How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are all these trolls coming from? I’m thinking it must be AI-related somehow, but why?

What trolls?

[Anonymous]

He snuck out of the house...
Mic drop for OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, you said this: "And when telling the story of the things my dad does, they actually don't sound that bad and I feel crazy for getting so worked up about it."

And it's true. None of it sounds bad at all. This is where you need to do the work. What are you actually getting worked up about and why?

[Anonymous]

Did you mean to say that when you say no to your father, he has enormous tantrums and makes things really unpleasant?

Because then yes, he would be a terrible person. But since you never say no, and always act like a doormat, I can't see that side of him.

If you absolutely insist on not making waves with this man, then whenever he visits you have to block out the whole visit without any scheduled events, just so that when he changes the family plans, no one is disappointed.

Of course, I don't live my life this way. When my parents annoy me, I let them know in no uncertain terms

[Anonymous]

You are also screwing up your younger kid mentally by insisting everything has to be "equal" with your oldest with allergies. Nothing happens to your oldest if they don't get a donut. Nothing. You're really going out of your way to control everything. Kids get unequal things all the time: toys for presents because of different ages, gifts from others etc. There is no need to ruin the life and enjoyment of food for your youngest.

[Anonymous]

Ive never seen someone as confused as OP about who's really the problem here. Like OP you have zero, ZERO self awareness that it's really disturbing. Please seek therapy asap. You have serious control issues and you're making your own life totally miserable for no reason. Also you don't have real problems here just manufacturered ones you fabricated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.

There is ONE person who can't eat the donuts, why would you point that out? Maybe HE wanted donuts or he figured MOST of you could eat them. Honestly, I'm see this as more of a YOU problem and less of a him problem. Maybe it sets him off that you feel the need to remind him of your daughter's allergy like that means no one else can have anything with dairy in it.

He walked into the house and announced to the kids that he brought them donuts. They were already eating breakfast by the time he got back, and my oldest couldn't eat them, so it went from being a nice treat he thought he was getting them to a whole thing. My oldest handles her allergy pretty well for a 7 year old, but it's still hard for her, and especially hard when she misses out on something that my younger one gets to have. We make a point of going to ice cream places that have non-dairy options, so they can both get something. I would never get a donut for my younger one without getting something equivalent for my older one, because that's just insensitive. And, yes, my dad probably forgot about her allergy or just didn't think about the fact that donuts have milk in them (he also got cream-filled donuts, which are more obviously dairy), but if he had said, "I'm going out to get the kids donuts for breakfast," I could have reminded him about the allergy and redirected him. Instead, he snuck out of the house without talking to anyone.

None of your follows up are really helping your case. You are trying to control everything, including your kids' emotions and reactions. It would not have been a whole thing if you didn't make it a whole thing. I have a food allergic child. Don't treat it like a national tragedy or like the kid's entire life is going to be fair. It's not.

Her life is not always fair and we have that discussion about her allergy and about managing disappointment. But I don't have to let it be unfair first thing in the morning.

And controlling my kids' emotions? I grew up hiding any reaction of mine that wasn't happy because otherwise my dad would either brush off my emotional reaction or else get angry that I wasn't sufficiently excited about his surprises. That's controlling a kid's emotions and reactions. Controlling my kids' emotions would have been me directing them to pretend they weren't upset about the donuts so they wouldn't upset my dad. We spend a lot of time talking to our kids about their feelings and how to understand and process their emotions, instead of burying them or being afraid of them.

Do you understand that you are reacting to this things that are not actually happening? Like you are trying to stage manage everyone’s feelings because 10? 20? 30? Years ago he didn’t want you to
show yours? The guy is a boomer parent - the vast majority of them didn’t want kids to show negative feelings. He cannot control your emotions anymore than you can control your kids. And yes, you are still trying to control your kids’ emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.

There is ONE person who can't eat the donuts, why would you point that out? Maybe HE wanted donuts or he figured MOST of you could eat them. Honestly, I'm see this as more of a YOU problem and less of a him problem. Maybe it sets him off that you feel the need to remind him of your daughter's allergy like that means no one else can have anything with dairy in it.

He walked into the house and announced to the kids that he brought them donuts. They were already eating breakfast by the time he got back, and my oldest couldn't eat them, so it went from being a nice treat he thought he was getting them to a whole thing. My oldest handles her allergy pretty well for a 7 year old, but it's still hard for her, and especially hard when she misses out on something that my younger one gets to have. We make a point of going to ice cream places that have non-dairy options, so they can both get something. I would never get a donut for my younger one without getting something equivalent for my older one, because that's just insensitive. And, yes, my dad probably forgot about her allergy or just didn't think about the fact that donuts have milk in them (he also got cream-filled donuts, which are more obviously dairy), but if he had said, "I'm going out to get the kids donuts for breakfast," I could have reminded him about the allergy and redirected him. Instead, he snuck out of the house without talking to anyone.

So he made a mistake. Let it go. I get that you think your parents should know all your rules, but as someone who doesn't live with that allergy, it seems like it didn't occur to him. Get mad if you want, but at least own your part in the unpleasantness of this trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.

There is ONE person who can't eat the donuts, why would you point that out? Maybe HE wanted donuts or he figured MOST of you could eat them. Honestly, I'm see this as more of a YOU problem and less of a him problem. Maybe it sets him off that you feel the need to remind him of your daughter's allergy like that means no one else can have anything with dairy in it.

