I have no desire to be around my toxic resentful son

[Anonymous]

My 30-year-old son recently and abruptly moved back to town after several years living in Chicago with his girlfriend (no kids). For many years, he has had severe depressive mood swings that he won't treat. The mood swings typically consist of bitter/biting words, sarcasm, and resentment. He's hyper sensitive and finds reasons to be upset/lash out, and I am generally the target (his dad is deceased, and he had a similar mood disorder when we were married).

I didn't enjoy his visits and was always glad when he left. Now that he's here, he's pressing to visit, but I am not interested in visiting unless he is receiving medical treatment. I know this may seem extreme, but with all the recent reports of kids harming their parents, I have concerns about his untreated anger.

I love him, but from a distance at this point. Can anyone relate to distancing themselves from an adult child? What was the outcome?

[Anonymous]

Your son is mentally ill. He needs you.

[Anonymous]

Only meet in public. This is heartbreaking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only meet in public. This is heartbreaking

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only meet in public. This is heartbreaking

This. I would arrange to meet for lunch out somewhere with other people.

[Anonymous]

Public. Go out to dinner. You pay and send him on his way.

[Anonymous]

In addition to meeting in public, stop by with a friend and drop off things -- a meal, a gift, whatever, so he feels some love from you.

[Anonymous]

Has he ever been evaluated for bipolar disorder?

You should do exactly what you think is right for you, OP. If it means holding him at arm's length, then so be it.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he has a diagnosable personality disorder, and if he blames you for stuff, understand that nothing you do to "show him love", like some misguided PPs have suggested, will persuade him that you are a worthy person. So you don't even have to try. What you need to do is stay neutral and distance yourself during these moods. If they strike without warning, you are justified in never letting him inside your home. Change your locks, make sure the outside doors and garage doors are always locked. Do not invite him in. Meet in cafes/restaurants/etc and if he starts a tantrum, leave in full view of everyone. If ever he becomes very aggressive, perhaps calling 911 and asking for an involuntary hold will get him an evaluation, but I doubt it. The system is not set up to help psychiatric patients and their families.

I'm really sorry, OP, especially as your husband was the same way. You deserve trustworthy relationships in your life. Do you have other children, relatives and friends who fill that space?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s okay to set boundaries. IMO, it sounds like you’ve spent at least part of your life dealing with emotionally and verbally abusive men with your husband being a primary example and you are finally saying no more. You should be proud of yourself for not accepting abuse. I would offer your son support with getting help but not let him abuse you. I feel that is the extent of your obligation at this point. It sounds like he needs professional help from a third party like a therapist and/or psychiatrist. Offer to get him connected and provide financial assistance with treatment if you are able. You deserve peace and happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is mentally ill. He needs you.

Mental illness is now synonymous with danger. Everyone has gone mad on a different level. If I weren't the target of his anger, I'd be open to helping, but what he needs is beyond what I can provide and what I feel comfortable with providing. I can provide resources, but have to put physical distance between us.

Wrong!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he has a diagnosable personality disorder, and if he blames you for stuff, understand that nothing you do to "show him love", like some misguided PPs have suggested, will persuade him that you are a worthy person. So you don't even have to try. What you need to do is stay neutral and distance yourself during these moods. If they strike without warning, you are justified in never letting him inside your home. Change your locks, make sure the outside doors and garage doors are always locked. Do not invite him in. Meet in cafes/restaurants/etc and if he starts a tantrum, leave in full view of everyone. If ever he becomes very aggressive, perhaps calling 911 and asking for an involuntary hold will get him an evaluation, but I doubt it. The system is not set up to help psychiatric patients and their families.

I'm really sorry, OP, especially as your husband was the same way. You deserve trustworthy relationships in your life. Do you have other children, relatives and friends who fill that space?

Mentally ill people need love and family just like everybody else -- maybe even more. She doesn't need to show him she's worthy or anything else. If she's the one who's mentally healthy, she should be able to distance herself from his judgement of her and still be his parent.

[Anonymous]

Maybe just meet for lunch at a restaurant. I dont think you need to have him over if you dont want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been treated for your own mental illness?

Please stop with this mean-spirited trolling.

DP. I mean I was kinda thinking the same reading this. OP could have described my brother. I can’t stand him, but I’d never make the leap to him harming my single mother. I don’t think it would occur to her either, and believe me she’s an anxious person.

OP definitely has anxiety.

Op doesn't sound anxious to me. A lot of people are in denial about what their mentally ill children are capable of. I'm not saying mental illness equals violence but she knows her son. Op doesn't have mental illness she has boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only meet in public. This is heartbreaking

This.

+1