Caring or supporting for an elderly parent with a rotten personality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Abusive parents are usually still making choices. They aren't physically assaulting the mailman, or launching caustic diatribes against family members they respect. Sure, some are explosive against everyone, but often it is directed.

Think about that. They are vile only when it suits them.

PP with all that sanctimoniousness? Go do what you will do, and stew in your own sense of superiority. But you are bringing more ill into the world. You are the original crab in a bucket. Enjoy it.

You are nasty, mean spirited and f'd up.

Wow, where's all that compassion you preach about??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Abusive parents are usually still making choices. They aren't physically assaulting the mailman, or launching caustic diatribes against family members they respect. Sure, some are explosive against everyone, but often it is directed.

Think about that. They are vile only when it suits them.

PP with all that sanctimoniousness? Go do what you will do, and stew in your own sense of superiority. But you are bringing more ill into the world. You are the original crab in a bucket. Enjoy it.

You are nasty, mean spirited and f'd up.

Wow, where's all that compassion you preach about??

I'm not a saint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Abusive parents are usually still making choices. They aren't physically assaulting the mailman, or launching caustic diatribes against family members they respect. Sure, some are explosive against everyone, but often it is directed.

Think about that. They are vile only when it suits them.

PP with all that sanctimoniousness? Go do what you will do, and stew in your own sense of superiority. But you are bringing more ill into the world. You are the original crab in a bucket. Enjoy it.

You are nasty, mean spirited and f'd up.

Wow, where's all that compassion you preach about??

I'm not a saint.

Sounds like you can't express your anger to your parents so you take it out on anons on the interweb. Sorry for your life. I hope you find peace once your parents die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Abusive parents are usually still making choices. They aren't physically assaulting the mailman, or launching caustic diatribes against family members they respect. Sure, some are explosive against everyone, but often it is directed.

Think about that. They are vile only when it suits them.

PP with all that sanctimoniousness? Go do what you will do, and stew in your own sense of superiority. But you are bringing more ill into the world. You are the original crab in a bucket. Enjoy it.

You are nasty, mean spirited and f'd up.

Wow, where's all that compassion you preach about??

I'm not a saint.

Sounds like you can't express your anger to your parents so you take it out on anons on the interweb. Sorry for your life. I hope you find peace once your parents die.

LOL keep trying. I already came to peace with my abusive parents. It feels a lot better than the slow simmer of hatred you continue to feel while pretending to be over it. Believe me, I know. You can do it, PP. You can really find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Abusive parents are usually still making choices. They aren't physically assaulting the mailman, or launching caustic diatribes against family members they respect. Sure, some are explosive against everyone, but often it is directed.

Think about that. They are vile only when it suits them.

PP with all that sanctimoniousness? Go do what you will do, and stew in your own sense of superiority. But you are bringing more ill into the world. You are the original crab in a bucket. Enjoy it.

You are nasty, mean spirited and f'd up.

Wow, where's all that compassion you preach about??

I'm not a saint.

Sounds like you can't express your anger to your parents so you take it out on anons on the interweb. Sorry for your life. I hope you find peace once your parents die.

LOL keep trying. I already came to peace with my abusive parents. It feels a lot better than the slow simmer of hatred you continue to feel while pretending to be over it. Believe me, I know. You can do it, PP. You can really find peace.

I cant speak for everyone you've tried to guilt trip, but I know there is no simmer of hatred. Just emptiness. I don't think about them at all really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

I’m compassionate even though I have no intention of spending much time helping my dad. In general, my compassion lies with letting old people decide how they want to both live and die.

I told my dad very recently when he was hospitalized “hey, if your best life is to go back and live by yourself on a sailboat at age 78 and drink yourself to death,” that’s ok. None of your kids are going to stop you. If you want to take some of the $3M you have in the bank and move into the condo or the house you own, one of my siblings and I can help you set up food delivery, etc. Only you can decide what your best life looks like.” He did not take me up on the offer to set him up in either the condo or the house.

