How to stop amnesia about how narcissistic my dad is?

[Anonymous]

My parents visit us about once a year. They would like to come more often, but I always put them off until I feel so bad about not seeing them (and them not seeing our kids), that I cave. And every time, I think, "It won't be that bad. I'm blowing last time out of proportion." I always think I can just prepare better somehow - mentally prep myself and my kids, plan more activities or different activities or fewer activities, stock food they like in my fridge. I don't know. I'm wrong, every time. Honestly, if it was just my mom coming for a visit, it would be fine. And when telling the story of the things my dad does, they actually don't sound that bad and I feel crazy for getting so worked up about it.

So, this year, I had multiple conversations with them about the activities we had planned for the weekend, the food they wanted us to have in the house vs. the times we would eat out, the weather forecast. They were on board with everything. "Yes," they said, "that all sounds great."

They arrived Friday night and everything was fine. We had dinner at home with no problems.

The next morning, my dad slipped out of the house without saying anything and came back 20 minutes later with a box of donuts, coffee for me and coffee for my mom. The problem? My oldest has a dairy allergy and can't eat donuts. I don't drink coffee. And we had already brewed my mom coffee at home, which we bought specifically for her and had a conversation about how we would have it for her. So then I had to be the bad guy who told me kids they couldn't have donuts and act grateful for the coffee (while secretly dumping it), and waste the coffee we made for my mom, so she could drink the stuff my dad bought. Because if you're not grateful to my dad for going out of his way to do this, he will get offended, even though he made the morning more difficult.

The daytime activities were fine, except it was cold this weekend and, despite telling my parents to bring heavy coats for morning activities outdoors, my dad was not prepared and spent most of the time complaining about how cold it was.

In the evening, we had plans to go to a house party in the neighborhood. All of our kids' friends would be there and it is a very chill group, including new people and some other visiting grandparents. As we were walking out the door, my parents said actually they didn't want to go because it is too cold and they don't know anyone. Again, I told them this party was happening and they said they would be happy to go. If they didn't want to, we could have declined the party and not told our kids about it. But pulling out at the last minute meant we had to tell our kids we weren't going, because we didn't want to be bad hosts who don't spend time with our guests, and we can see our friends another time. Thankfully, my parents recognized what a meltdown they were about to walk into by skipping the party, and came for a while before heading home.

Finally, I had arranged for my parents and I to have some parent-daughter bonding time hiking yesterday morning. Not strenuous hiking, just enjoying the fall leaves. My mom loves leaf peeping, and they are visiting at prime leaf season. Again, I talked to them about this before they visited, and made sure they knew the forecast for the weekend. So Sunday morning rolls around and my dad doesn't want to go, because it's too cold outside, so the three of us sat on the couch instead. Not even talking to each other, because my dad was just watching Instagram reels the whole time.

These things happen every time they visit, and still, it's like my guilt at not seeing them causes amnesia, and I go right back to thinking it will be better next time, or I can somehow plan my way out of my dad being a narcissist. What can I do? Any tips?

[Anonymous]

I thought this was going to be about him doing something really horrible or saying offensive stuff. Being cold, buying donuts and coffee, and not wantng to attend a party? There is literally nothing wrong with any of that and you are being too rigid.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I'd describe the behavior as narcissistic and I have a narcissistic parent.

My suggestion is be more realistic about their age and where they're at in life and lighten up a bit and just be more flexible. It sounds like you are really planning everything out ahead of time and when it doesn't go your way, you're not very adaptable. Your dairy allergic child must surely be around food all the time he or she can't eat. What's the big deal about the donuts. Eat them or don't.

Thinking they'd want to go to a neighborhood house party is kind of odd. I barely want to go to those now depending on the day I've had and I know all my neighbors! I would have sent my spouse with the kids to the party and stayed home and watched a movie with my parents.

Too cold outside? Lend him a sweatshirt or a jacket.

Don't want to do the hike? How about a drive through some scenic country and a stop at an apple orchard place.

In general, have a loose plan and offer options.

[Anonymous]

So after there was lots of complaining about it being cold (and it was cold), pivot to a different activity Sunday morning.

Hey mom and dad, what would you like to do tomorrow AM. Give options and listen to feedback.

After a long day of activities, who wants to go to a party where they know no one?

Complaining about "wasting" coffee? It's water run through coffee grounds. Also, next time put it in your fridge and you could offer cold brew the next morning.

