Reply to How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time. [/quote]
Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," [i]could [/i]be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.[/quote]

That's because "Thank you but Larla can't have dairy" to people who already know Larla can't have dairy and brought donuts for all the other people who can eat donuts is kind of obnoxious.  Adults realize you are scolding them.  Adults with no filter who are old might not just suck it up that you are scolding them.  Larla should decline a donut if it's offered to her.  That's it.

I would have an open conversation with them.  Hey, what can we do to make sure the visits are more fun?  Do you all need more down time on your own?  How much time with the kids is fun?  Should we do more separately and more together?  How and when do you like to eat?  
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