I have no desire to be around my toxic resentful son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he has a diagnosable personality disorder, and if he blames you for stuff, understand that nothing you do to "show him love", like some misguided PPs have suggested, will persuade him that you are a worthy person. So you don't even have to try. What you need to do is stay neutral and distance yourself during these moods. If they strike without warning, you are justified in never letting him inside your home. Change your locks, make sure the outside doors and garage doors are always locked. Do not invite him in. Meet in cafes/restaurants/etc and if he starts a tantrum, leave in full view of everyone. If ever he becomes very aggressive, perhaps calling 911 and asking for an involuntary hold will get him an evaluation, but I doubt it. The system is not set up to help psychiatric patients and their families.

I'm really sorry, OP, especially as your husband was the same way. You deserve trustworthy relationships in your life. Do you have other children, relatives and friends who fill that space?

Mentally ill people need love and family just like everybody else -- maybe even more. She doesn't need to show him she's worthy or anything else. If she's the one who's mentally healthy, she should be able to distance herself from his judgement of her and still be his parent.

I agree it's some sort of disorder but what, I don't know.
Willingly being around this type of person is enabling and normalizing the behaviour.

I see it with my own sibling and mother. Sibling is late 50s, living part-time with mother. Sibling lost marriage and kids. Deeply unpleasant person to be around (so is mother). I strongly suspect a form of undiagnosed ASD.

[Anonymous]

I think your approach is spot on - not willing to see him unless he is treating his illness. I’d be firm but try to show some love while communicating this. Your experiences with your husband have (understandably) made you extra triggered here and you may be treating your son without compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he has a diagnosable personality disorder, and if he blames you for stuff, understand that nothing you do to "show him love", like some misguided PPs have suggested, will persuade him that you are a worthy person. So you don't even have to try. What you need to do is stay neutral and distance yourself during these moods. If they strike without warning, you are justified in never letting him inside your home. Change your locks, make sure the outside doors and garage doors are always locked. Do not invite him in. Meet in cafes/restaurants/etc and if he starts a tantrum, leave in full view of everyone. If ever he becomes very aggressive, perhaps calling 911 and asking for an involuntary hold will get him an evaluation, but I doubt it. The system is not set up to help psychiatric patients and their families.

I'm really sorry, OP, especially as your husband was the same way. You deserve trustworthy relationships in your life. Do you have other children, relatives and friends who fill that space?

Mentally ill people need love and family just like everybody else -- maybe even more. She doesn't need to show him she's worthy or anything else. If she's the one who's mentally healthy, she should be able to distance herself from his judgement of her and still be his parent.

I agree it's some sort of disorder but what, I don't know.
Willingly being around this type of person is enabling and normalizing the behaviour.

I see it with my own sibling and mother. Sibling is late 50s, living part-time with mother. Sibling lost marriage and kids. Deeply unpleasant person to be around (so is mother). I strongly suspect a form of undiagnosed ASD.

People aren't mentally ill on purpose. Like they can't say, "This isn't working so I'm just going to stop." Not being around them isn't going to help them -- it's only going to hurt them even more than being mentally ill. Show some compassion and be grateful it's not you who is suffering with it.

[Anonymous]

How does he manage to have a gf? What is she like?

[Anonymous]

Ask him to attend family counseling with you. Both seek individual therapy as well. Meet for things like movie, bowling, concert etc so you are bonding together but not each other's sole focus. Don't overdo it or he'll resent that too but remember he needs to know that you still deeply care about him, just don't know how to rebuild the connection.

[Anonymous]

Its sad how most adult children blame parents for their issues. Parents are also living this life for first time and learning things as they go but since they care and tolerate bad behavior, they are easy targets for adult children's anger towards life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been treated for your own mental illness?

Please stop with this mean-spirited trolling.

DP. I mean I was kinda thinking the same reading this. OP could have described my brother. I can’t stand him, but I’d never make the leap to him harming my single mother. I don’t think it would occur to her either, and believe me she’s an anxious person.

