How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.

Except your examples don’t show you walking on eggshells. You didn’t let your kids eat the donuts he bought, you insisted they go to a party they didn’t want to go to, - it doesn’t seem like you have an issue going against what he wants.

Your answers are just blaming. You can’t see your own behaviour and blame everyone else. You want validation and are ignoring anything that isn’t saying you are right.

[Anonymous]

OPs controlling and planning is obviously in response to previous visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.

Except your examples don’t show you walking on eggshells. You didn’t let your kids eat the donuts he bought, you insisted they go to a party they didn’t want to go to, - it doesn’t seem like you have an issue going against what he wants.

Your answers are just blaming. You can’t see your own behaviour and blame everyone else. You want validation and are ignoring anything that isn’t saying you are right.

Ahh yes the kids should eat dairy containing food when someone in the house has an allergy. How special and loving of that grandfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents visit us about once a year. They would like to come more often, but I always put them off until I feel so bad about not seeing them (and them not seeing our kids), that I cave. And every time, I think, "It won't be that bad. I'm blowing last time out of proportion." I always think I can just prepare better somehow - mentally prep myself and my kids, plan more activities or different activities or fewer activities, stock food they like in my fridge. I don't know. I'm wrong, every time. Honestly, if it was just my mom coming for a visit, it would be fine. And when telling the story of the things my dad does, they actually don't sound that bad and I feel crazy for getting so worked up about it.

So, this year, I had multiple conversations with them about the activities we had planned for the weekend, the food they wanted us to have in the house vs. the times we would eat out, the weather forecast. They were on board with everything. "Yes," they said, "that all sounds great."

They arrived Friday night and everything was fine. We had dinner at home with no problems.

The next morning, my dad slipped out of the house without saying anything and came back 20 minutes later with a box of donuts, coffee for me and coffee for my mom. The problem? My oldest has a dairy allergy and can't eat donuts. I don't drink coffee. And we had already brewed my mom coffee at home, which we bought specifically for her and had a conversation about how we would have it for her. So then I had to be the bad guy who told me kids they couldn't have donuts and act grateful for the coffee (while secretly dumping it), and waste the coffee we made for my mom, so she could drink the stuff my dad bought. Because if you're not grateful to my dad for going out of his way to do this, he will get offended, even though he made the morning more difficult.

The daytime activities were fine, except it was cold this weekend and, despite telling my parents to bring heavy coats for morning activities outdoors, my dad was not prepared and spent most of the time complaining about how cold it was.

In the evening, we had plans to go to a house party in the neighborhood. All of our kids' friends would be there and it is a very chill group, including new people and some other visiting grandparents. As we were walking out the door, my parents said actually they didn't want to go because it is too cold and they don't know anyone. Again, I told them this party was happening and they said they would be happy to go. If they didn't want to, we could have declined the party and not told our kids about it. But pulling out at the last minute meant we had to tell our kids we weren't going, because we didn't want to be bad hosts who don't spend time with our guests, and we can see our friends another time. Thankfully, my parents recognized what a meltdown they were about to walk into by skipping the party, and came for a while before heading home.

Finally, I had arranged for my parents and I to have some parent-daughter bonding time hiking yesterday morning. Not strenuous hiking, just enjoying the fall leaves. My mom loves leaf peeping, and they are visiting at prime leaf season. Again, I talked to them about this before they visited, and made sure they knew the forecast for the weekend. So Sunday morning rolls around and my dad doesn't want to go, because it's too cold outside, so the three of us sat on the couch instead. Not even talking to each other, because my dad was just watching Instagram reels the whole time.

These things happen every time they visit, and still, it's like my guilt at not seeing them causes amnesia, and I go right back to thinking it will be better next time, or I can somehow plan my way out of my dad being a narcissist. What can I do? Any tips?

You are a very difficult person and a terrible hostess - you take inflexible to a level I would never consider.

Ever consider you are the narcissist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.

There is ONE person who can't eat the donuts, why would you point that out? Maybe HE wanted donuts or he figured MOST of you could eat them. Honestly, I'm see this as more of a YOU problem and less of a him problem. Maybe it sets him off that you feel the need to remind him of your daughter's allergy like that means no one else can have anything with dairy in it.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a control freak.

[Anonymous]

You are trapped as a people pleaser and those folks are rage filled.
Larlo can't eat donuts. Why can't Larla and Mom and you?
So you waste some coffee. You could refrigerate it.
If they didn't want to go to party you should have gone. Your fake martyrdom forced them to go. Manipulation. Own it.
Give Pops a fleece and wash it after he leaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.

