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[quote=Anonymous]Sorry, OP. That sounds rough. I think it's easy to think of this as an emotional problem (it's so hard, regret, resentment, unhappiness, etc), but I actually think this is full of practical problems that are solvable. I don't think acceptance of "well, yeah, I regret this" is the best path for you. The key is this: "I always feel overwhelmed and like everyone understands this parenting thing except me." Okay. Well, everything is a skill, and I bet you can figure out a way to parent such that your life is better. Really. It doesn't have to suck. You've gotten through the divorce, that's great, and now you can turn towards the rhythm of your days and what you can change to make your life work for you.

I would start on two paths, conveniently, one with the kids, and one to focus on when they're not with you. When they're not with you - you need to focus on yourself. Are you taking care of yourself? Eating enough fruits and veggies? Getting enough sleep? Exercising? Do you think you might be depressed (might be worth a screening)? How's your social life? Do you have friends that you can talk to? Do you have hobbies that are fun and engaging? How much time are you spending on your phone (too much scrolling will make you hate your life without you even noticing, IMHO). Start small with an area that needs improvement, and build some wins. A divorce is an opportunity to remake your life into something you love. Always wanted to play guitar - now's the time to learn!

Then - the kid path. There is a huge school of thought right now, somewhat unspoken, that's basically, you do everything the kids need and whatever is best for them at all times because that's what parents do. I'm here to tell you that is bunk, and for many people (including you) a path to absolute misery. There's a lot that kids need (food, clothing, shelter, education, love) but they also need a mother who doesn't hate her life. And they need that more than a snack whenever they ask for it. By a LOT. So, how can you fix the way you parent to give yourself some space?

For the three year old, I'd recommend fairly strict, predictable routines. Ex: You've got to stay in your bed until the okay to wake clock turns green at 7:30am. Snacks are served at 10am and 4pm on weekends, and after school on weekdays, and that's it. You sit and eat your snack (no back and forth from table to toys), and then the kitchen is closed until the next meal. Standard going-out-the-door routines, standard arriving-home routines, standard bedtime routines. Very predictable. Kids THRIVE under routines. You don't have to standardize everything right away, and you will definitely get push back at the beginning - but again, start with one thing, and get it to a place where it doesn't suck. Snacks feel like an easy starting place. If you have issues with your kid listening, testing boundaries, and misbehaving, I recommend 1-2-3 Magic.

The part that's hard about this is for each of these improvements, it will get worse before it gets better. It's much easier to drink coffee while bleary eyed and watch your 3 year old play at 6am than it is to silently walk her back to her bed every 30 seconds while she screams, from 6am-7:30am. But if you do that for a week, then... you get to sleep until 7:30am every day. Same with all these other changes.

My kids are all under 9 so I don't have specific ideas for that age, but my instinct is that independence is the answer here. Start teaching her some serious life skills, and give her a chance to do stuff on her own. Good for her, freeing for you.

Talk with other parents you know who seem like they do "understand the parenting thing" and get tips. Ask for help here on DCUM for specific parts of your day and areas of parenting that you're struggling with. There IS a path to make this, if not fun, at least manageable, for you to not feel overwhelmed, and for you to enjoy your life. I promise, this exists. Don't give up on your own happiness - you can make this work for you. You don't "suck as a parent" - you just have more to learn. Congrats, so does everyone. You'll find your rhythm. Don't give up. [/quote]

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