Caring or supporting for an elderly parent with a rotten personality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

[Anonymous]

I’m in this situation. He’s a jerk to me. Won’t let me hire anyone to help. I set boundaries, limit my time to only what’s necessary. But I have to be careful- last winter during a prolonged storm he was alone for 48 hrs. Fell and called emt. Days later, agency on agency protective services called me to investigate elder abuse! I was shocked, explained the unique circumstances, and it was fine - but now I’m acutely aware that I will be blamed if I don’t do the necessary things. Sucks. I can only work part time due to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:…I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

Do you live with your parent? If so, who moved in with whom? Do you work? Who cares for your parent when you’re not present? Is dementia involved? Who is paying for housing, groceries, medical costs? Are any other family members contributing?

Please don’t feel the need to answer, and I think you’re doing a very kind thing—but these details are important when it comes to caring for aging family members. Judging others in these extremely complicated situations isn’t helpful.

There is quite a bit of resistance by many older parents to allowing their adult children to influence (let alone take charge of) any of their affairs—while understandable, this puts adult children in the unfortunate and nearly impossible situation of being able to help only once things become quite dire.

Complicating matters today is that aging parents are living much longer with more serious health issues and disabilities.

https://www.prb.org/resources/fact-sheet-trends-in-family-care-for-older-americans/

Hopefully, there will be more support options on the horizon in the near future. In the meantime, it’s helpful to hear how and where others are finding support as they work to support their aging parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:…I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

Do you live with your parent? If so, who moved in with whom? Do you work? Who cares for your parent when you’re not present? Is dementia involved? Who is paying for housing, groceries, medical costs? Are any other family members contributing?

Please don’t feel the need to answer, and I think you’re doing a very kind thing—but these details are important when it comes to caring for aging family members. Judging others in these extremely complicated situations isn’t helpful.

There is quite a bit of resistance by many older parents to allowing their adult children to influence (let alone take charge of) any of their affairs—while understandable, this puts adult children in the unfortunate and nearly impossible situation of being able to help only once things become quite dire.

Complicating matters today is that aging parents are living much longer with more serious health issues and disabilities.

https://www.prb.org/resources/fact-sheet-trends-in-family-care-for-older-americans/

Hopefully, there will be more support options on the horizon in the near future. In the meantime, it’s helpful to hear how and where others are finding support as they work to support their aging parents.

No, they refuse to live with any of their children although I have asked for them to move in with me and my DH many times. I suspect that is because they cannot trust (or even love) which explains our upbringing. Sad. I see them every day and do the menial things like washing hair, cutting nails after scraping the food and dirt out, changing shirts covered in crumbs, driving over in the middle of the night if they call etc.

Yes, I am judging but even more I am encouraging others to be their best selves. If everyone on DCUM encouraged us to be the best we can be, to shine a light on better options than bitterness and retaliation and cutting people off, we would have a better community. The advice on DCUM often feels like a smoker telling someone not to bother quitting. Qutting is hard. It takes a lot of willpower and support. So does being kind sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Abusive parents are usually still making choices. They aren't physically assaulting the mailman, or launching caustic diatribes against family members they respect. Sure, some are explosive against everyone, but often it is directed.

Think about that. They are vile only when it suits them.

PP with all that sanctimoniousness? Go do what you will do, and stew in your own sense of superiority. But you are bringing more ill into the world. You are the original crab in a bucket. Enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Abusive parents are usually still making choices. They aren't physically assaulting the mailman, or launching caustic diatribes against family members they respect. Sure, some are explosive against everyone, but often it is directed.

Think about that. They are vile only when it suits them.

PP with all that sanctimoniousness? Go do what you will do, and stew in your own sense of superiority. But you are bringing more ill into the world. You are the original crab in a bucket. Enjoy it.

You are nasty, mean spirited and f'd up.

[Anonymous]

I would not. They can be rotten and rot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:…I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

Do you live with your parent? If so, who moved in with whom? Do you work? Who cares for your parent when you’re not present? Is dementia involved? Who is paying for housing, groceries, medical costs? Are any other family members contributing?

Please don’t feel the need to answer, and I think you’re doing a very kind thing—but these details are important when it comes to caring for aging family members. Judging others in these extremely complicated situations isn’t helpful.

There is quite a bit of resistance by many older parents to allowing their adult children to influence (let alone take charge of) any of their affairs—while understandable, this puts adult children in the unfortunate and nearly impossible situation of being able to help only once things become quite dire.

Complicating matters today is that aging parents are living much longer with more serious health issues and disabilities.

https://www.prb.org/resources/fact-sheet-trends-in-family-care-for-older-americans/

Hopefully, there will be more support options on the horizon in the near future. In the meantime, it’s helpful to hear how and where others are finding support as they work to support their aging parents.