He walked into the house and announced to the kids that he brought them donuts. They were already eating breakfast by the time he got back, and my oldest couldn't eat them, so it went from being a nice treat he thought he was getting them to a whole thing. My oldest handles her allergy pretty well for a 7 year old, but it's still hard for her, and especially hard when she misses out on something that my younger one gets to have. We make a point of going to ice cream places that have non-dairy options, so they can both get something. I would never get a donut for my younger one without getting something equivalent for my older one, because that's just insensitive. And, yes, my dad probably forgot about her allergy or just didn't think about the fact that donuts have milk in them (he also got cream-filled donuts, which are more obviously dairy), but if he had said, "I'm going out to get the kids donuts for breakfast," I could have reminded him about the allergy and redirected him. Instead, he snuck out of the house without talking to anyone.

None of your follows up are really helping your case. You are trying to control everything, including your kids' emotions and reactions. It would not have been a whole thing if you didn't make it a whole thing. I have a food allergic child. Don't treat it like a national tragedy or like the kid's entire life is going to be fair. It's not.

Her life is not always fair and we have that discussion about her allergy and about managing disappointment. But I don't have to let it be unfair first thing in the morning.

And controlling my kids' emotions? I grew up hiding any reaction of mine that wasn't happy because otherwise my dad would either brush off my emotional reaction or else get angry that I wasn't sufficiently excited about his surprises. That's controlling a kid's emotions and reactions. Controlling my kids' emotions would have been me directing them to pretend they weren't upset about the donuts so they wouldn't upset my dad. We spend a lot of time talking to our kids about their feelings and how to understand and process their emotions, instead of burying them or being afraid of them.

You also don't have to be a jerk about it. See how that works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are also screwing up your younger kid mentally by insisting everything has to be "equal" with your oldest with allergies. Nothing happens to your oldest if they don't get a donut. Nothing. You're really going out of your way to control everything. Kids get unequal things all the time: toys for presents because of different ages, gifts from others etc. There is no need to ruin the life and enjoyment of food for your youngest.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are also screwing up your younger kid mentally by insisting everything has to be "equal" with your oldest with allergies. Nothing happens to your oldest if they don't get a donut. Nothing. You're really going out of your way to control everything. Kids get unequal things all the time: toys for presents because of different ages, gifts from others etc. There is no need to ruin the life and enjoyment of food for your youngest.

I have twins of the same gender and this is so true. Sometimes one of them gets invited to an awesome birthday party (think Busch Gardens) and the other doesn't. That's life. One of them got the chance to do a super high level of the sport they both play and the other didn't. That's life. If I held one back from going to Busch Gardens or traveling across the country for a championship meet just because the other wasn't going, that would be pretty crappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ive never seen someone as confused as OP about who's really the problem here. Like OP you have zero, ZERO self awareness that it's really disturbing. Please seek therapy asap. You have serious control issues and you're making your own life totally miserable for no reason. Also you don't have real problems here just manufacturered ones you fabricated.

That was my first thought too. Zero self awareness. This person is really stupid. Based on her past, she sounds far from kind, but more than anything, stupid. I wonder if she has a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd describe the behavior as narcissistic and I have a narcissistic parent.

My suggestion is be more realistic about their age and where they're at in life and lighten up a bit and just be more flexible. It sounds like you are really planning everything out ahead of time and when it doesn't go your way, you're not very adaptable. Your dairy allergic child must surely be around food all the time he or she can't eat. What's the big deal about the donuts. Eat them or don't.

Thinking they'd want to go to a neighborhood house party is kind of odd. I barely want to go to those now depending on the day I've had and I know all my neighbors! I would have sent my spouse with the kids to the party and stayed home and watched a movie with my parents.

Too cold outside? Lend him a sweatshirt or a jacket.

Don't want to do the hike? How about a drive through some scenic country and a stop at an apple orchard place.

In general, have a loose plan and offer options.

+1 to all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.

Thanks. Honestly, my dad is incredibly laid back...until he isn't. And it's not always clear exactly what's going to set him off, but then he is very scary when he's angry. And something as simple as, "Thank you, but Larla can't have dairy," could be the thing that sets him off. He could get belligerent and treat it like I'm accusing him of not being a good grandfather or something. And I wouldn't be able to convince my mom to leave him alone to go for a hike, because she would be afraid that he would feel left out. Better that we all sit together on our phones. Really, it's probably the unpredictability of his anger that is the real problem, because we all walk on eggshells around him, rather than dealing with the minor issues as they arise.

Ah. This is a different problem. One that is very familiar, unfortunately. I did not clue in on you needing to be grateful for the coffee and donuts, but now I get it.

So your problem is not planning activities for a visit. Your problem is that you have never dealt with the fact that your father has anger issues/rejection issues, etc. I understand why you say he's a narcissist - a lot of what you experience from him seems like narcissistic traits - the DARVO, the refusal to take any responsibility, the walking on eggshells all the time. I have a person just like this in my life.

My advice is to forget about trying to engineer the perfect visit and go get therapy to learn how to set boundaries and how to deal with your dad and his behavior. I can see that you are trying to navigate the relationship so that the kids will have a good grandparent experience. Admirable, but eventually things are going to come to a head.

[Anonymous]

The unexpected anger could be a personality disorder.

Relatives of those with borderline personality disorder often use the phrase “walking on eggshells” to describe life with that person.

Also your mom worries dad will “feel left out.” Another possible borderline indicator.

Read more about borderline and see if your dad fits into the description.