Except your examples don’t show you walking on eggshells. You didn’t let your kids eat the donuts he bought, you insisted they go to a party they didn’t want to go to, - it doesn’t seem like you have an issue going against what he wants.

Your answers are just blaming. You can’t see your own behaviour and blame everyone else. You want validation and are ignoring anything that isn’t saying you are right.

Ahh yes the kids should eat dairy containing food when someone in the house has an allergy. How special and loving of that grandfather.

I am saying she doesn’t have an issue standing up to her dad, she didn’t govern the kids donuts and give the other kid an equivalent non dairy treat. She was able to say we aren’t eating your donuts - which isn’t walking on eggshells. Walking on eggshells would mean worrying about how he would react if you didn’t eat the donuts so finding a way to eat the donuts and treat the other child.

[Anonymous]

Where are all these trolls coming from? I’m thinking it must be AI-related somehow, but why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.

Except your examples don’t show you walking on eggshells. You didn’t let your kids eat the donuts he bought, you insisted they go to a party they didn’t want to go to, - it doesn’t seem like you have an issue going against what he wants.

Your answers are just blaming. You can’t see your own behaviour and blame everyone else. You want validation and are ignoring anything that isn’t saying you are right.

Ahh yes the kids should eat dairy containing food when someone in the house has an allergy. How special and loving of that grandfather.

OP has more than one kid, duh. Why can't the rest of them, and everyone else, eat the donuts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP, because I am also a little rigid and like to plan, but this is a you problem.

Plan to do NOTHING when your parents visit. I literally just make sure I have some beverages they like and a cribbage board out. If they feel up to a walk or another outing in the moment, we do it. Otherwise it's all play by ear or I specifically leave them home while I take my kids to must-not-skip events.

We have planned to do nothing before and they spend the entire time sitting on my couch staring at their phones. It's awkward for DH and I to sit and listen to their Instagram reels. Plus, my kids notice that my parents aren't really "visiting" with us, and it makes them feel like their grandparents aren't interested in them.

Then don’t be rigid!! Have options for several things to do and let them choose at the time. Simple. Have one set plan with a time - like a movie out or a dinner reservation - no more.

I usually have a could gardens and parks (nice weather), a couple museums (crap weather), a couple activities I.e., movie or bowling. Then planned downtime with board games - of which there are several options.

If my parents brought something one of my kids was allergic to - I’d gently remind them and let the other kids indulge. I’d make the other kid a treat to compensate - but what I wouldn’t do is complain at someone’s generosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.

It's a you thing.
You are passive aggressive. Why mention Larla can't have one, just take one and say thanks.
If he ever does rage out that's great. You have a reason why they cannot ever visit again.

[Anonymous]

These things aren't so serious. But it does sound like you put a lot of effort into planning a visit everyone can enjoy, so I get why you are frustrated.

I think your parents, like many old people, don't want to do as many activities anymore. And they get cold. My mom racks up a gas bill of $400 sitting in front of the gas fireplace every time she comes, with a fleece blanket over her and our heat cranked to 74. My MIL doesn't like air conditioning in the car in DC in June. She likes all the windows up, no air, and a jacket. Old people get weirdly cold.

I would just plan less things and keep games and puzzles at home. Maybe suggest a few lunches or dinners out. Old people love to go out to eat, IME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they like the attention that all this planning gives them.

This! You need to stop feeding the beast and catering to him! Stop caring if he’s offended. Being a good host does not mean falling over yourself for every whim. Think, Ma’am this is a Hyatt not the Four Seasons.

Also you probably need to let go of the fantasy in your mind of how wonderful these bonding experiences will be. You don’t bond over a visit. You don’t form or change relationships over a visit. You either enjoy them in the moment or you let the crap roll off your back and hold to your boundaries while you check the obligation box.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the donut thing was your dad trying to do something nice for your mom which is kind and thoughtful to her. I don’t think that most people think of donuts as “dairy” so I can see where he made that mistake. He didn’t come home with a jug of milk for your daughter, he came home with baked goods.. and I’ve noticed that older people sometimes don’t get food allergies because they’re definitely more prevalent in younger generations. My daughter has celiac and my dad just does not understand it. He grew up in a very poor part of the world where testing for food allergies would never have happened so it just isn’t how he’s trained to think.