I am perfectly fine with old people deciding they want to live in their own home and fall down and starve to death before someone finds them. They were living their best life on their terms. Sure, I think it is a horrible way to die. But I might think that is my best path when I’m over 75. Who knows??

I’m Team “Let them Decide”, but their decision isn’t going to be enabled by my martyrdom.

+1 I'm the PP triggering some posters by being compassionate toward my abusive parent. I'm with you, PP. I hope I go out like your dad. That's not what most people are describing, though.

You attacked several posters, name-called and insulted them. This is why we know you're mentally ill and why we have blackballed you. Not because you choose to martyr yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

I’m compassionate even though I have no intention of spending much time helping my dad. In general, my compassion lies with letting old people decide how they want to both live and die.

I told my dad very recently when he was hospitalized “hey, if your best life is to go back and live by yourself on a sailboat at age 78 and drink yourself to death,” that’s ok. None of your kids are going to stop you. If you want to take some of the $3M you have in the bank and move into the condo or the house you own, one of my siblings and I can help you set up food delivery, etc. Only you can decide what your best life looks like.” He did not take me up on the offer to set him up in either the condo or the house.

I am perfectly fine with old people deciding they want to live in their own home and fall down and starve to death before someone finds them. They were living their best life on their terms. Sure, I think it is a horrible way to die. But I might think that is my best path when I’m over 75. Who knows??

I’m Team “Let them Decide”, but their decision isn’t going to be enabled by my martyrdom.

+1 I'm the PP triggering some posters by being compassionate toward my abusive parent. I'm with you, PP. I hope I go out like your dad. That's not what most people are describing, though.

You attacked several posters, name-called and insulted them. This is why we know you're mentally ill and why we have blackballed you. Not because you choose to martyr yourself.

I can't keep posting "LOL" but it actually makes me laugh. It's absurd that you and others interpret a plea for kindness and compassion as name-calling and insulting. Do you go to church? Do you spit at your minister after the sermon? Sheesh, really weird. I am not mentally ill because I have discovered the joy of compassion and kindness. The opposite actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

I’m compassionate even though I have no intention of spending much time helping my dad. In general, my compassion lies with letting old people decide how they want to both live and die.

I told my dad very recently when he was hospitalized “hey, if your best life is to go back and live by yourself on a sailboat at age 78 and drink yourself to death,” that’s ok. None of your kids are going to stop you. If you want to take some of the $3M you have in the bank and move into the condo or the house you own, one of my siblings and I can help you set up food delivery, etc. Only you can decide what your best life looks like.” He did not take me up on the offer to set him up in either the condo or the house.

I am perfectly fine with old people deciding they want to live in their own home and fall down and starve to death before someone finds them. They were living their best life on their terms. Sure, I think it is a horrible way to die. But I might think that is my best path when I’m over 75. Who knows??

I’m Team “Let them Decide”, but their decision isn’t going to be enabled by my martyrdom.

+1 I'm the PP triggering some posters by being compassionate toward my abusive parent. I'm with you, PP. I hope I go out like your dad. That's not what most people are describing, though.

You attacked several posters, name-called and insulted them. This is why we know you're mentally ill and why we have blackballed you. Not because you choose to martyr yourself.

I can't keep posting "LOL" but it actually makes me laugh. It's absurd that you and others interpret a plea for kindness and compassion as name-calling and insulting. Do you go to church? Do you spit at your minister after the sermon? Sheesh, really weird. I am not mentally ill because I have discovered the joy of compassion and kindness. The opposite actually.

Keep trying to convince yourself. It's sad but entertaining.

[Anonymous]

Don't help with anything except medical appointments. They can pay for cleaning and food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not act like the hired help, OP. Do not clean. Do not cook. Do not fetch groceries yourself. Your sibling shouldn't do that either. Your parents need to feel the pressure to have an aide around the house, and they won't feel that pressure until you two stop doing stuff for them!!!