OP definitely has anxiety.

You have no idea what level of risk is presented by OPs son.

NP. “The mood swings typically consist of bitter/biting words, sarcasm, and resentment.” That doesn’t sound very risky. I agree, OP sounds overdramatic.

I thought the same thing about the son of an acquaintance. Then he murdered her. A similar thing happened with a friend and her husband. Do you have any direct experience with domestic violence, or just speculation and assumptions?

[Anonymous]

I had to cut contact with my mentally ill adult son for a period of time. He assaulted me. There had been lots of property damage before this but once that line was crossed he had to leave.

After some time being hospitalized and living in a hotel, he asked to come back. A condition is taking his medication - there are other conditions as well. It has been almost two years and I can unequivocally say, it was the single most successful intervention I have done.

It took almost a year to get the medication optimal, which was hard on him. But I never wavered as far as our agreements and he has complied. And my son is finally on a path to success - in college, working and getting good grades. He’s repaired the relationship between him and each member of our family. I feel like we got a miracle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been treated for your own mental illness?

Please stop with this mean-spirited trolling.

DP. I mean I was kinda thinking the same reading this. OP could have described my brother. I can’t stand him, but I’d never make the leap to him harming my single mother. I don’t think it would occur to her either, and believe me she’s an anxious person.

OP definitely has anxiety.

You have no idea what level of risk is presented by OPs son.

NP. “The mood swings typically consist of bitter/biting words, sarcasm, and resentment.” That doesn’t sound very risky. I agree, OP sounds overdramatic.

I thought the same thing about the son of an acquaintance. Then he murdered her. A similar thing happened with a friend and her husband. Do you have any direct experience with domestic violence, or just speculation and assumptions?

I assume most people have only speculation. Maybe you are bad luck?

[Anonymous]

I would treat visits the same way as supervised visitation. Be in a relatively safe space with other people.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. You’ve been on quite the journey. I’ve worked with families in similar situations. Safety first. If you feel genuinely unsafe with him having access to your home, trust your instinct. Also, it sounds like you have come to a peace with his autonomy in making his own decisions (even if they are not wise ones). That’s a difficult place to get to and honestly, loving to both him and yourself.

Do you have a therapist? This would be helpful in helping you maintain perspective. If he’s living nearby, you’ll have to make a lot of decisions about how your interact with him and it would be good to have your own emotional support as well as an objective person who understands his condition and can help you navigate it.

If you want to actively help him, you can offer to assist him in finding mental health professionals that accept his insurance and offer to make an appointment. You can tell him that offer is always on the table if/when he is interested.

[Anonymous]

I would love to hear his side of the story. If he was posting, I’m sure everyone would be bashing his mom. She probably didn’t protect him from his father.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need a desire, it’s your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 30-year-old son recently and abruptly moved back to town after several years living in Chicago with his girlfriend (no kids). For many years, he has had severe depressive mood swings that he won't treat. The mood swings typically consist of bitter/biting words, sarcasm, and resentment. He's hyper sensitive and finds reasons to be upset/lash out, and I am generally the target (his dad is deceased, and he had a similar mood disorder when we were married).

I didn't enjoy his visits and was always glad when he left. Now that he's here, he's pressing to visit, but I am not interested in visiting unless he is receiving medical treatment. I know this may seem extreme, but with all the recent reports of kids harming their parents, I have concerns about his untreated anger.

I love him, but from a distance at this point. Can anyone relate to distancing themselves from an adult child? What was the outcome?

At this point, you are both independent adults so your mental and physical safety is as important as his. If you feel afraid, get a restraining order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love to hear his side of the story. If he was posting, I’m sure everyone would be bashing his mom. She probably didn’t protect him from his father.

No excuse to be abusive. He's a grown 30 year old man now.

If he can't see they were BOTH victims of the circumstances/family dynamics, he never will. That's why OP/mom has pushed for therapy.

OP -- Be safe and as others have suggested, meet up in a restaurant/public place. No need to have him over...