How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?

[Anonymous]

Just to sum up and echo some of the other responses already - this is a "you" problem, boo - not a Dad problem

[Anonymous]

Having plans makes things easier with a household of kids. But Your rigidity to a schedule is going to be your downfall as they grow up. I think your dad may be trying very hard to be helpful. If one kid has an allergy why can no one else eat the donuts? Think you want to think about your approach with a therapist. Ultimately you can only control your own actions. Think about it. Think about the relationships you are missing out on because things must go your way or you are upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Why even say this though. I love my kids and they are not the center of everyone's universe. I have a peanut allergic child. I don't school everyone who walks through the door not to ever bring a peanut item. If it's out or offered, I make sure she doesn't eat it. Other people do eat it. All good. She knows the deal.

[Anonymous]

I also am reading this as dad is not a narcissist, but OP is controlling and also expects gratitude for things no one asked or even wanted her to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP, because I am also a little rigid and like to plan, but this is a you problem.

Plan to do NOTHING when your parents visit. I literally just make sure I have some beverages they like and a cribbage board out. If they feel up to a walk or another outing in the moment, we do it. Otherwise it's all play by ear or I specifically leave them home while I take my kids to must-not-skip events.

We have planned to do nothing before and they spend the entire time sitting on my couch staring at their phones. It's awkward for DH and I to sit and listen to their Instagram reels. Plus, my kids notice that my parents aren't really "visiting" with us, and it makes them feel like their grandparents aren't interested in them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they like the attention that all this planning gives them.

I think it's the reverse. The planning is annoying and suffocating them, and Dad's over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP, because I am also a little rigid and like to plan, but this is a you problem.

Plan to do NOTHING when your parents visit. I literally just make sure I have some beverages they like and a cribbage board out. If they feel up to a walk or another outing in the moment, we do it. Otherwise it's all play by ear or I specifically leave them home while I take my kids to must-not-skip events.

We have planned to do nothing before and they spend the entire time sitting on my couch staring at their phones. It's awkward for DH and I to sit and listen to their Instagram reels. Plus, my kids notice that my parents aren't really "visiting" with us, and it makes them feel like their grandparents aren't interested in them.

There is a massive space between rigid preplanned schedule that can not be adjusted and plan and do nothing.

It’s a space that the majority exist in. You can suggest a walk or a board game or an outing to a market etc and see who wants to come, you can ask your mom and dad what they would enjoy doing, you can encourage interaction with your kids without forcing it, you can let them know about the party and give them the option to attend, you can make coffee and those who want it can drink it and those who prefer to go out for coffee can do so, etc.

You are being very black and white in your thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.

[Anonymous]

I have parents who were abusive. This post is upsetting because this really isn't a problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have parents who were abusive. This post is upsetting because this really isn't a problem

Same. It's hard to wrap your head around this post isn't it?

[Anonymous]

I used to get so annoyed because when my parents visited, they never wanted to do anything. They just wanted to sit at home. Once I finally accepted that, visits were much better and relaxed...sometimes I'd say, would you like to go out for dinner? And they'd be up for it. I think you need to reframe the visit in your own mind next time, not try the same thing again and expect different results.

And frankly, my parents can no longer visit at all due to mobility issues and I'm pretty upset about it. I'd give anything to have my dad just sitting in the chair on his laptop in my house. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.

That's because "Thank you but Larla can't have dairy" to people who already know Larla can't have dairy and brought donuts for all the other people who can eat donuts is kind of obnoxious. Adults realize you are scolding them. Adults with no filter who are old might not just suck it up that you are scolding them. Larla should decline a donut if it's offered to her. That's it.

I would have an open conversation with them. Hey, what can we do to make sure the visits are more fun? Do you all need more down time on your own? How much time with the kids is fun? Should we do more separately and more together? How and when do you like to eat?

[Anonymous]

I don't know what to tell you if you're upset about pouring out a cup of coffee you made for your mom that she didn't end up drinking except that you need to unclench.

Also, go to the neighborhood party and leave them at home because you told them about it and now they don't want to go OR stay home with them and don't complain about it.

You act like you're a victim here and you're not, you're just in a situation of your own making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP, because I am also a little rigid and like to plan, but this is a you problem.

Plan to do NOTHING when your parents visit. I literally just make sure I have some beverages they like and a cribbage board out. If they feel up to a walk or another outing in the moment, we do it. Otherwise it's all play by ear or I specifically leave them home while I take my kids to must-not-skip events.

We have planned to do nothing before and they spend the entire time sitting on my couch staring at their phones. It's awkward for DH and I to sit and listen to their Instagram reels. Plus, my kids notice that my parents aren't really "visiting" with us, and it makes them feel like their grandparents aren't interested in them.

But why would you do this? I have parents who want to just sit around. We leave them to it and come and go. We invite them to what we're doing and they come or don't. The rest of it is us living our lives and they are there. Stop centering your kids and act like they're deeply invested in all this. They're really not. They are taking cues from you. Take them to their kid events and the grandparents are around when they are around. Maybe you just eat meals together with the kids. That's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about him doing something really horrible or saying offensive stuff. Being cold, buying donuts and coffee, and not wantng to attend a party? There is literally nothing wrong with any of that and you are being too rigid.

This. You need to be more go with the flow about stuff. I know, I know, you're going to say that if you don't have the right coffee at home then your mom is going to carp about it. So what? Drive her through Starbucks or head to the store and buy the coffee she wants. These are small problems and you're making them into big issues.