[Anonymous]

You should have just gone to the party without them. Sometimes guests and hosts need a break from each other. And old people can be unpredictable. My dad can't go anywhere until he has pooped and it takes how long it takes. Accept that he can't commit to things.

They may have agreed to things because they wanted the visit, with the plan of backing out of the agreements all along. You need to stop thinking more planning will help. What will help is you being more flexible. If they don't want to do what's planned, let it go. It's ok if they said they want that coffee and then they don't want it. Annoying but not worth giving any thoughts to.

[Anonymous]

I think they like the attention that all this planning gives them.

[Anonymous]

Don't plan evening activities with old people! You should have accepted that they didn't want to go and gone yourself. It wouldn't make you a bad host. They're old and needed an early night. They would probably appreciate a break.

Accept that your dad is a pain and stop trying to fix it. Your life will be much easier that way.

[Anonymous]

You are looking for your Dad to be a different guy. What happened if you just accepted this is how he is because you are getting worked up about some petty stuff.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you plan a very rigid visit and then struggle when things don’t go exactly how you planned them and your way. Nothing in your post includes anything about what anyone else likes or enjoys but you. Does anyone else get any input ever?

There are many, many ways to be more flexible and find ways to enjoy a visit and incorporate other people’s opinions and likes and dislikes into it. You are creating the problem.

And you could have gone to the party and left for your parents at home to relax on their own. But no, you had decided they would go to this party and in your own words were prepared to have a massive meltdown if they didn’t do exactly what you said, when you said, how you said.

Do you know how controlling it is to force visitors ahead of time to commit to an exact schedule and what foods they will eat and where they will go and what they will do if they want to visit? Your need to control every little thing and to have everything your way is the issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you plan a very rigid visit and then struggle when things don’t go exactly how you planned them and your way. Nothing in your post includes anything about what anyone else likes or enjoys but you. Does anyone else get any input ever?

There are many, many ways to be more flexible and find ways to enjoy a visit and incorporate other people’s opinions and likes and dislikes into it. You are creating the problem.

And you could have gone to the party and left for your parents at home to relax on their own. But no, you had decided they would go to this party and in your own words were prepared to have a massive meltdown if they didn’t do exactly what you said, when you said, how you said.

Do you know how controlling it is to force visitors ahead of time to commit to an exact schedule and what foods they will eat and where they will go and what they will do if they want to visit? Your need to control every little thing and to have everything your way is the issue here.

This. Your mom probably doesn't love it either but she's just going along with it to keep the peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are looking for your Dad to be a different guy. What happened if you just accepted this is how he is because you are getting worked up about some petty stuff.

There is something to this. You seemed to plan for things you mom likes and likes to do, then acted surprised that he wasn't up for it all.

[Anonymous]

You're too controlling to have any meaningful relationship. Work on your codependency.

Also learn what "narcissistic" means as nothing you painstakingly described is narcissistic. You're petty and looking for problems so much so I think you're trolling with this post and this can't possibly be real. These ate not problem but the fact you think they are is the real problem.

[Anonymous]

Your older dad is cold all day and you proceed to march him through the day's activities anyway and you are mad when he complains he is cold? He's just supposed to go all day and be cold and shutup because you told him to bring a heavier jacket. Otherwise he's a narcissist? I don't think you know what narcissist means.

Were you out and about? Buy him a jacket or a sweatshirt. Let him borrow one from home. Curtail the activities or move to something indoors.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP, because I am also a little rigid and like to plan, but this is a you problem.

Plan to do NOTHING when your parents visit. I literally just make sure I have some beverages they like and a cribbage board out. If they feel up to a walk or another outing in the moment, we do it. Otherwise it's all play by ear or I specifically leave them home while I take my kids to must-not-skip events.

[Anonymous]

I would have gone on the hike with my mom. It sounds like you all cater to your father. Why? So what if he’s offended? You can gently say, “thanks so much for the donuts! Unfortunately, Larla can’t have dairy – – I think we’ve mentioned this before. Otherwise she would love to have that.”

Your parents probably thought they could handle going to the party, but then when the time came, they just did not want to. Some people are going with the flow and some people aren’t. Sounds like you all worked through it and found a solution that worked for everybody

I think the problem is, you don’t want to stand up to your parents, and that’s the only thing that you can really control. I hate to say it, but after reading this website for a few years, your examples are not really that serious. Is it annoying? Sure. Do those things add up over the course of a visit? Sure. Is this an insurmountable problem coming from your father? Not so sure. I think you can change your mindset and steel yourself to push back a bit. See how that works next time.