My husband compartmentalized and did what he could when his bipolar father, who had terrorized his family for years, became infirm and needed a lot of medical care. Distance really helped - we couldn't pop in because we lived on a different continent. DH is a doctor, and he reviewed his father's medical files, asked for extra tests, suggested medications, directed what sort of home accommodations he needed, questioned his father over the phone about his side effects, and his siblings were the people on the ground. The siblings tried to minimize actual contact with their father, which was necessary. My MIL sadly bore the brunt of his moods, but she hired helpers for the house, so she wasn't physically doing any grunt work. She had a gardener, a housecleaner who also did laundry, and she hired a caterer to occasionally cook some meals for them.

So I would advise you to maintain your distance, as much as you can. I know elders in nursing homes are better cared for if there's always the possibility of a drop-in from a relative, but in your case... he has not earned that from you, so don't worry about it. They can go to separate nursing homes, so that your mother can have relief from him, and you can visit her if you want to - you might find she changes her tune rapidly when she's not in his company! When they get too old and infirm, they can get on the list of a Medicaid home, and spend down their assets, and that will be that.

But before this time, DO NOT create the expectation that the two adult children have to travel to them and help them out.

Family of monsters. How did you and your DH find each other? Wow.

You are a clueless idjit. Go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

I’m compassionate even though I have no intention of spending much time helping my dad. In general, my compassion lies with letting old people decide how they want to both live and die.

I told my dad very recently when he was hospitalized “hey, if your best life is to go back and live by yourself on a sailboat at age 78 and drink yourself to death,” that’s ok. None of your kids are going to stop you. If you want to take some of the $3M you have in the bank and move into the condo or the house you own, one of my siblings and I can help you set up food delivery, etc. Only you can decide what your best life looks like.” He did not take me up on the offer to set him up in either the condo or the house.

I am perfectly fine with old people deciding they want to live in their own home and fall down and starve to death before someone finds them. They were living their best life on their terms. Sure, I think it is a horrible way to die. But I might think that is my best path when I’m over 75. Who knows??

I’m Team “Let them Decide”, but their decision isn’t going to be enabled by my martyrdom.

+1 I'm the PP triggering some posters by being compassionate toward my abusive parent. I'm with you, PP. I hope I go out like your dad. That's not what most people are describing, though.

You attacked several posters, name-called and insulted them. This is why we know you're mentally ill and why we have blackballed you. Not because you choose to martyr yourself.

I can't keep posting "LOL" but it actually makes me laugh. It's absurd that you and others interpret a plea for kindness and compassion as name-calling and insulting. Do you go to church? Do you spit at your minister after the sermon? Sheesh, really weird. I am not mentally ill because I have discovered the joy of compassion and kindness. The opposite actually.

No, we just know if we knew you in real life, none of what you typed would be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

I’m compassionate even though I have no intention of spending much time helping my dad. In general, my compassion lies with letting old people decide how they want to both live and die.

I told my dad very recently when he was hospitalized “hey, if your best life is to go back and live by yourself on a sailboat at age 78 and drink yourself to death,” that’s ok. None of your kids are going to stop you. If you want to take some of the $3M you have in the bank and move into the condo or the house you own, one of my siblings and I can help you set up food delivery, etc. Only you can decide what your best life looks like.” He did not take me up on the offer to set him up in either the condo or the house.

I am perfectly fine with old people deciding they want to live in their own home and fall down and starve to death before someone finds them. They were living their best life on their terms. Sure, I think it is a horrible way to die. But I might think that is my best path when I’m over 75. Who knows??

I’m Team “Let them Decide”, but their decision isn’t going to be enabled by my martyrdom.

+1 I'm the PP triggering some posters by being compassionate toward my abusive parent. I'm with you, PP. I hope I go out like your dad. That's not what most people are describing, though.

You attacked several posters, name-called and insulted them. This is why we know you're mentally ill and why we have blackballed you. Not because you choose to martyr yourself.