No, they refuse to live with any of their children although I have asked for them to move in with me and my DH many times. I suspect that is because they cannot trust (or even love) which explains our upbringing. Sad. I see them every day and do the menial things like washing hair, cutting nails after scraping the food and dirt out, changing shirts covered in crumbs, driving over in the middle of the night if they call etc.

Yes, I am judging but even more I am encouraging others to be their best selves. If everyone on DCUM encouraged us to be the best we can be, to shine a light on better options than bitterness and retaliation and cutting people off, we would have a better community. The advice on DCUM often feels like a smoker telling someone not to bother quitting. Qutting is hard. It takes a lot of willpower and support. So does being kind sometimes.

Being kind to a nasty, old, broke person is literally a waste of my time. It's not my fault they are poor and have a horrible attitude. Let the adult welfare services deal with them if it comes to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:…I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

Do you live with your parent? If so, who moved in with whom? Do you work? Who cares for your parent when you’re not present? Is dementia involved? Who is paying for housing, groceries, medical costs? Are any other family members contributing?

Please don’t feel the need to answer, and I think you’re doing a very kind thing—but these details are important when it comes to caring for aging family members. Judging others in these extremely complicated situations isn’t helpful.

There is quite a bit of resistance by many older parents to allowing their adult children to influence (let alone take charge of) any of their affairs—while understandable, this puts adult children in the unfortunate and nearly impossible situation of being able to help only once things become quite dire.

Complicating matters today is that aging parents are living much longer with more serious health issues and disabilities.

https://www.prb.org/resources/fact-sheet-trends-in-family-care-for-older-americans/

Hopefully, there will be more support options on the horizon in the near future. In the meantime, it’s helpful to hear how and where others are finding support as they work to support their aging parents.

No, they refuse to live with any of their children although I have asked for them to move in with me and my DH many times. I suspect that is because they cannot trust (or even love) which explains our upbringing. Sad. I see them every day and do the menial things like washing hair, cutting nails after scraping the food and dirt out, changing shirts covered in crumbs, driving over in the middle of the night if they call etc.

Yes, I am judging but even more I am encouraging others to be their best selves. If everyone on DCUM encouraged us to be the best we can be, to shine a light on better options than bitterness and retaliation and cutting people off, we would have a better community. The advice on DCUM often feels like a smoker telling someone not to bother quitting. Qutting is hard. It takes a lot of willpower and support. So does being kind sometimes.

I hear you. Parents aren’t easy, and those who worried the least about their impact on their kids’ lives can also be the hardest to help in their older years.

Caretaking can be a lonely and isolating job. Hoping you have some happier outlets for connecting with others, too. Best to you.

[Anonymous]

I have a difficult dad and there is no way I would spend one weekend a month helping him. I am not sacrificing the life I have with my husband and kids for his nonsense. I also have a child with profound special needs that requires total care.

He has plenty of money. I can help him set up with services. But I’m not enabling him to keep living alone.

I don’t have to be kind to people that have been unkind to me. I don’t wish him harm, but I don’t have to help him. He endangered my life all the time by driving me around drunk. If he literally falls down drunk and dies, that is on him. I’ve told him this directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this situation. He’s a jerk to me. Won’t let me hire anyone to help. I set boundaries, limit my time to only what’s necessary. But I have to be careful- last winter during a prolonged storm he was alone for 48 hrs. Fell and called emt. Days later, agency on agency protective services called me to investigate elder abuse! I was shocked, explained the unique circumstances, and it was fine - but now I’m acutely aware that I will be blamed if I don’t do the necessary things. Sucks. I can only work part time due to him.

Don't let yourself be intimidated. In practice, elder abuse cannot be prosecuted unless you live in the same house as the elderly person and are the regular caregiver. An adult child who lives elsewhere cannot be held responsible if their parent slips and falls. I'm guessing your parent, who you said is a jerk, made some unfounded complaints about you to the EMT or medical team or social worker, and they were obligated to follow up. But following up hardly ever becomes anything more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Abusive parents are usually still making choices. They aren't physically assaulting the mailman, or launching caustic diatribes against family members they respect. Sure, some are explosive against everyone, but often it is directed.

Think about that. They are vile only when it suits them.

PP with all that sanctimoniousness? Go do what you will do, and stew in your own sense of superiority. But you are bringing more ill into the world. You are the original crab in a bucket. Enjoy it.

You are nasty, mean spirited and f'd up.

Not PP, but it's amusing that the poster who advocates caring for uncaring elders has such a potty mouth. What a hypocrite
He or she has been trolling all over this thread, BTW. All the other posters are rational people who take a more measured approach in what they can give to difficult seniors.

[Anonymous]

Outsource as much as you can. Hire cleaners to come while the sibling or you have them out of the house. order groceries online and have them delivered. stuff like that.