's about her dishonest husband behaving very poorly.

No, I'm blaming OP for having bizarre expectations not based on reality. He's done this before, she fixed it for him and didn't ask for any oversight or transparency afterward, so of course he did it again. It's like getting back with a cheater who won't apologize or go to therapy or even give you his phone password after he's caught the first time, and then being shocked and distraught to find out he's cheating again. Of course he is!

[Anonymous]

Do you now split expenditures equally since you have similar incomes now? Is he going into debt for family expenses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s how I feel too.
I shared with one close friend what’s going on and she says that he’s ashamed of his expenditures…
Again, when I start having a conversation as an adult, what I get as a huge blowup. Rage

If it took 14 years for you to realize, you are not any better than your DH. You two deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

So he essentially blew $200k? $150 inheritance plus another $50k in credit cards?

What is he spending money on? What sort of addiction is he feeding?

[Anonymous]

The inheritance isn't marital property under the law. Technically he can do with that whatever he wants. You have zero say in the matter.

In any event, what a piss poor way to structure a marriage. Separate finances in a marriage makes no sense, both because under the law it makes no difference how much each spouse actually earns -- all the money earned is owned jointly -- and because it's a recipe for deception.

We have a net worth well into seven figures and in the course of our long marriage my spouse hasn't earned a penny of it. But every account we have is joint and we both are complete open books on expenditures. There's total trust when it comes to finances.

You need to strive for that.