I can't keep posting "LOL" but it actually makes me laugh. It's absurd that you and others interpret a plea for kindness and compassion as name-calling and insulting. Do you go to church? Do you spit at your minister after the sermon? Sheesh, really weird. I am not mentally ill because I have discovered the joy of compassion and kindness. The opposite actually.

So you have a split personality? You responded to my post by calling me a monster, and to others by calling them f;ed up. Is that kind and compassionate?

You are mentally ill. Go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

I’m compassionate even though I have no intention of spending much time helping my dad. In general, my compassion lies with letting old people decide how they want to both live and die.

I told my dad very recently when he was hospitalized “hey, if your best life is to go back and live by yourself on a sailboat at age 78 and drink yourself to death,” that’s ok. None of your kids are going to stop you. If you want to take some of the $3M you have in the bank and move into the condo or the house you own, one of my siblings and I can help you set up food delivery, etc. Only you can decide what your best life looks like.” He did not take me up on the offer to set him up in either the condo or the house.

I am perfectly fine with old people deciding they want to live in their own home and fall down and starve to death before someone finds them. They were living their best life on their terms. Sure, I think it is a horrible way to die. But I might think that is my best path when I’m over 75. Who knows??

I’m Team “Let them Decide”, but their decision isn’t going to be enabled by my martyrdom.

+1 I'm the PP triggering some posters by being compassionate toward my abusive parent. I'm with you, PP. I hope I go out like your dad. That's not what most people are describing, though.

You attacked several posters, name-called and insulted them. This is why we know you're mentally ill and why we have blackballed you. Not because you choose to martyr yourself.

I can't keep posting "LOL" but it actually makes me laugh. It's absurd that you and others interpret a plea for kindness and compassion as name-calling and insulting. Do you go to church? Do you spit at your minister after the sermon? Sheesh, really weird. I am not mentally ill because I have discovered the joy of compassion and kindness. The opposite actually.

You do not sound like you’ve found the joy of compassion of kindness. You sound angry and bitter and your name calling of people online shows that quite heavily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

I’m compassionate even though I have no intention of spending much time helping my dad. In general, my compassion lies with letting old people decide how they want to both live and die.

I told my dad very recently when he was hospitalized “hey, if your best life is to go back and live by yourself on a sailboat at age 78 and drink yourself to death,” that’s ok. None of your kids are going to stop you. If you want to take some of the $3M you have in the bank and move into the condo or the house you own, one of my siblings and I can help you set up food delivery, etc. Only you can decide what your best life looks like.” He did not take me up on the offer to set him up in either the condo or the house.

I am perfectly fine with old people deciding they want to live in their own home and fall down and starve to death before someone finds them. They were living their best life on their terms. Sure, I think it is a horrible way to die. But I might think that is my best path when I’m over 75. Who knows??

I’m Team “Let them Decide”, but their decision isn’t going to be enabled by my martyrdom.

+1 I'm the PP triggering some posters by being compassionate toward my abusive parent. I'm with you, PP. I hope I go out like your dad. That's not what most people are describing, though.

You attacked several posters, name-called and insulted them. This is why we know you're mentally ill and why we have blackballed you. Not because you choose to martyr yourself.

I can't keep posting "LOL" but it actually makes me laugh. It's absurd that you and others interpret a plea for kindness and compassion as name-calling and insulting. Do you go to church? Do you spit at your minister after the sermon? Sheesh, really weird. I am not mentally ill because I have discovered the joy of compassion and kindness. The opposite actually.

You do not sound like you’ve found the joy of compassion of kindness. You sound angry and bitter and your name calling of people online shows that quite heavily.

Peace. (I know that will piss you off more than anything. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't mean this in a nasty way at all, but you do realize you're enabling your parents' refusal to hire help, by going to their house and helping?

I understand you'd want to do that for parents you like and respect.

But I do not understand your motivation to do this after the screed you wrote. Were you raised to be very obedient and respect all elders despite their cantankerousness? That's very virtuous, but at some point your health, physical and mental, is going to deteriorate with the constant comings and goings, and you might regret not having put your foot down earlier, and forced them into hiring someone by refusing to do that work yourself.

I know it's a game of chicken, of course. They might suffer and fall and be in pain and risk their lives before they ever agree to hire someone. Or they might prefer to just die on the floor before letting a stranger into their home. Some people are like that. But considering the history you just described... that's a risk you might be willing to take.

Jesus Christ. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You've posted several times on this thread, but you're convincing no one with your faux outrage. Adult children are under no moral obligation to help parents who were abusive and unpleasant. You reap what you sow.

Sure. You are who you are. There is no parallel plane where you get to be your best self, because you are around other people who are also their best selves. This is it. If you are willing to let your parent lie on the floor in pain or even die alone on the floor because they were abusive to you then THAT'S WHO YOU ARE. It's not because of your parents -- it's because of you yourself.

Being a good person is hard. There is no perfect environment for you to do it. Just this one, this flawed, f'd up world. Others may be abused AND help their parents because that's who THEY are.

Be who you want to be in this life. Do you want to be the person who was fine letting their parent die alone on the floor? Because "mommy and daddy"? Then that's who you are.

I was abused growing up -- physically, psychologically and emotionally. Brutal. I care for my parent now because that's who I am. My behavior is not dependent on them. I'm an adult now. It's my choice.

I can tell you really believe this. You're painting a very black and white picture in which it's pretty notable you are casting yourself as heroic and morally superior. There are options between letting the parent die alone on the floor and you, the formerly abused child, directly caring for your parent. You must know that though.

I was responding direclty to posters claiming that if their parents were in pain on the floor for hours or even died on the floor alone, they would be fine with it. If it bothers you this much that I am being compassionate towards someone who was nasty to me, then you should ask yourself why you continue to pretend you don't care when clearly you do. Being toxic toward a parent is not "breaking the cycle." It's thrashing around in the poison waters. There IS a way out. There IS a better way. Compassion IS real. You can experience it, too. If you try.

I’m compassionate even though I have no intention of spending much time helping my dad. In general, my compassion lies with letting old people decide how they want to both live and die.

I told my dad very recently when he was hospitalized “hey, if your best life is to go back and live by yourself on a sailboat at age 78 and drink yourself to death,” that’s ok. None of your kids are going to stop you. If you want to take some of the $3M you have in the bank and move into the condo or the house you own, one of my siblings and I can help you set up food delivery, etc. Only you can decide what your best life looks like.” He did not take me up on the offer to set him up in either the condo or the house.

I am perfectly fine with old people deciding they want to live in their own home and fall down and starve to death before someone finds them. They were living their best life on their terms. Sure, I think it is a horrible way to die. But I might think that is my best path when I’m over 75. Who knows??

I’m Team “Let them Decide”, but their decision isn’t going to be enabled by my martyrdom.

+1 I'm the PP triggering some posters by being compassionate toward my abusive parent. I'm with you, PP. I hope I go out like your dad. That's not what most people are describing, though.

You attacked several posters, name-called and insulted them. This is why we know you're mentally ill and why we have blackballed you. Not because you choose to martyr yourself.

I can't keep posting "LOL" but it actually makes me laugh. It's absurd that you and others interpret a plea for kindness and compassion as name-calling and insulting. Do you go to church? Do you spit at your minister after the sermon? Sheesh, really weird. I am not mentally ill because I have discovered the joy of compassion and kindness. The opposite actually.

So you have a split personality? You responded to my post by calling me a monster, and to others by calling them f;ed up. Is that kind and compassionate?

You are mentally ill. Go away.

I'm not compassionate toward people who urge others to lack compassion toward old people. Got to draw the line somewhere. I can be compassionate toward stray cats and still not want rats in my alley. See what I mean?